DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two acquaintances passed away, neither had a published obituary anywhere. Not on social media, not at any funeral home website, not in a newspaper, nor any information sent by mail. It made me sad that the story of their lives would go unmarked, but it also made it impossible to send flowers to any service or make a donation of their choosing.

Has this become too expensive? Or are obituaries just an old-fashioned custom?

GENTLE READER: Death rituals are changing, but what Miss Manners mostly sees is the opposite of your experience: celebratory parties; collections of flowers, balloons and teddy bears; even the re-staging of a favorite activity of the deceased, such as a sporting event.

She sympathized back when it was felt that the standard clergy-directed tradition was not personal enough. Speakers were added who could speak about the person’s life, with varying success. Some are skillful in evoking examples of important qualities and charming foibles. Others prefer to talk about how much their late friend admired them.

But all this began to turn into entertainment, and now often evolves into celebrations where mourning is supposed to be banished in favor of appreciation. Light memories are part of grieving, but they are not sufficient, especially when the loss is fresh.

Miss Manners doesn’t wonder that the bereaved are confused, and may not be up to orchestrating such events. However, ritual is of great importance and comfort when dealing with overwhelming emotion. Without a focus point, there is no outlet to express grief or offer sympathy.

What is needed is a combination of the personal, where the individual’s contributions and qualities are recognized, and the traditional, in which the inevitable tragedy of death is acknowledged. There may be amusing moments, but the occasion must be recognized as serious and difficult.

What is unbearable is the thought that someone can leave life without a trace.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an adult who is not on any social media. My theory is, if you love me, you’ll call me. I don’t feel the need to see what everyone is doing 24 hours a day.

With that being said, I have friends who feel they have to check their phones during dinner ”with the girls.”

I sat the other night with three grown women continually checking their phones, showing me pictures of people I don’t know or care about. I go to dinner with friends to be with them, not their phones.

Apparently it showed on my face, because one of the girls called me the next day to see if I was OK. I did not say anything; I know I should. I realize that they feel social media is important to keeping up with people, but there is a place and time.

GENTLE READER: One friend did call you when she saw that you were upset. Of course you should have told her -- instead of Miss Manners -- why. You should tell all of them.

It is not insulting to say, “Well, I really would like to be with you. Can we have a no-phones meal where we can talk without interruptions?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a gas station where there were two bathrooms, marked “Men” and “Women.” There was a single line of both men and women, presumably waiting for their gender-assigned bathroom.

While I waited, one father allowed his young daughter to use the men’s room. When the women’s bathroom opened up, I went to enter, as I was the next female in line. I was stopped by the man in line in front of me, stating that it was his turn. I pointed to the sign that said “Women,” but he ignored me and went in.

I did not make a scene and did not say anything, thinking it was perhaps an emergency on his end, but was I wrong to presume that it was my turn?

Do people nowadays ignore the gender signs on the door? Granted, I’m of an age where gender fluidity was not as prevalent as it is today. If they were gender-neutral bathrooms, why did the signs not state so?

What is the etiquette? The man made me feel like I was trying to butt in line, which I was not.

If this is the new social norm, please advise. I don’t want to be the elder lady who is not up on the times.

GENTLE READER: Regrettably, these gas station owners do not feel the same. Miss Manners has long believed that such single bathrooms should not be concerned with the private parts of their occupants, but rather with efficiency and ease of use for all.

Unfortunately, without signage to that effect, chaos is the result.

While the father’s reasoning was understandable, he broke the current social contract -- and the man in front of you took advantage of the precedent.

Not knowing that this was the new protocol, you can hardly be blamed for not following it. We can only hope that bathroom signage will continue to change to prevent more of this kind of needless confusion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his family just came to visit us. We spent our time between kids’ activities and time with my 93-year-old mother. The family was here for three days, then gone.

My cousin just found out that they were in town and that we didn’t call or visit my elderly aunt. I feel just awful that we didn’t think to make time for a visit with my aunt. How do I explain this without sounding cold and selfish?

GENTLE READER: Any excuse will sound unflattering. Probably the best you can do would be, “The family was rushing around and the three days got away from us. I am very sorry, because we all would have loved to see her. We will do a better job of planning next time they’re in town, I promise.” Miss Manners would further recommend that your son send a note and some recent family pictures, in case, for whatever reason, that day never actually materializes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently fly an airline that boards passengers in groups, numbered one through nine, and through two boarding lanes. The lanes are divided by plastic cones and ropes, even though the entrances to the lanes are not blocked. One boarding lane is for Groups 1 through 4, and the other lane is for Groups 5 through 9.

It would be most efficient for Group 1 and Group 5 to line up in their respective boarding lanes even before boarding starts, as those groups board first. Instead, by custom, all passengers wait in the gate area, which becomes crowded and chaotic.

Whenever I am in Group 1 or 5, would it be mannerly for me to go ahead and enter my group’s boarding lane, as long as nobody is blocking the entrance? Or may I suggest to other passengers in my group that we line up in our boarding lane? I don’t want to be a busybody, but surely this procedure would be less stressful for everyone than waiting in a chaotic crowd.

GENTLE READER: One would think. Miss Manners herself sees nothing wrong with attempting what you suggest, but warns you that it may be met with resistance, or worse. Those in charge of such things will likely caution you against it “for your own safety” -- in other words, protection from the passengers who did not think of it first.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I have been together for 20 years. During this time, his daughter, who lives out of state, will call and talk about herself for as many minutes as her father or I will listen. She never asks about our well-being or lives.

Additionally, there have been several times over the years where she has treated me very rudely (getting drunk while a houseguest; hanging up on me when I stated that I needed to get off the phone). However, there is never an apology, only a deflection.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of her selfish behavior and total lack of interest in me or her father’s life. It feels like self-abuse to continue to listen to her, always on her terms.

I don’t expect her to change, but I would greatly appreciate your ideas on how to protect myself, as I need to be able to interact with her for my partner’s sake.

GENTLE READER: After 20 years in your situation, one could reasonably be considered a de facto parent, especially when it comes to offering advice.

Miss Manners is guessing, however, that that is not the case here. She therefore recommends that you listen politely when no other choice is offered -- and otherwise practice repeating the phrase, “Let me go get your father.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the bridegroom’s parents responsible for?

GENTLE READER: The bridegroom. Specifically, that he shows up in the same or better condition than that in which the bride originally found him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)