DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a university professor and a part-time curator at a museum where we sponsor lectures by prominent figures in my field. After the evening lecture, the speaker and his or her spouse, if present -- in addition to any local friends, my wife, my assistant and possibly a few of my students who have attended -- all go out to dinner together at a good restaurant.

My assistant pays the bill with his credit card from the museum. From time to time, my assistant’s spouse attends the lecture, too, and has never been included in the dinner party. My assistant is pestering me to include her. We know her, but are not members of the same social circle.

My assistant argues that once the lecture is over and we go out, the occasion has become a social one, and spouses who are present should be included. I feel that it’s still a work event, despite the presence of people who are not getting paid by the museum.

Which is it? I will abide by your ruling.

GENTLE READER: It is so long since business hours had a definite end, after which workers were free to spend time with people of their own choosing, that Miss Manners is not surprised that you are both confused. Pseudo-socializing for professional reasons is so common that many only find out who their real friends are when they leave their jobs.

So here is a double answer:

Yes, these dinners are part of the job. Your assistant is there to work. If the lecturers were not there, you and he or she would not be out on the town together. Rather, you would both be free to spend time with your respective spouses or friends.

But you have taken your assistant’s evening, probably without paying overtime. You are even sending the wife home after she attends the lecture, in sight of all the other spouses accompanying you to dinner -- including yours.

You can justify this because your assistant is working. Nevertheless, Miss Manners asks you not to do so. It may be justified, but it is mean.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a long-time single person (divorced), my advice to anyone who receives a wedding invitation that does not include a guest is: Don’t go. If the bride is trying to save money, this will help her out.

Why would any engaged couple (generally joined at the hip) think sitting around at a party that is 99% couples is a fun time for a single person? Especially when the dancing starts.

It’s not so great to sit at a table by yourself. It’s actually condescending, and borders on disrespectful. I used to return the RSVP cards with a will-not-attend, but now, I don’t even bother doing that.

GENTLE READER: How disrespectful!

But Miss Manners agrees that you should not attend this wedding. You have so many good reasons:

You do not like the bride, whom you suspect of parsimony.

You do not want to socialize with the couple’s relatives and friends.

You have no interest in witnessing this marriage, only in using the occasion to have “a fun time” with someone the couple doesn’t know and therefore did not invite.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was nominated for an award, which I did not win -- and that’s fine!

Prior to the awards ceremony, all nominees were given an invitation to the “losers’ party” after the ceremony. The party was off-site and we (losing nominees and our plus-ones) were taken there in a series of buses.

I was on the second bus, and when we arrived, we found out that entry into the party venue had been cut off due to capacity concerns. Our bus driver refused to take us back to the original venue, and we were all left standing in the street on a chilly evening, wearing our nice clothes -- “we” being at least 50 people.

We were then told to stand and wait, because if other people left, an equal number could be let in. Initially we were told that only nominees could enter, without our plus-ones, though this was later changed.

At that point, I physically couldn’t stand any longer (I have bad joints, and I know I’m not the only one with physical issues who was there) and I didn’t want to compete with my fellows to gain entry. Some cabs had thankfully been called at that point, so I left.

I’m honestly not even that mad about missing the party itself, since I’m not really a party person, but I feel like it was unconscionably rude to give out more invitations than there was space and then abandon us in the street outside, to find our way home at just shy of midnight in a city where public transit basically shuts down at 11 on a Sunday.

I’ve been told (though do take this with the large grain of salt that hearsay deserves) that the party venue was nearly full before any of the “losers” the party was supposedly for had arrived, because we were still all at the awards ceremony.

No apology or explanation has been given by the party organizers, and that’s really all I want. The radio silence feels like an implication that I’m being the unreasonable one for being upset I wasn’t allowed into a party I was explicitly invited to. Am I in the right or wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Since even the contingency plan had a contingency, Miss Manners assures you that you were wise to leave. There are only so many defeats one must reasonably have to endure in a single evening.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize that this is an indelicate subject, but it’s one that has been bothering me for a while. When a guest in someone’s house, is one expected to leave the toilet clean after use, or is it OK to leave splatter?

There is a cleaning brush nearby, so I feel there is no excuse for a dirty commode, except laziness. I also have this question when traveling with someone and sharing a bathroom. Am I being overly fastidious?

GENTLE READER: Not to the person who plans to use your bathroom next.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been under some impression or guidance that guests wearing the bride’s chosen color scheme were honoring the bride’s family.

The rationale was that guests would send the message that they were so happy for the couple that they would appear to be part of the wedding party, even if only casually. Also, the wedding party would appear much larger than it actually is to an outside observer, and in photographs.

However, I have since learned that wearing the bride’s theme color, determined by save the date and invitation colors, was in fact offensive. Some brides have made a point to make their themes a secret, and I have wondered if that was the reason why.

GENTLE READER: Were you really under the impression that a bride’s childish affinity for a bubblegum-pink unicorn wedding had some secret underlying meaning? And are you now worried that if you sussed it out or paid tribute to it, you would be in danger of exposing the secret or falsely posing as family?

Miss Manners understands that unity in the bridal party is often symbolized through matching clothing. But the idea that a color may only be reserved for a certain category of attendees is just silly. She suggests, instead, that everyone stop thinking so much about this superficial detail -- and focus instead on the most important element of the wedding: the cake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 10-year-old daughter was close friends with a 12-year-old girl in her class. Now, my daughter told me she has stopped talking to her friend because she consistently says “mean things,” uses profanity and physically displays jealousy (grabbing her arm) if my daughter pays attention to other friends.

My daughter said she has blocked her friend from communicating with her, and specifically requested that I respect her wishes and not communicate with the friend’s mother (whom I don’t have any relationship with).

I work in the law enforcement profession, and know that the friend’s family is involved in domestic disputes and other negative behaviors. I am torn, because my heart is sad that her friend behaves this way and that my daughter lost a friend, but I am proud of my daughter for making what I feel to be a mature, positive decision.

I can’t help but want to “meddle” and talk to the friend’s parents, but I want to respect my daughter’s wish to leave it alone. What advice do you have?

GENTLE READER: That you meddle, but indirectly and with discretion.

If you have real reason to believe that your daughter’s friend might be in danger, it seems to Miss Manners that your moral -- and professional -- obligation is to get involved. Since you are in law enforcement, you could see if it is possible to pass the task along to someone else with whom you work and trust. That way, it cannot be directly traced to you -- either by your daughter or by the girl’s family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)