life

They’re on the Wrong Side of the Street -- Or Am I?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I walk almost daily. During this coronavirus shelter-in-place time, there are many more people out walking.

Our understanding is that you walk facing traffic. However, many people are walking with traffic. When we encounter them, we always move away to give the proper social distancing, and they sometimes look at us like we are the protocol violators.

Are we? Can you please educate us (and them) on the proper side of the road to walk on?

GENTLE READER: If you are walking in the street itself, moving six feet away would put you smack into the middle of traffic. This is not a good idea -- even now, when there are fewer cars on the road. Miss Manners hopes you will find a safer path.

On sidewalks, moving over six feet would also go into traffic on one side, or onto someone’s property on the other. So it is incumbent on both parties to move, three feet each.

But how do you encourage others to do their part? Well, not by shouting, “Move!” with or without expletives. Discourtesy only adds to the distress.

First, you move as far as you safely can. Then smile and perform the gesture that a theatrical headwaiter would use to accompany his saying, “This way, please, madam, sir.” It is an arm swing, with open palm and the arm moving from a vertical position to a horizontal one.

Practice, and do not omit the unctuous smile. People do not shoot accusing looks at headwaiters.

life

Miss Manners for June 22, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are elderly, and we are often asked, “How long have you guys been together?”

This is usually directed to my wife, who has some cognitive issues that I believe the questioner has perceived. People who ask such questions to someone they suspect has cognitive issues are, in my opinion, low forms of humanity, and do not deserve a polite answer.

My wife usually hesitates and looks to me to help her out, asking “How long?” If they both insist, I turn, give the coldest expression I can muster and mutter, “I don’t remember.”

This ends the matter, but if it happens to be two women together asking the rude question, they start whispering to each other that I am a grouch.

GENTLE READER: Yes, that was grouchy of you, and silly of them. But “low forms of humanity”? Oh, please.

These ladies were not even really interested in your conjugal history. They were just trying, awkwardly, to make conversation. If they had any recognition of your wife’s problem, they might have posed their question on the assumption that long-term memory may survive when the short-term does not.

What should you have answered?

“Not long enough.”

life

Miss Manners for June 22, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In business correspondence, when I don’t have a name, I begin with “Dear Madam/Sir.” However, these days, not everyone is binary. Should I add “GF person” (as in gender-fluid), or “Human” or ...? Please guide me in being up-to-the-minute respectful.

GENTLE READER: You are to be commended for wanting to be inclusive. However, there are so many possibilities to consider that Miss Manners fears that an all-inclusive salutation would take up the entire paper, leaving no room for the content.

So: “Dear Client,” “Dear Acme Toilet Paper Company” or “To the Customer Service Department.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

On Kids Correcting Adults

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was having a disagreement with a friend about her 9-year-old daughter. She thinks it’s OK for her child to correct adults as long as she’s right. I feel it’s totally disrespectful to correct your elders. Especially at 9 years old!!! What is proper????

GENTLE READER: By that logic, you had better make sure that you are the elder in this relationship -- since Miss Manners notices that you are freely correcting your friend’s parenting.

But yes, as a general rule, it is unseemly for children to go around reprimanding adults, no matter that they are often undoubtedly right. But neither is it proper for anyone to issue citations without using tact, and that rule has been roundly violated here.

However, to the larger question: How to properly guide children to correct misinformation without creating offense -- a skill that will help them later in life, especially in their early careers.

It must be done with humility. As in, “Oh! I always heard that the Earth rotated from west to east, but I must have heard wrong. I will have to check my sources” -- thus helpfully prompting them to check theirs.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a member of any social media, which seem to be the rage these days. My husband’s younger relatives are now starting to have children and announce the births there, instead of sending out the birth announcements that I have always depended on for vital information such as the name of the child and the date of birth.

My husband does communicate through social media with these relatives, but has never felt it necessary to convey this information to me. When asked, he is vague about the details, since he does not feel it necessary to give presents for any reason, birthdays and Christmas included.

Since I have always handled the giving of such presents and am in ignorance of the relevant information, I have chosen not to send presents. Am I incorrect?

GENTLE READER: You cannot send presents to people whose events you are not aware of, or whose names you do not know. Miss Manners feels certain that once these young relatives are tipped off to this idea -- and the presents and good wishes start dwindling -- they will recommence sending announcements through the proper channels. In the meantime, consider that you have a temporary reprieve.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can I say to parents who comment on a child’s size? My child was asked, “How old are you, 7?” “Five,” he answered, to which she responded, “Oh! You’re really big for a 5-year-old.”

We would never dream of telling someone “Gosh, you’re really short for only being 47,” or “Golly, you’re very fat for being 28,” so I don’t know why it seems OK to speak this way to and about children. I’d like your help with a polite response I could make.

GENTLE READER: “Thanks so much for noticing. We’re hoping that by the time he turns 8, he’ll be big enough to drive.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Husband Alters Dish, Faces Wrath

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 19th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in her 60s and pride myself on my cooking. My sons and friends will vouch for my ability. I am also not above learning from others or taking suggestions.

That being said, the other night I was cooking some stuffed peppers in the oven. When I went to check on them, the tomato sauce looked very dark.

When I told my husband what I noticed, he said he had added some red wine.

I was livid. It’s one thing to come to me and say “Hey, how about adding ...” but to add it without me knowing was unacceptable. He seemed to think it was no big deal.

We are both in the wine and food industry. Do you think it is OK to alter someone else’s cooking while it is being cooked, and without asking or telling?

GENTLE READER: Not only is it not OK, it is a plot device for domestic murder mysteries. Miss Manners suggests you emphasize that point to your husband and make a deal going forward: No one may alter any food or drink in preparation without warning and explicit and verbal consent.

life

Miss Manners for June 19, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 19th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my spouse and I wed, we stated on our invitations, “No gifts, please.” However, a number of guests left cards with checks in them. Some of the amounts were in the range to cover expenses, but others were considerably more substantial.

Of course, we sent effusive thank-you cards, but I wonder: Should we have been more explicit and stated, “No gifts or cash”? While we were happy to get the money, I hate to think that we inadvertently implied that we were asking for cash in lieu of gifts, or even intended to leave the door open for it.

GENTLE READER: Because the modern wedding industry cannot conceive of a world in which you are not well-compensated for getting married, that is the modern interpretation of “No gifts.” It has seemingly been updated to place the emphasis on the word “gifts,” rather than “No.”

Miss Manners always found the phrase distasteful because of its implied expectation for presents in the first place. Now she finds it doubly so.

life

Miss Manners for June 19, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 19th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is considered impolite to ask for something that is not on the dinner table. I was wondering, however, if it were permitted to ask for routine things, such as salt or water.

Is it OK to ask for tea when coffee is offered, or should one just refuse a drink? Cream cheese is routinely offered with bagels, but I prefer butter. Is it acceptable to ask if they have such, or do I eat my bagel dry?

GENTLE READER: Naked bagels and beverage abstinence are not required, as long as requests are polite and reasonable. Miss Manners allows one usually available substitution per item, if no more than two words are used to modify it: “I wonder if you might have beer instead of wine” is acceptable. “Something hoppy in a locally sourced, sustainable craft lager” is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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