DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law made some horrible financial decisions. While we cannot fix her mistakes, we give her gifts at any and all occasions and holidays, in order to help her without treating her as a charity case. We also try to provide a few pleasant extras that she cannot afford. We neither expect nor want gifts in return.

Though not shy about handing out wish lists, she was never a gift-giver, so the one-sided dynamic is not new. What makes it hurtful is the way she tells us that she was going to pick us up a card or something, but she “didn’t feel like it.” And she can be counted on to say that our gift is not enough and that we owe her more.

We do not want to be disrespectful, and we do not want her to be hungry or miserable, but resentment is growing after many years of these insults. Is there a polite way to make it clear that all she needs to say is “thank you,” without it coming down to a fight?

GENTLE READER: Prolonged bad behavior by near relatives is painful and unpleasant. The mildest response is to say, “I’m sorry you are disappointed” -- with a delivery that, without being rude or aggressive, makes it clear that your sorrow does not run deep -- and then change the subject.

Not responding to your mother-in-law’s bait may, by taking the fun out of it for her, cause her to modify her behavior. But it may not. If the behavior is not irksome enough for you to be willing to cause a breach, then Miss Manners urges you to consider your forbearance a good deed that you are infrequently called upon to repeat. And take comfort from your spouse, who has had to put up with her for much longer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In February of this year, I spent two nights in the hospital with what ended up being blood clots in my lungs. One of my wife’s closest friends -- someone my children call Aunt, and a person I’ve thought of as family -- has not reached out to me one time to find out how I’m doing.

In addition, we recently saw her and her husband, and neither of them asked how I’m doing. Thankfully, the blood thinners are doing their job. I’m wondering if I’m overreacting to her not reaching out.

GENTLE READER: It is true that friends and family members express interest in, and concern over, one another’s health crises. But they may also have reasons not to inquire: delicacy, redundancy or the simple assumption that, as you look well, the crisis has passed.

Above all, Miss Manners recommends against making assumptions of ill will and of keeping score. We can all hope that, if you overlook this one time, there will not be so many future crises that you will have the opportunity to test your thesis that your wife’s friend is indifferent to your well-being.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am dating a very nice man I have known since high school. We have been officially dating for two years and the relationship is going very well.

As we are both over a certain age, many of our close friends ask why we don’t live together. I don’t think they are being nosy, it just seems to be “the thing to do,” and they are wondering why we haven’t followed suit like other couples.

We are perfectly happy living separately; I have expressed this, along with the fact that I don’t believe in it. I have teens, and although I am divorced, I don’t believe in living together without a marital commitment. This is just my way.

I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but after two years of explaining this to people, I’m tired of repeating myself. Is there any way to just politely end this line of questioning?

GENTLE READER: Do you really not consider this a nosy question? People often wonder about other people’s private lives, but Miss Manners does not consider this an excuse for prying.

You are not required to satisfy this curiosity. The response to why you do not live together is because you live in separate homes. Repeat as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are a part of three different families, due to his parents divorcing and remarrying other people. We have two kids.

We end up receiving so many Christmas presents that it ends up feeling more like a burden of stuff to deal with than a blessing. I’ve dropped hints about this to the grandparents in the past, and tried to impose a gift limit. They have cut back a little, but every year, there’s still too much stuff.

We come home with so much that it takes more than one trip to fit it all in the back of our SUV. I end up with a huge pile of gifts to deal with that takes up a whole room, and the kids don’t even play with everything due to the onslaught of plastic. I feel like I’m drowning in stuff.

It almost feels like these three sides of the family are competing against each other in some ways. One grandmother asks my kids what the other ones gave, and another grandma asks them what gift was their favorite this year, etc.

I’ve read that for some people, their love language is gift-giving. I suspect this may be at play here. It’s also way easier to buy something than to put in the effort to come visit us and take our kids out for a fun activity -- we live two hours away -- but I’d much prefer the latter. I even included it as an idea for a gift once, but no grandparents took the hint.

I know that our parents won’t be around forever, and the kids will eventually grow up and this won’t be an issue. Is it rude to try and get them to give less stuff and more of their time by taking the kids to do something fun?

GENTLE READER: Would it work? Not from the evidence that you supply.

Miss Manners suggests that in addition to becoming a donor to charities for children -- with a lesson for your children, when they select what to give -- you take the lead in arranging such excursions, as a treat for grandparents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am done with shopping for my older nieces and nephews for Christmas. They are all adults now, and have never made one effort to recognize any holidays for anyone except themselves.

They rip open their gifts, but never acknowledge the giver or offer any thanks, not even when I hand the gift to them outright. I watch my nieces open their gifts then sit and compare them to each other’s, all while ignoring me completely. Not once do I hear “thank you.”

Their parents are no different. Usually they show up with a bag of all the same items, then they just hand them out unwrapped and untagged. Not really a lot of effort and thought. They seem to like getting nicely wrapped, individualized gifts from us, they just don’t bother to thank us.

Am I wrong for being done? Anytime we give them a gift, they grab it and disappear, not to be seen for the rest of the day. I’m hurt then, and I am hurt now. It seems Christmas with these relatives is more about greed than actually seeing family. They all have jobs, but still act like they are in elementary school when it comes to gifts: totally entitled.

I know with giving gifts, it is the thought that counts, but my thoughts are that it’s time to stop. What are yours?

GENTLE READER: That it is time to stop. Evidently, this is a burden on everyone. Not just you, but the parents, who are at a loss about how to select presents to please individuals, and the nieces and nephews for whom showing gratitude is too much trouble.

Presents are not owed, like some sort of tax for being in a family. The idea is supposed to be mutual thoughtfulness, which is not working in this case. So to be thoughtful to people who can’t handle present exchanges, Miss Manners suggests that you tell them that it will be enough pleasure for you to see them, without everyone having that extra bother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, I was told by my parents that the light by the front door should only be left on if one was prepared to receive guests; if it was off, then nobody should knock, unless it was an emergency. Is this a legitimate custom? And, if so, does it have any credibility today?

I have a luncheon bet riding on the reply, though my mother will undoubtedly make me pay no matter what.

GENTLE READER: Someone who is so good at making rules that she gets away with decreeing that she wins no matter what is not someone with whom Miss Manners cares to tangle. She can only assure you that your parents’ rule about outside lights may apply to you, but it is not generally known or practiced.

People may turn on such lights at night not to invite company, but to keep intruders away. What would-be visitors need to know nowadays is that there are many forms of communication by which to inquire in advance if they would be welcome.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)