DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just had surgery, and my boyfriend wants to leave for the weekend with his friend. I feel very hurt. Is it just me?

GENTLE READER: One of the duties of a boyfriend (a girlfriend, too) is to demonstrate a more-than-passing interest in the object of his affections.

Miss Manners uses the word “demonstrate” advisedly. She has no objection to his feelings also being genuine; that is merely outside of the realm of etiquette. But no matter how deep his love, you cannot reasonably be expected to appreciate it while he is away skiing and you are eating applesauce through a straw.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fed up with my fiance’s parenting skills of his 20-year-old son. This son lives with us in the home we bought together, as do my two children, ages 11 and 14. His son makes over $30,000 a year, does not contribute to one bill in our home, and does not have one chore to do.

I am a clean freak and I keep my home actually spotless, and his son is a complete pig with his room. He has been told a million times not to eat upstairs, as we just replaced the carpet, and he still continues to bring food upstairs.

I know it’s his room, but it is still my house, and he shows no respect as to the rules of the home. He comes and goes as he pleases, and never asks if he can help with anything. He won’t even take his own garbage out, nor does my fiance tell him to. We are even paying for his son’s cable that is in his bedroom.

My fiance is a wonderful man, and I don’t want to jeopardize what we have over this adult kid, who hopefully will be moving out soon. His other children are not speaking to him, and I feel that he does not want to make his son mad by giving him chores or making him pay a bill.

So, before I lose my mind, can you please tell me how I can close my eyes to all of this and live happily in this home with my fiance while his son resides there?

GENTLE READER: Second families face challenges that first families are spared, but one hopes that second family members also have the benefit of having learned something the first time around.

Your stepson’s age is both an asset and a liability: an asset because he will most likely be moving out soon, a liability because his interactions with his father are long ingrained.

Miss Manners can offer two starting points. First, identify some areas in which you are willing to recognize your stepson’s autonomy: perhaps at the door to his bedroom. Second, discuss the situation with your fiance, explaining that, as his son’s primary parent, he may have to be more active than in the past -- while also recognizing the effective limits of your own authority to make change directly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are invited to someone’s home for drinks and appetizers, how do you know when it is time for you to leave?

GENTLE READER: Before dinner is served or the hosts go to bed. As Miss Manners fears that seeing such activities is an indication you have already overstayed, she recommends keeping a discreet eye on the other guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, a Protestant, is engaged to be married to a Roman Catholic. One of her bridesmaids is now backing out of being an attendant because the marriage violates her conscience. The bridesmaid’s husband is also not supporting this interfaith marriage due to his strong religious beliefs.

However, in the same letter where the bridesmaid sorrowfully declined fulfilling her commitment to be a bridesmaid, they ask if they may still be permitted to attend the wedding. The harsh judgment exhibited by this lifelong friend has grieved my daughter, and she doesn’t especially want the couple to attend. How should we respond to them?

GENTLE READER: Protest is the ax of the body politic: It is sometimes necessary to fight entrenched injustice, but people who wield it should watch out for unguarded fingers and toes.

Your daughter’s bridesmaid is free to protest against the Catholic Church, but she cannot, in this particular case, do so without also implicitly questioning your daughter’s judgment in wanting to honor her fiance’s faith. As that is a serious insult, your daughter is right to drop her from the guest list.

The bridesmaid will no doubt say that that was not her intention, but Miss Manners’ patience with the frankly illogical has, of late, been under strain. Religious objections are quickly becoming a national sport.

Such objections can be made with good or bad motives, but let us not pretend that the motive is neutral. Your daughter should send her bridesmaid a written note saying how sorry she is that the bridesmaid is unable to overlook her objections to the church this once. And, that being the case, she should add that it would be best for all if the bridesmaid did not attend. This will avoid conflict with family, guests -- and at least one priest -- whose faith is deeply held.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there still a measurement that’s considered “proper” for how close a stamp is placed to the top and the right side of an envelope? I seem to remember that years ago, correct placement was considered proper etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette governs behavior among people, a fact obscured by the public’s -- though not etiquette’s -- obsession with the disposition of the silverware.

As the stamp is now more likely to interact with a machine at the post office than a clerk, it need only be in reasonable reach of that machine.

But as the recipient of the letter may see it before it lands in the trash, Miss Manners counsels that the stamp not be placed so as to draw unwanted attention on its way out. It should be far enough from the edges that it will not detach, and even enough that it does not suggest the poster was in no condition to be writing letters.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a girl who has fallen head-over-heels in love with a man around twice her age. As might be expected, my enormous, religious, rather stuffy family finds him objectionable. I understand this sentiment and harbor no ill will towards them, but I have been living with him for two years and am considering marriage.

Without the support of my family, I am not in a position to afford a wedding, nor do I have enough people in my life without them for a proper wedding party and such. I am considering elopement, but I want to do it in the most gracious way possible, and maybe invite a few close friends. I don’t imagine my family would bring me joy on this day, and I don’t know if I want to invite them. Besides, I could not afford a wedding large enough to accommodate all of them. And I’m no longer religious, which may offend some.

What would your advice be on dealing with the inevitable hurt feelings that would arise from excluding my family from my wedding? Should I forego the elopement altogether, suck it up and have a wedding with my family?

And how ought I alert my extended family about the marriage if I elope? Is it even possible to politely state: “I am now married, you were only excluded for budgetary reasons, and I don’t want a gift from you; here is a nice picture of us”?

I’m still not even sure if I’m married to the idea of tying the knot. All the potential for hurt feelings seems like more trouble than it might be worth!

GENTLE READER: Wait a minute. Did you just reveal ambiguity about the marriage itself? Miss Manners is not your therapist, but she knows enough to say that the answer to that is: Then don’t. Not unless you are sure.

However, she is your etiquette adviser, and will address the question of how to elope tactfully.

Elopements are characterized by secrecy and defiance of restraints, and you have both elements. But they also suggest a passionate abandonment of expectations, whether it is by lovers desperate to be married, or by a wife equally desperate to exchange her husband for her lover.

You needn’t arrange a nocturnal flight via a ladder at your bedroom window (which would be weird, as it is apparently also your fiance’s bedroom). But what will help inspire sympathy is the charm of romantic recklessness.

What you have suggested instead would be merely a very small wedding, with friends, but no relatives. So yes, the relatives would be bound to feel the insult of being excluded on top of the injury of having their disapproval defied.

Instead, why don’t you run to City Hall or whatever, with only one or two close friends, if any? Afterwards, confess to your family that you and Clarence just couldn’t bear not to be married and couldn’t wait. Ardent love stories tend to soften hearts.

And save the celebration for later, when you can invite everyone and they have come to realize that objections are now futile.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)