Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a time when young college students were already becoming intolerably rude in the classroom, virtual teaching has brought them to new lows.

Students have sent me hectoring emails -- some making various demands (in all caps), some outright attacking my professionalism. One parent actually emailed the university president with what amounted to an overreaction to her daughter’s struggles in the class. Reminders of proper netiquette have not improved this behavior.

GENTLE READER: History does not record that the invention of writing was accompanied by a rash of intemperate cuneiform proclamations later regretted, but it would not surprise Miss Manners to learn that it was so.

We are, as a species, strangely apt to forget the recipient of our communications when they are not staring us in the face.

What is quickly discovered, after the initial shock of each new communication technology, is that its permanence -- the ability to share it with the human resources department -- can be used to curb misbehavior. Ethan cannot deny his own words when they are right there in stone or clay or print or your inbox.

Miss Manners is confident that your university has written policies about respect and civility, although she cannot promise anyone has read them. If gentler corrections have failed, remind students -- and, if necessary, their parents -- of such policies, adding that you hope not to have to forward their correspondence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very good friend of ours is getting married in a couple of weeks, after a postponement because of the pandemic. The guest list has been cut in half because of restrictions, but she REALLY wanted us to be there, and we agreed.

We are feeling hesitant about going, as we are older. But we feel that we have passed the time when it would be acceptable to send our regrets, since she has paid for food.

How should we proceed? Wear masks and keep our distance from everyone as much as possible? There will be a meal provided, so people will have their masks off to eat. We are struggling to know what the right thing to do would be.

GENTLE READER: Let us first agree that the most worrisome problems, if you decide not to go, are the rudeness of rescinding an offer after you have accepted it and the hurt it will cause your friend -- not the quantity of leftover duck breast.

Miss Manners constantly rejects the modern tendency to justify every whim in the name of medicine, but her objections do not extend to actual health risks. Failure to attend when you are sick is not rude, nor is staying home because doctors say that you are more susceptible to a virus that is wreaking havoc worldwide.

Whether you choose to exercise this option is a question for you, not etiquette. If you decide not to attend, call your friend and convey your great sorrow and remorse. Were she less aware of the contributions and sacrifices of the medical community during the pandemic, Miss Manners might have added that you could blame your absence on your doctor’s over-solicitousness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a household member who has very bad manners. He lies around on the couch all day, expects us to provide all his meals and has never even offered to help with the dishes.

He also has atrocious hygiene habits, resulting in horrible breath. He tracks in dirt and leaves from the yard. We don’t even try to plant flowers or grow a garden because he ruins any landscaping he sees.

Sometimes, when I am ready to turn in for the night, I will find him asleep in my bed! I will have to actually wake him up and ask him to get out of my bed so I can go to sleep. Worst of all, he regularly wakes up my husband in the middle of the night just to announce that he needs to use the restroom. This happens almost every night!

We love him very much, but we just don’t know how to address these issues. I swear, if he pees on another bush during a family walk, I just might lose it.

GENTLE READER: Does he happen to be your pet? Or your son? He doesn’t sound all that lovable to Miss Manners, but then, she is not his parent.

Your choices are:

1. Engage in some overdue training.

2. Lose it.

You will notice that the former would have the least serious consequences.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s sister became a first-time grandmother when her son and his wife welcomed their first child. The new mom and dad created an online photo album, sent out invitations to everyone to join and view it, and they add many baby photos daily.

Many relatives signed up for the album, but they are now all complaining about the many emails, arriving multiple times during the day, saying that new photos have been uploaded. Anticipating all these email notices, I never signed up. Now my sister-in-law is wondering why I have not joined the photo album group.

Yes, a new grandchild is wonderful, but not when the whole family is bombarded with photos ad nauseam.

The family wants to know: Is there a tactful way to inform my sister-in-law that most relatives have no interest in this? Or do we all suffer and wait it out for the new parents to slack off with the photo-taking, like most parents eventually do?

GENTLE READER: Come, now. You would not really become nauseous by looking at pictures of a new baby relative. And you don’t even have to look at them. Miss Manners presumes that you have a delete key.

There are times -- engagements, as well as births -- when a fond family indulges such foolishness, knowing that it won’t last.

You could sort all those emails into a file, telling yourself -- and, if necessary, the proud parents -- that you want to examine them at leisure. That time might even come, as an alternative to playing solitaire.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentlewoman with white hair who looks her age. In the Before Times, I gratefully accepted displays of courtesy, such as doors being held open for me by gentlemen and ladies.

However, I do not know how to respond when someone holds a door for me but is not wearing a mask. I, of course, am wearing one -- for my own protection, and as a civic duty.

When this happens, I back away from the door and make a gesture of thanks, keeping an appropriate distance and refusing the assistance. To accept would place me within 6 feet of an unmasked person.

What ensues is a battle of wills: me refusing to walk through the door vs. the non-mask-wearing person insisting that I accept his generous help. I have tried explaining my reason, but that never works.

Eventually, the unmasked person gives up, and I open the door myself. How should I handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: That you do not do so by snapping, “My arm’s not broken” is a relief to Miss Manners. We want to encourage the few surviving courtesies.

But not at the risk of your health. The polite way to decline would be to take it upon yourself, saying, “Thank you, but I should stay away from you -- I wouldn’t want to reward your kindness by endangering you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a Catholic clergyman. Once the dangers from COVID pass and we can resume a semblance of our normal lives, I will be performing a cousin’s wedding ceremony.

The dress code for the reception is black tie. My aunt is insisting that I wear a tuxedo, which, to me, is a very odd request.

I told her I would wear either my religious habit or a black suit with a Roman collar, as they are the equivalent of a soldier’s Class A uniform. They are, simply, the best clothing I own.

In all my years, I’ve never encountered anyone who objected to clergy (or military) wearing their dressiest clothing to a wedding reception, but perhaps I am naive or incorrect. One usually expects clergy to dress like what they are, especially when they’re overtly functioning as such.

My aunt is quite confident that you, whom she calls the “Pope of Etiquette,” will set me straight and tell me that I’m being boorish. My superiors would normally not countenance wearing a tuxedo under any circumstances but, in this one case, they’re sufficiently bemused to have agreed to let me abide by your decision. (However, my habit or a black suit with a Roman collar would be what I would wear to see the actual pope.)

GENTLE READER: And to see Miss Manners, she trusts.

You aunt has hit a new low in attempts to act as costume director at a wedding. Unlike your superiors, Miss Manners is neither bemused nor amused.

Aside from establishing the level of formality, those giving weddings must rely on the judgment of the participants. Even brides who want to dress their bridesmaids alike run into trouble if they allow those ladies no choice.

You really must insist that if you are to perform this wedding, it is in your capacity as a clergyman and you must wear the clothes that are appropriate to that calling.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)