DEAR MISS MANNERS: We mailed a birthday gift to our granddaughter, and our daughter arranged a video call to let us see her open the present.

To our surprise, our daughter admonished us for not sending a gift to our grandson so he would not feel left out. She stated it was proper gift-giving etiquette to send a gift to our grandson, even though his birthday is in June.

She said this to us in front of her husband and our granddaughter. This was embarrassing to my wife and myself.

We have never heard of this etiquette rule. Was our daughter correct? We love our grandchildren very much, and it was our belief that we did the right thing.

GENTLE READER: Your grandson will be sorely disappointed when his sister receives an Olympic gold medal one day and he is not automatically issued the silver.

Your daughter is subscribing to the idea that no child should be trusted to tolerate another’s milestones, success or good fortune without receiving similar compensation. But how else will they be taught the valuable life skill of knowing that everything is not about them?

Miss Manners assures you that you did the right thing. You may tell your daughter that your grandson’s present is certainly forthcoming -- in June, when it is his birthday, and not his sister’s.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate your advice in navigating a difficult situation. My husband’s niece, Anna, and her fiance, Greg, were planning to marry this year, but the pandemic prompted them to wait. About two months ago, Greg was diagnosed with terminal cancer and they began planning a more immediate wedding.

Then Greg took a turn for the worse, and hospice care was arranged in their home. They moved the wedding up to Friday, and they were married. Sadly, Greg died a few hours later.

Should we give Anna a gift of some sort in honor of her marriage? A wedding gift seems bizarre under the circumstances. My idea is to get her a beautiful picture frame, possibly sterling silver, and include a handwritten letter on my good stationery.

Perhaps you have a better idea. Please steer me in the right direction regarding a gift, how it should be wrapped, when it should be delivered, what phrasing I should use in my letter, etc.

GENTLE READER: A silver picture frame, wrapped in subdued colors, accompanying your condolence letter sounds lovely. You can reference the wedding only to say that it was beautiful -- or that you heard it was, if you were not in attendance -- and how sorry you are not to have gotten to know Greg better as a family member.

Miss Manners agrees with your impulse to downplay the wedding part, but your niece clearly meant to forever link the two events. You would do well to similarly, if delicately, acknowledge their bittersweet bond.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a large condo community. In beautiful weather, we often keep our windows and the sliding glass door to our balcony open.

Some new people moved into the apartment below us, and several times each day, we noticed an extremely pungent cloud of marijuana smoke enter our apartment. I cannot overstate the strength of the smell-cloud that enters our place -- it feels like he’s blowing it directly into our faces.

We tried to work out the mechanics of how this was happening, and we think the neighbor is standing just outside his door, probably so as not to be seen, and releasing the smoke straight up.

We hemmed and hawed endlessly about how to approach our new neighbors about this. This is a community where no one really knows each other, even before the pandemic, so we’ve never interacted with them, even though we share a stairwell.

We thought a well-written note would do, but we weren’t pleased with the thought of our relationship starting with a stern note asking them to do what may be impossible (find a way to control your smoke). An in-person conversation seemed even more daunting, though this is what most of our pot-smoking friends recommended. Calling the police is not something we want to do at all -- we have no problem with their smoking pot, even though it is still illegal in our state.

We ended up just closing the door and windows on that side of the apartment every time we started to smell it. There may have been a few days of annoyed door-slamming, hoping they’d get the hint. No dice.

I’d like to figure out the friendliest, most polite way to open a conversation about this. What would Miss Manners recommend?

GENTLE READER: “I am sure that you’re not aware, but your smoke comes directly up to our apartment. I wonder if you’d be willing to enjoy your materials off to the side instead.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am so fortunate and grateful for my dentist and his dental team. What is an appropriate thank-you gift? I have yet to see plants or flowers in the office. I bought a thank-you card once, but did not send it. It seemed not to express the depth of gratitude in proportion to the care they provide.

Childhood dental trauma led to adult PTSD, and I can be quite a lot to deal with sometimes. I am much better now, due to my continued hard work and their consistent patience and compassion.

GENTLE READER: At the outset of your inquiry, Miss Manners would have said flowers and a note were perfectly suitable. Depending on your definition of “a lot to deal with,” however, she fears that something more like a statue erected in their honor might be in order.

As a compromise, she suggests a lovely heartfelt letter. The acknowledgment that they have made such a difference in their patient’s life will be ultimately worth (almost) more than lavish presents. Especially if, when they inevitably display the letter in their waiting room or on their website, it brings them more business.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a close girlfriend who was to be married this month, and in whose wedding (now postponed) I am a bridesmaid. She knows that my boyfriend and I are close to becoming engaged, and that I don’t care for a long engagement or the big to-do of a traditional wedding. She has said to me more than once, “Don’t get married before me!”

Well, I could’ve managed that before learning that I carry the BRCA1 gene, but not now. Due to my diagnosis and my age (late 30s), my oncologist’s recommendation is to get pregnant ASAP if I want a child, which I desperately do. My wonderful boyfriend is 100% in with expediting our plans to become engaged, have a small courthouse wedding and start trying for a baby.

What am I going to say to this friend who views this as a race to the altar? I want to respect her, but she doesn’t have the biological constraints that I have. I’m afraid that if I proceed with a quick elopement, it will damage my friendship with her.

GENTLE READER: Sympathetic as she is to your situation, Miss Manners assures you that you do not need a serious medical condition to handle your friend’s unreasonable, and unenforceable, demand.

Make your plans, and if your friend raises an objection, tell her that all these years you thought she was just being funny. If you can say this with a laugh that sounds joyful, and not scornful, do so; if not, merely feign astonishment.

If she does not laugh with you, turn serious, as if you are on the verge of being offended, but are not yet: “This is the date that works for us. I thought, as my close friend, you would be happy for me.”

Omitting your medical history means you will not see her face fall when you confront her with it, but surely that is a mean-spirited pleasure -- hardly worth the loss of decorum.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the treasurer for a volunteer organization, and my duties require me to write checks for various expenses, as you would expect.

There is a woman who, when she needs a check for a deposit or honorarium or such, always phrases her request as a peremptory demand.

I wonder if there is a polite way to ask her to say “please” or some equivalent, so I don’t feel like her minion or unappreciated secretary. Can you help me with this personal problem -- er, please?

GENTLE READER: Your problem is not a personal one, but a professional one -- even if you think of the organization as something more charitable than a business. Unpleasant customers are all too common, and, while business etiquette does not allow you to discipline or correct them, there are ways to make the interaction less painful -- at least for yourself.

Miss Manners recommends that you emphasize the professional aspect of the transaction, perhaps by creating a format (or, heaven forbid, a form) that members can submit through an established channel. This will minimize your contact with the person in question and, as an added bonus, annoy her as being bureaucratic and officious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)