DEAR MISS MANNERS: Pre-COVID, my large family had parties all the time, since it was always someone’s birthday, anniversary or other milestone. We would get together, celebrate and go home; nothing else happened.

However, I have one family member who would graciously offer to throw a party for someone in her own home, then instruct guests to bring a specific dish or a bottle of wine (usually both).

We usually all chipped in to make these dinner parties happen. But a couple days after the event, she would send a message to all the guests to find out how much everyone had spent on their dish. She would then include her own costs for decorations and the like, and charge all guests a payment.

This usually ranged from $30 to $50 -- which, when added to what I spent at the grocery store and the time spent preparing food, wound up close to $100. I would rather just go to a restaurant. This charge always came as a surprise to me, because it was only ever mentioned after the party was done with.

As someone who hosts friends for dinner, I’ve never expected them to pay me back. I usually don’t even ask for wine or alcohol, but will suggest something if someone offers to bring a bottle.

The issue with my relative has gotten to the point that my partner won’t go to events at her home anymore, and I don’t want to invite any friends because I don’t want the embarrassment of sending them charges on her behalf. I rarely want to go myself, because I don’t want to go through the effort of preparing food and being charged, as well.

I know she doesn’t have a lot of money, but the general consensus is that if you can’t afford the cost of a party, don’t throw the party.

COVID has allowed me to skip nearly every event she’s thrown this year, but I recently decided to attend a gathering of seven people. Lo and behold, the next day I was asked how much I had spent on food, and then was told to send her money.

My partner can continue to skip all these gatherings for the rest of his life for all I care, but I can’t always say no to seeing my family. Is there anything I can say to this relative to let her know that we don’t appreciate these surprises from a host, and would rather not attend if she’s going to keep doing this?

GENTLE READER: Yes: You can invite her to a party that you throw, exercising proper hospitality. That way you get to see your friends, your partner will attend and you can have what Miss Manners trusts will be the pleasure of telling that relative not to bring anything, as you are the host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 29-year-old daughter has “unfriended” my husband and me on social media, and most likely blocked our phone numbers. We haven’t talked, texted or anything in over a month.

The reason is that she has a resale business where she buys furniture in other cities, then brings it back to our city and sells it for a profit. She has asked multiple times to borrow our cars, which have gotten dinged up from putting furniture in them. And the last time she used my car, a rock hit my window.

She did not offer to fix it, and got mad at me when I asked her to make a claim on her insurance, since she was driving. When I asked her to pay for the deductible on my insurance, she got mad at us and said the only thing we ever talked about was money.

Am I wrong that when you borrow something and it gets damaged, you are responsible? The money isn’t the issue; it is the disrespect toward me! We addressed the issue before she unfriended us.

Obviously this isn’t a huge amount of money. We’d like to have a relationship with our daughter, but don’t want to be walked on. Any suggestions on repairing this situation since she blocked us out?

GENTLE READER: Write a letter. It has the advantage of being both disarming in its novelty and also one-sided.

Keep it simple and do not cast or accept blame: “We are sorry that the situation with the car got out of hand. Now that we have resolved it, let us all take pains to do better in the future. We miss you.”

Miss Manners cannot promise that your daughter will respond to or even read it, but at least she will have to take greater measures if she wants to block or unfriend the mail system.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Pre-pandemic, two longtime friends invited me for dinner at their home once or twice a year. In the thank-you notes I’ve sent afterwards, I’ve mentioned that I’ve had a wonderful time -- the atmosphere is warm, and they’re good company -- and that the meal was delicious (I’ve made specific reference to at least one dish each time). But I’m worried that my notes are repetitive.

I realize that sincere (if repetitive) notes are better than none, and I have no intention of not sending a note should they, or anyone else, make a meal for me in the future. But I wonder whether I am overlooking some additional element that should be included.

GENTLE READER: How about the conversation? “I am so glad that we were able to shed some light on the subject of sea turtle preservation. Freya really made me think about my position and now I am deep into a study of their migration habits.”

A thank-you letter at all is a rare thing. A good one, even more so. Miss Manners commends you for your efforts -- and assures you that making yours thoughtful and specific will, at the very least, increase your desirability as a delightful dinner guest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have new neighbors who seemed very nice. When the husband came over to borrow two eggs for a cake his wife was making, I had my robotic vacuum on the counter as I was cleaning it.

While I was getting the eggs, he picked up the vacuum and said, “Oh, I read about these! Are they ...” Just then his phone rang, and in reaching for it, he dropped my vacuum. A 4-foot drop. It exploded. He said immediately that he would pay to replace it.

It has been two weeks, and nothing. It cost $400 and my cat really misses it, as do I. It was a friend to me and my cat. How to approach the neighbor? They have a brand-new car.

GENTLE READER: Why does that matter? Were you planning on retaliating?

While the cat’s feelings seem similarly immaterial to the situation, Miss Manners thinks you might be on to something: It is much easier to make the request on behalf of someone else than oneself. For instance: “Harriet has been really desolate without her playmate. You were kind enough to say, when it broke, that you would replace it. Please let me know if you need help finding the correct make and model.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I take offense when I give someone a gift or a tip and their response is, “Thanks, but that’s not necessary.”

Of course it’s not necessary. I stay quiet because I don’t want, in turn, to offend the person. However, it sometimes feels like a criticism.

Perhaps I’m too thin-skinned. I realize a person may feel uncomfortable when receiving something unexpected, but what about, “This is a surprise! Thank you”?

What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That people receiving unexpected presents think that they are being gracious by acting demure. Miss Manners recommends that you indulge them, although you may certainly tell them that it was your intention to please them -- dialing up the degree of hurt and confusion depending on how convincing they are.

If the recipient rebuffs a gratuity, however, you may have found yourself in the rare circumstance where it is genuinely not expected -- or even allowed. In the first case, you should respect modesty, indulging it as pride and a strong work ethic, even if you choose to ultimately ignore such protests. In the second, you should take note. Pressing forward could actually get someone fired.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a registry item to a soon-to-be bride. (They are only having a small celebration. I am not attending, as I am COVID-vulnerable.) The store confirmed delivery.

Is it inappropriate to call the mother of the bride to ensure that the bride received the gift? Porch pirates abound!

GENTLE READER: As do shiftless brides. But Miss Manners admires your presumption of good faith.

If a reasonable amount of time goes by and you have not received thanks -- and you have other reasons to contact the mother, besides checking up on the bride -- then yes, you may casually mention your fears. As long as you are prepared for the bevy of excuses that may follow.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)