DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a member of the clergy and instructor of moral theology, I’ve condemned the practice of demanding or expecting (often exorbitant) gifts from others. I’ve said that weddings are not opportunities for those getting married to guilt or berate family and friends out of cash or expensive items.

These comments have been made publicly in general terms, never about a specific individual, and usually as a result of being asked a question. But in a private conversation, one person who was preparing to be married referenced some of my comments, saying that I must “hate” her because she’d requested cash-only gifts at her wedding.

I said, “Of course, I don’t hate you. I wish you hadn’t done that, because your wedding shouldn’t be about money, but I understand how hard it is to resist temptation.” I thought I was being tactful, kind and polite.

A few days later, her fiance told me that she’d told her family that I had “changed my mind” and said that “asking for cash was OK.” He was upset because she was using what I’d said as “a hammer to force his aunts and uncles into giving (them) money.”

Shaking my head, I said that he had my blessing to tell his relatives that she misunderstood my comments, and that they should feel free to give or not give according to their own consciences.

I’m curious as to what Miss Manners thinks, and what she would have done in a similar situation. I wanted to be polite and supportive, but I fear I became an unwitting cudgel for matrimonial extortion. I’ve considered withdrawing from performing the ceremony, but that would upset many people, including the couple being married.

Does Miss Manners have any recommendations for me? What would you advise the husband-to-be in this case to do about the situation?

GENTLE READER: That he immediately get a firm grip on all wedding-related correspondence. And Miss Manners recommends that if premarital counseling is not already included in the church’s wedding package, you quickly add it.

This bride’s manipulation and distortion of the truth -- in the name of a clergy member, no less -- is shameless and not likely to end with the wedding.

Who better than a member of the church to preach the importance of honesty, honor and humility? You would be doing this couple, their guests and the institution of marriage a tremendous service.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In today’s age, what are the options for signing a birthday card to our future daughter-in-law???

GENTLE READER: What does she call you???

Is the real question whether or not you have to sign the card “Mom and Dad”? Especially if that is not an honor that you have previously bestowed?

If you would rather delay that decision or not invoke it at all, Miss Manners assures you that it is also fine to sign your names. She just suggests that you do not taunt the lady by putting the monikers in quotation marks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was generally not treated well during childhood. I was plain, and was also a very quiet, shy, bookish kid who simply would not fight back. I suffered brutal bullying -- including serious physical abuse, mocking, name-calling and social isolation -- at school, at home and in the neighborhood where I grew up. I was friendless and blamed for my lot by my family, rather than helped to manage things better.

Away from the stress and sadness of that life, I did blossom into a pretty young woman and, with the positive attention that won me, was able to put my unhappy past where it belonged -- for the most part, anyway. I was able to learn the skills needed to get along in this world. Now that I’m middle-aged, people who know me describe me as sweet, kind, thoughtful, giving and polite, though still shy and quiet.

In my heart, I forgive the people who made things so difficult for me, but I have no wish to socialize with them, either.

Former classmates and neighbors approach me to sort of apologize for their past treatment of me, and to let me know how wonderful everyone from the old neighborhood is now. How do I politely make it understood that, while I hold no grudge, I am just not interested in reliving that pain?

GENTLE READER: The trick, Miss Manners assures you, is to use your skills: the quietness and shyness that you have always had, combined with the firmness you learned later.

Politely acknowledge what your classmate or neighbor says without elaborating, responding, or showing either interest or anger. Then, before they can elaborate, excuse yourself -- by crossing the room, not answering the follow-up email, or not friending them on social media -- and go on with your new life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the event of a date, is it customary for the lady to confirm the date on the day of the event? Should the man confirm? The date was arranged the day before, so I didn’t see any need to confirm.

He stood me up, saying that I didn’t confirm with him so he assumed that we were not going. Am I out of line to be upset?

GENTLE READER: Having noticed that patients and clients could not be depended on to keep appointments, doctors, dentists and contractors started sending confirmations of scheduled appointments. That did not work either, so they added reminders a week before, a day before. In desperation, some now send texts even closer to the event.

None of this should be misunderstood as an etiquette requirement, Miss Manners notes. A courtesy reminder -- after the initial acceptance -- is courteous in the sense that it is not required. The same is true of personal appointments.

A commitment made verbally through an open car window as the light is changing in a heavy downpour with children screaming in the backseat is still a commitment. You are justified in being upset that the gentleman stood you up, although missing a date with someone so inconsiderate may be a blessing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me if it is proper to take the complimentary sets of soaps, lotions, shower caps etc. from your hotel room. If you are staying more than one day, can you take them on a daily basis? My husband says no and I say yes.

GENTLE READER: The rule -- back when hotels provided actual bars of soap and actual bottles of shampoo -- was to use only what you required on-site.

Too few people followed the rule, however, which caused the hotels to switch to sample-size products, a euphemism for “microscopic.” As these are intended to be thrown out each time the room changes hands, Miss Manners throws up her hands if you choose to make off with the remaining drops rather than allow them to go to waste. She remains firmly opposed to hiding half-full bottles to force replacement, and to ransacking the supply cart.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a wonderful family gym. The class I attend has its regulars, and we support each other in accomplishing our fitness goals in the daily classes. I have been attending regularly with my 15-year-old son for almost a year now.

One day in class, a fellow female gym-mate invited me to have dinner “with us” after class, and I accepted the offer. I asked her if it’s OK if my son joined, as we both know her from the gym and work out alongside each other. She said “yes” with a smile and enthusiasm.

When my son and I arrived at the dinner after the workout, we immediately realized this was a by-invite-only event and all those in attendance were female adults.

Needless to say, I was ready to leave soon after arriving. Not only that, but all those in attendance, with the exception of myself and my son, had contributed to a going-away gift, which was presented to the hostess at the dinner. We both felt very awkward and soon after left.

Was it rude to leave early, or should I have ignored my feelings and endured the entire dinner? I feel awkward now going back to the gym. How should I approach these women?

GENTLE READER: There is a common misperception that awkwardness, because it is uncomfortable, is also intolerable. This is not the case, which is why Miss Manners can appreciate what an unpleasant surprise it was for your son to see the other guests when you arrived, without her therefore giving you permission to beat a hasty retreat.

Your hostess was not taken by surprise, having given her express permission. And anyway, teenaged boys all need to learn to interact with adults -- even adult women -- sometime. This should have been easier given that he was already doing so at the gym.

Dampen your own -- unnecessary -- embarrassment so that you can reassure your son that he has no reason for a similar feeling, either upon returning to the gym or, had you remained, being social at the party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)