DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a person one might call the “blue sheep” in my otherwise completely red, large extended family. That fact happens to be a known “hot button” that many in my family openly and joyfully push, often in bold and condescending ways, when I am around them.

I would much prefer to keep topics light and jovial, such as learning how they have been since last seeing them (which has been much less over the recent years), discussing the event we’re attending, commenting on the weather or food, and other neutral topics.

How can I politely yet firmly shut down direct, hurtful comments made to provoke me without appearing defensive, weak or unaware of their intentional attempts to engage me? Civil discourse is never their goal when approaching me with their agendas.

GENTLE READER: That it is undesirable to seem defensive or weak toward people who are trying to provoke you, Miss Manners understands. But what is wrong with seeming to be unaware?

Goading people is only fun if they react. Surely you must have been told that by a parent when you came home from kindergarten crying.

So your response to a political jibe should be, “Great to see you, Uncle Horace. I hope your gout hasn’t been bothering you too much.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I prefer not to hug, and not even to shake hands. As a (female, if that matters) homeowner, I have had salespersons come to give quotes for work to be done on my property. They shook hands at the beginning and again at the end of our meeting.

I later found out they had lied to me -- for instance, about not having a license to work in my town, or not having insurance for their employees. I felt the handshake -- which used to convey not only good will but honesty, work ethic, etc. -- was used to try to trick me into believing lies, and hiring someone because I “felt good” about them, rather than based on facts.

Another place I no longer feel the handshake is reasonable or necessary is in the doctor’s office. I had one doctor who would come in, shake my hand, THEN go wash her hands (presumably washing my germs off her hands after passing the previous patient’s germs on to me!). In this case, I feel there is a medical reason not to shake hands.

I therefore have begun refusing: “I prefer not to shake hands. Nothing personal.” If they request more of an explanation, I explain that I no longer feel it has the meaning it used to. While most people are surprised, after giving it a bit of thought, it’s accepted without annoyance.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, most people would flee in terror from the prospect of a conversation about the meaningfulness of conventional gestures. But what happens when some salesperson sees it as a chance to have a bonding philosophical exchange?

So when there are follow-up questions to your first statement, Miss Manners recommends shrugging it off, saying, “Oh, it’s just a quirk of mine.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live on opposite coasts from our son, his wife and their toddler son. For many years now, my wife and my son haven’t been on the best of terms, although both are almost always civil towards each other.

As a result of this underlying tension, they sometimes send photos of our grandson (via email and social media) just to me. This means that, if I want my wife to see and enjoy those photos, I need to forward them to her. This makes her feel bad, for obvious reasons. Either that, or I sometimes feel that I just need to do nothing and pretend that I didn’t get the photos to spare her the anxiety.

I’m thinking I should email my son and daughter-in-law and insist that they include both of us on all future photo sharing. Is this called for? Is there a better way?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Reconcile them.

Miss Manners fears that sending that email will upset the delicate balance that has so precariously been created. And that your proposal will only drive the two further apart -- or worse, exclude you from getting the pictures, as well.

Facilitating a conversation between them -- without using your grandson as bait -- seems far more practical. After all, as you might emphasize to your son, the child will soon be old enough to form his own opinions, and your son will not want to be on the negative end of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother died after her third battle with cancer, we held a visitation the night before the memorial service for two hours, plus another hour the following day, before the service. There was also a luncheon.

I am very hurt that none of my in-laws attended. Not my mother-in-law or father-in-law, nor my husband’s sister, his brother or brother’s wife. NO ONE. They never sent a card or anything.

My husband made sure they knew where and when the services/visitations were. In my mind, there is no excuse for not supporting their son/brother and his family. When my friend asked my sister-in-law which visitation she was going to, she said, “I don’t do funerals.”

It’s not about her! Ugh.

I’m trying to move on and forgive them, but I’m not sure I can without confronting them about it. Am I completely out of line? Or are they really that selfish?

GENTLE READER: The latter, it seems. Not “doing” funerals is a particularly charming touch. Ugh, as you would say.

Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with holding on to a bit of resentment by way of a somewhat chilly reception next time you meet. If asked what the problem is, you may answer, “Our family was so disappointed that none of yours were able to attend any of my mother’s services” and leave it at that. If an apology is issued, accept it -- even if it includes selfish, unseemly or grammatically questionable excuses.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a divorced guy who is in long-term recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. I have been attending a Sunday morning meeting regularly for years.

Last week, as I was arriving for the meeting, I noticed that my ex-wife, who is newly sober, was there. I left before the meeting started. This group is important to me, but I’m uncomfortable sharing with my ex there. I really want her to find her way in sobriety. Not sure what to do.

GENTLE READER: Is talking to her an option?

Miss Manners does not ask this facetiously; she understands that exes are often not on speaking terms. But she also cannot imagine that even the angriest and most resentful one would not want the same privacy that you do if she is genuinely pursuing better health.

You might send her a message saying, “I was so glad to catch a glimpse of you at the weekly meeting and see that you are doing well. However, in the interest of us both being able to speak freely there, I wonder if you would consider attending at a different location or time.”

If there is any amount of civility in the relationship -- or at least desire to create goodwill with the other meeting attendees -- surely she will see the reasoning in this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office has one microwave. Generally, people are considerate of smelly food and the like during the lunchtime rush.

But one guy consistently brings in frozen microwave dinners that take so long to cook that the queue gets three or four people deep behind him. He will pop his dish in during prime time, and then leave while it cooks.

Those waiting in line are so irritated with his inconsiderate behavior that they’ll stop the microwave after he walks out and reheat their own meal, resulting in his irritation when he returns after a few minutes. It seems harsh on both sides. Words of wisdom?

GENTLE READER: Get another microwave. Barring that, Miss Manners suggests posting a helpful note that says, “Please limit cooking time during lunch hours to five minutes.” People in offices do so enjoy helpful notes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A childhood friend is in town for two weeks with her kid. I suggested a few things that may be fun for kids: zoo, aquarium, etc.

She wants me to watch a movie with them, but does not want to meet before or after the movie, as she wants to hang out with other friends then.

Is there any point to catching up in a movie theater where we can’t even talk? It would have been different if it were the kid’s recital or sports event, but this sounds like an “I don’t want to meet you” invitation.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Miss Manners supposes that you are lucky the friend did not suggest dropping off the kids with you and not attending altogether. She recommends you head off that option by saying, “It sounds as if you have a busy two weeks. Perhaps we can make plans the next time you are in town and have more opportunity to talk and catch up.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)