DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a friend’s milestone birthday celebration, where the birthday part is incidental to its being a charitable event consisting of a mock version of a popular game show. Guests are expected to pay to attend the event. The celebration will consist of serving an appropriately themed cake at the end of the event.

I am on a budget, and have specific charities to which I donate. I find this invitation distasteful, as it appears to be a minor form of extortion. Of course, I will gracefully decline and wish the celebrant well. Would you consider this invitation acceptable and/or in good taste?

GENTLE READER: What is an appropriately themed cake for such an event? A chocolate-frosted piggy bank?

You would not find Miss Manners at an adult birthday party playing games for money, no matter how worthy the charity. And she would not expect anyone else to do this, either.

Until celebrants understand that asking people to contribute funds to a charity so that they, themselves, can get the tax write-off is rude, graciously declining to do so is all that one can politely do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t mind my in-laws sending group texts when planning holidays or meeting for supper, but they take it a step too far. Twice in the last few months, they have group-texted myself, my husband, my brother-in-law and his wife about the death of family members.

While this to me is disturbing by itself, the kicker is that my husband’s phone is older and doesn’t receive group texts, so it falls on me to relay the message. I have told his parents he is not receiving their messages, but they don’t seem to care. I am ready to take texting off of my phone.

Is this the new norm? Am I out of place for thinking they could relay the message to their two sons by phone?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends you tell them so in person or over the phone. “You know, Austin doesn’t get your texts, and I don’t feel comfortable relaying sensitive family information secondhand. I wonder if you could call us when something like Nana Mary’s health is in jeopardy. The angel emoji followed by the ‘zzzz’ sign was particularly confusing.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lady who is taller than her husband, a fact that seldom escapes the notice and comments of others, even strangers. To complicate matters, I love wearing high heels and my husband encourages me to do so, making our height difference even more pronounced.

Is there is a rule that states that women should endeavor not to be taller than their husbands? I don’t feel like giving up my heels, and my husband is not about to wear lifts. Besides, if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak, no one would pay the slightest attention to his being taller than me. What does Miss Manners have to say?

GENTLE READER: That people should update their cliches and narratives.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I refuse to accept plastic items at gatherings, and do without if there is not another option. Finger foods on a paper napkin work very well, as gatherings that use plastic tend to be casual. I take paper goods as my contribution, so others have a choice, also.

This is done without getting on a soapbox or offending the host. This planet is drowning in plastic, and each person can make a difference, starting with their personal choices. If one can refuse to eat meat, one should also be able to refuse, tactfully, plastic.

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, but here on the ground (as opposed to up on the soapbox), the way to do that is not to draw attention to why -- or what -- one is refusing. Just as Miss Manners objects to the guest who explains in detail why she hates mushrooms, she believes that a guest with a preference for paper should confine her answer to a polite, enigmatic refusal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We all know that cutting in a line is rude. At grocery stores and banks, polite people are used to lining up nicely. Why then, when we are driving, do some people insist on cutting?

I’m referring to those times when a construction zone is ahead, and we are supposed to move into one lane. Most cars do, but a few will use the still-available free lane to zoom ahead and scoot in front of the polite (gullible?) drivers. As a result, the rest of us end up going even slower.

I have tried something that my husband claims is dangerous. Perhaps it is. But is it also rude?

There are only two lanes going in my direction. I see ahead a long line in one lane, and know that all traffic in the other lane will eventually have to merge. So I move into the free lane. But instead of zipping ahead, I stay slow, moving at the same speed as the rest of the traffic.

I’m not cutting, but I am keeping others from cutting in front of me. When I get to the very front, I then signal to merge in. I may have to wait a car or two, but I’m only back those few cars, instead of the many that would have cut.

Do I merely risk being shot at by an angry and rude driver, or am I also being impolite?

GENTLE READER: We all laugh dismissively when a character in a play or movie makes the most minimal change in appearance -- glasses, a hat or a cape -- and is no longer recognized by the other characters in the drama. But the joke is on us.

A driver can be seen and recognized. Miss Manners says this not to justify rude behavior on the road, but to agree with you how bizarre it is when otherwise polite and sweet-tempered individuals believe they can get away unidentified.

The underlying tenets of manners do not change on the highway, which means that while she agrees that it is rude to cut in line, it is also rude to provoke other drivers. While you could claim that your solution does not do that, we both know what is in your heart.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What has happened to the art of small talk? It is, or used to be, a style of conversation that exchanges small ideas and small questions, enabling people to know each other better. It should make a person more comfortable.

Starting with, “How do you know the host?” is a good idea. Asking “Do you work near here?” is less intrusive than “What do you do?” and lets the person tell as much as they want. If I have met the person before, I might ask, “Are you still working at ____?” In turn, the person would ask a question such as, “Are you still involved with your hobby?”

I was at a child’s birthday party where there were more adults than children. It was a small gathering, and I have known all the guests several years. I asked each person questions about their work, their family, hobbies, etc.

Everyone seemed comfortable giving me updates on their lives, but not one person asked me a single question. Not one person, not one question, though we did share stories related to the questions I asked. They all know I am involved with volunteering and what my hobbies are. They know me enough to ask me about my life. Except for two other adults, everyone there was a generation or two younger than me.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I being selfish? Am I expecting too much of the younger generation?

GENTLE READER: People who only talk about themselves are a bore in any generation. But as you had the next generation readily at hand, Miss Manners would have switched to engaging the children. This assumes they were young enough to learn that their elders may have interesting stories to tell -- and requires that you be interesting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a trained singer with many years of experience singing at weddings, as well as general performance. About a year ago, I helped someone who worked at my daughter’s school, who was in a bind because her singer had dropped out three weeks before the wedding. I offered to sing for her wedding, which she offered to pay me for, since I had to travel two hours.

I was invited to the reception, as well. I gave a card, but not a cash gift, and I feel that I offended by not doing so.

I am now singing for a much closer friend, who has invited me to the reception, as well. I plan to sing for free as a gift to her (and her parents), but since I am going to the reception, should I not also give a gift? I don’t want to end up feeling guilty again.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the point that presents are not, strictly speaking, required, even of wedding guests (they are supposed to want to give), Miss Manners asks you to look into your soul -- if not your performance agreement -- to determine in what capacity you are attending.

Friends and family give presents; paid performers do not. Unfortunately, one can, as in your first example, be both, in which case a present is a kind gesture. She is, however, unconvinced by the argument that waiving your usual fee can serve as the gift: Nonprofessional friends may participate in the wedding as well, and their gift is no less valuable. Which is why many performers avoid singing at friends’ weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)