life

Bored Wives: Crash Those After-Dinner Business Chats

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 27th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a business executive and I am a CEO for a nonprofit organization. His company’s leadership team is all male and socializes often, typically with dinner parties to which spouses are also invited. After dinner, the men most often retire to another area for cigars, leaving the spouses to converse until the evening is over.

The women are kind to me, but being the only one with a career and without children, I have little in common with them. Invariably, conversation quickly covers the latest fashions and television shows, followed by at least two hours discussing their children.

When I am occasionally asked about myself, I try to introduce a topic that might be of interest to all, but inevitably conversation returns to their children. I try to remain attentive, such that no one would suspect my profound boredom. Worse, I envy my husband, who is enjoying conversation about business leadership that I would find fascinating, and where I would enjoy engaging as a peer.

Our home is too small to host, so when we reciprocate, we plan a fun activity that encourages a more egalitarian social experience. While everyone professes to have had a good time, it is regarded as a one-time event and does not impact the social norm.

I want to support my husband, but I am finding these occasions increasingly excruciating. Other than “grin and bear it” or bowing out, do you have any suggestions that could help me engage or behave in a way that would make these events more satisfying for me?

GENTLE READER: Didn’t we solve this problem 50 years ago by banning business-related stag dinners? And haven’t we been trying, for just as long, to do away with the stereotype that mothers who are not in paid jobs are boring?

Well, maybe this set is. Parents do like to talk about their children.

But people tend to marry those with whom they have things in common even before they have children. If those husbands are interesting, it seems unlikely that the wives are all dullards. It is even possible that each one thinks that the others are, and restricts her conversation accordingly.

So although you do not have to attend those dinners, Miss Manners would like you to try again to draw them out. They probably have some interest in the business world, not only because of their husbands, but because so many are in it before being home with small children, and plan to reenter it. Perhaps they also do volunteer work and might be interested to hear about your nonprofit organization.

If you find even one kindred spirit, you could ask her to join you in crashing the stag party. That’s what we did in the days when that separation of the sexes after dinner was common.

life

Miss Manners for January 27, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 27th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 21-year-old female who works closely with many people a lot older than I am. How do I politely respond to older women when they’re talking about the “joys of getting older,” i.e., hot flashes, loss of hair or memory, or anything that used to work that now doesn’t? I don’t want them to think I’m unsympathetic, but I also don’t want them to think I pity them.

GENTLE READER: “You’re certainly giving me something to look forward to.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

On Finding Money in the Park

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 25th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On our daily dawn walk, my friend and I found $4 folded on the ground. No one was around. I said, “Oh! Coffee money!”

She picked it up and put it on a nearby picnic table. It was a small amount of cash, no wallet or ID, so why did I feel guilty for wanting to take it? Was she right? Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: The only fault here was innocence. Miss Manners finds your friend’s action sweet, but naive. The reality is that you are only leaving it for the next passerby.

She therefore declares that unidentifiable cash under $100 is fair game. Unmarked suitcases with stacks of bills inside must, however, be turned in to the authorities.

life

Miss Manners for January 25, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 25th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I own a one-bedroom, one-bathroom place in a popular resort city. Every summer, our relatives (brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces) stay with us for periods ranging from one weekend to a whole week, although they don’t all visit at the same time.

On the bathroom sink, there is a bar of soap, my husband’s and my toothbrushes, toothpaste, shaving cream and various facial and skin care products. In the shower stall, there is shower gel and various hair care products. There is a guest hand-towel in the bathroom, and I give each guest a set of fresh towels for personal use.

Some of the guests bring their own toiletries, which they put on the sink and in the shower; others simply help themselves to what’s available without asking. I can tell because the bottles empty out quickly.

My husband is of the opinion that the shower gel, like the bar of soap and guest hand-towel, are for common use, while the skin and facial products and hair products are for personal use -- like the bath towels I give each guest -- even if we leave them in the bathroom. I argue that if we don’t want the guests to use those products, then we should at least put them in the bathroom cabinet out of sight. He counter-argues that that is inconvenient, and guests should only use their own products.

For the record, when I stay at someone’s place, I bring my own toiletries and keep them in a bag on the bedside table. What should the polite and courteous guests/hosts do?

GENTLE READER: You husband is relying on a Newtonian level of deductive reasoning from your guests to figure out what is for public use and what is not.

Miss Manners agrees with the principle: that guests should bring their own toiletries for use in a communal bathroom. However, if they cannot be trusted and you want to keep your personal items, well, personal, Miss Manners suggests a compromise: Put your own things away and then purchase economy-size versions of shampoo, conditioner and shower gel, so that it is very clear what is to be shared -- and what is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Don’t Ask About My Christmas

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 24th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know people are being nice when they ask if I had a nice Christmas, but I didn’t. My husband is dead, my only sibling is dead, my youngest child is dead and my other child is not having anything to do with me because I sold my home and moved to a smaller one. And I have a mother in a nursing home with dementia, who picked Christmas day to kick me hard in the shin three times when I was trying to help her.

When people ask about my Christmas, I just say, “It was OK.” Should I tell them how I really felt about that day?

GENTLE READER: Only if your intention is to ruin theirs.

life

Miss Manners for January 24, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 24th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I have been asked to give advice on various people’s paths through life, based on my own. There is no conversation I am less inclined to have, since I have little available time, am repelled by the idea of discussing my private affairs with a complete stranger, and consider that I am in no position to advise anyone.

Yet such an interview has been proposed by more than one young person, or the young person’s relative, as if there were a generally accepted social obligation to accede to it. When I say that I am sorry but I cannot, they appear surprised and offended.

Can Miss Manners suggest a more delicate way of refusing such a request, which is not meant to be, but that I consider to be, offensively intrusive and an unwarranted imposition on my time?

GENTLE READER: Intrusive? Is it possible that there are people left on this self-publicizing Earth who do not want to regale unsuspecting audiences with all the minutiae of their lives? Miss Manners is torn between admiration and admonition -- the latter for the fact that you do not find it flattering to want to be emulated.

However, she will help you out by arming you with this sentence if you promise to utter it kindly: “I am flattered, but I am afraid that my life’s path, in all of its lengthy details, would bore you. If you have a specific question about my field, I would be happy to answer it.” Then, at the very least, your admirers will have to go away for a while and do some research before attempting to bother you again.

life

Miss Manners for January 24, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 24th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a server, I happily extend hospitality to the entire spectrum of society, using “sir,” “ma’am,” “ladies,” etc. when addressing guests.

On occasion, I’m perplexed when ladies dressed in matching, masculine clothes dine at a table I’m serving. I feel awkward using both “ma’am” and “sir.” I’m not certain which they would prefer, and certainly do not want to offend.

GENTLE READER: Avoid giving titles entirely. Use “everyone” and “anyone” wherever possible, as in “Does everyone have everything they need?” or “Does anyone need anything?” When in doubt -- or when trying to single someone out -- Miss Manners highly recommends eye contact.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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