DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest child, age 24, is getting engaged. He is a trans man planning a pagan/cosplay wedding where guests are welcome to dress up in costume. His intended, age 21 (ish?), is a trans woman.

His other parent (my abusive former husband, with whom I have no contact other than through the courts) has also come out, transitioned, and is now a trans woman. Our divorce may or may not be final by the time the wedding occurs.

It is likely that my parents and I will throw a potluck/picnic reception, as people of modest means around here sometimes do, for the happy couple. I am not sure where the other set of parents is in all this. It’s a little confusing yet.

I learned as a child that good manners were how you made sure that everyone was happy and comfortable. But I’m lost as to how to word the announcements/invitations, which names go on them, and in what order.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not often concern itself with the relationship and backstory of its participants, only in who is doing the inviting.

Presumably everyone involved has names. Use them. Especially if they are different from the original ones, as this is a chance to alert people to updates in gender, names and pronouns.

Miss Manners would give you specifics, but she is not entirely certain who are the hosts at which event. If the couple is giving the wedding themselves, and you and your parents are giving the reception, the invitation may be worded thus:

“The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Ms. Jace Payton and Mr. Cayden Smithton ...” followed by the date, time and place, and then: “and afterwards by Ms. Eleanor Smithton and Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Smithton at a potluck/picnic reception ...” with the address.

If anyone else, such as the bride’s parents, your former spouse or other interested parties, becomes involved, you may either add their names to the appropriate event or have them issue their own invitations -- for rehearsal dinners, brunches or other masquerades and costumed rituals. Presumably each guest will recognize at least one name or surname on the invitation -- and be able to figure out or fill in the rest.

Elaborate costuming may, Miss Manners cautions, make this task infinitely harder at the wedding itself. But far be it from her to take away from anyone’s good time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me if and/or how I should respond when hosts begin to brag to other guests about my excellence and dependability at sending thank-you notes for occasions just like the one we are all attending together?

Friends and acquaintances actually make comments such as, “I don’t know how you do it!” and “You must have loads of free time.”

It is embarrassing, for some reason I don’t understand, and I’d like to improve my response from just sitting there smiling and waiting for the moment to pass.

GENTLE READER: “I like to do it because I feel so grateful to have been invited to such a wonderful event. Don’t you?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I free to order what I want when someone asks me to dinner? When I am paying for myself, I order what I want, and am not concerned about the price. Can I do the same when someone else will be paying for the meal?

GENTLE READER: No. When your hosts invite you to dinner, they do not hand over their charge cards.

A good guest avoids the pricier items on the menu. Miss Manners waives this rule in only three circumstances: first, when the host is specific about ordering an expensive item (“Try the lobster,” but not “Order whatever you want”). Second, when there is a mutual understanding about cost and reciprocity (i.e., the host for a recurring outing rotates, and there is a history of how much the meals cost). Third, when you are trying to forestall offers of a second date.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I graduated from law school, I had a graduation party at my home, for which I mailed out invitations. Four of the invitees were complete no-shows; despite my request that they RSVP, they must have forgotten to send their regrets.

I’m subscribed to a new service from the post office that sends me digital pictures of the letters I’ll receive, before they arrive in my mailbox. A few days after the party, I received one such notification: an image of an envelope with my address handwritten on it. The return address was cut off. It was almost surely a note from one of the invitees who couldn’t make it; few people know my address, and fewer still send handwritten notes.

I’d always thought “lost in the mail” was a euphemism, but now, a few weeks later, this letter still hasn’t turned up. I’m at a loss. One of these four people must’ve sent me a note (or even a gift), and I don’t want to appear ungrateful. But I also don’t want to shame the other three no-shows by asking if they were the ones who hadn’t bothered to send a note.

GENTLE READER: What will they think of next? Miss Manners herself prefers ignorance to being teased with notice of mail that is not then actually delivered.

It does, however, provide a solution to your dilemma. You could write to all four no-shows explaining -- in a light-hearted manner -- the awkward situation in which you find yourself. But beware. Mention only “a letter,” not a response to your invitation, and certainly not a present. Better to ignore the entire situation than to send a note that appears to be soliciting a gift when one was not, in fact, sent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has been trying to find out the proper placement of chairs after getting up from the dining table. Are they to be left back, or repositioned under the table? Does this change when it’s women only, versus when men are present?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette interests itself in many arcane points, but the placement of the furniture after people are done with it is not usually among them. So long as the chairs are upright, not blocking the exit, and in the same general area in which they started the evening, Miss Manners assures your wife that will suffice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a professional networking meeting, I was talking with the person sitting next to me. I had never met her before, and I was delighted to find that we shared a lot in common in terms of the type of work we do, common employers in our careers and so on.

Another attendee, who was sitting at the table in front of us, started to intrude on the conversation. He was latching on to things that my new acquaintance and I were saying, then taking them in his own direction, interrupting us repeatedly, and generally making the situation uncomfortable. I think he might have been on the autism spectrum.

I tried to be polite, responding to his conversation in limited ways where I felt I should in order not to be rude, but otherwise tried to turn the conversation back to the person I wanted to get to know. Once or twice, she and I just continued to talk to each other, ignoring yet another interruption from our third wheel, who would keep talking as the two of us tried to continue speaking to each other.

How should we have handled this situation? If my assumption is correct, I don’t believe that he deserves scorn for his behavior, nor would I choose to be rude in return. But I’m not sure how to discourage this type of behavior in a kind way.

GENTLE READER: If it surprises you to learn that the answer is independent of the motives and medical condition of your interloper, then Miss Manners will remind you that a mannerly person treats even the rude with civility, and that the infirm generally prefer to be treated like people to being pitied.

The only way to change a professional networking event into a first date is to change your physical location. This can be done by suggesting you excuse yourselves and go over to the bar or by suggesting a follow-up meeting and exchanging contact information.

So long as you remain in place, there is no polite way to exclude another networker from joining the conversation. Miss Manners apologizes if she has read too much into what you hope will happen next, but her answer is the same even if she has.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you fend off rude questions from co-workers such as, “That’s a nice sweater. Is it NEW?” They often look me up and down, scrutinizing every thread and every sleeve on my apparel, as they ask this question.

While I don’t mind compliments about my clothes, I do mind the judgment that follows these supposedly thoughtful remarks.

GENTLE READER: The advantage in buried criticisms is that you are under no obligation to dig them up. Miss Manners advises you to say only “Yes,” accompanied by your most wide-eyed smile.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)