DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should men be invited to a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Do they know the baby? Miss Manners is confused by the notion that the celebration of new life is considered a female activity, disregarding the essential involvement of the other half of the population.

But then, she also thinks that eating melted chocolate from a diaper hardly counts as entertainment. Therefore, she is happy to spare anyone, for whatever reason, from such a fate, if that is what is ... ahem ... on the menu.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family, a step-family, and a birth family, and everyone has been invited to my wedding. There is a group of relatives who aren’t on speaking terms, and both sides of the argument (which does not involve me, and which I try to stay 100% out of) have asked me not to seat them near each other. To which I replied that I prefer a relaxed environment, and that there will not be assigned seating.

The biggest problem is the rehearsal dinner. I was just informed by my fiance’s mother that she decided to host one (it was up in the air for a bit), and that she is inviting her out-of-town relatives (mostly my fiance’s aunts and uncles) and her friends. Now I need to decide who I will invite, and I’m not sure what etiquette dictates.

My fiance’s mother has stated that she wants it to be a smaller affair. If I invited the out-of-town family, I would be inviting about half the people coming to the wedding. Even just sticking to siblings, aunts and uncles, I would have about triple the people she’s inviting.

In addition, I’m worried about the feuding family members. I don’t feel like I can invite one group without the other, but with less activity to distract them, I’m worried about a big fight the day before my big day. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Let us go back. First, Miss Manners must take issue with the notion that not assigning tables will produce a relaxed environment. Warring relatives, evilly eyeing one another as they purposefully march to opposite corners of the dining room, does not promote tranquility. There are musicals based on this kind of territorial battle -- and while similarly entertaining, they generally do not end well.

Miss Manners therefore encourages you to reconsider assigning seats. Everyone will be happier to be told what to do, rather than forced to openly display their contempt.

As for your main question, a similar principle is involved. Make rules -- and blame others for upholding theirs. If your fiance’s mother is hosting, then it is hard to quibble with her restrictions on the number of people invited. In your case, more people seem to cause more problems, anyway.

Why not invite your wedding party only? It is, after all, a rehearsal intended for them. Then focus on creating seating assignments for the reception that facilitate your ability to greet every group of relatives separately and equally -- without the fuss of having to play a very un-relaxing game of interference.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While in line to check out at a grocery store, I fumbled my coffee and it ended up on the floor. The cashier called for cleanup and went on with scanning our items.

A few moments later, I glanced up to see a man standing behind me with a mop. I stepped aside as best as I could, but he just stood there, spinning the mop and staring at me. I eventually paid and left.

Should I have offered to take the mop or something? I felt as if that’s what he was waiting for, but I’ve never been offered a mop by an employee before, so I was (and still am) confused by what was expected of me.

GENTLE READER: Here is how, in Miss Manners’ experience, the situation you described might play out:

Clumsy Customer: “Oh dear! I am so sorry, please let me clean that up.”

Person with Mop: “No, that’s OK. I’ll get it.”

Clumsy Customer: “Thank you so much. That’s very kind of you. I really am very sorry.”

Person with Mop: “Of course, ma’am. It happens. Happy to help.”

Miss Manners realizes that you may not have had the chance to offer, and you encountered an unusually surly mopper. But it also sounds as though it was never your intention. That may be what the Person with the Mop was responding to, however rudely it may have been expressed.

Next time, Miss Manners suggests you stick to your part of the script -- and be prepared to graciously improvise if the Person with the Mop does not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I are frequently included in group messages. Sometimes these groups include 35 to 70 people. While I have made it known that I don’t wish to be a part of mass texts, this continues to happen.

Is it rude to add people to these groups without consent? One time after I left a group, the person asked why I did so. I explained that I prefer not to receive that volume of messages, especially when they are sending my spouse and me the same ones.

GENTLE READER: This is one of the many reasons why Miss Manners prefers written correspondence. The mail system slows down its volume.

Group messages may feel efficient when it comes to making dinner plans or commenting on the latest celebrity mishap, but when too many people are contributing suggestions and hilarious remarks, it clogs up the message system and instead inspires contempt.

Miss Manners suggests that you politely and good-naturedly ask to be removed from the group messaging as it occurs: “245 texts? Please make this stop! Of course I’m interested in what you think, but Tyler is also on this thread and will let me know, I’m sure, when a final verdict is made. In the meantime, I would truly appreciate being able to keep my job.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it permissible to create a font in your handwriting to address wedding invitations and write thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. But Miss Manners assures you that the effort will not result in fooling anyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a quadriplegic. He is paralyzed from the neck down. When dining, I am feeding both him and myself. This means that I cannot reach his water glass in the upper-right corner of his place setting, so I set it near mine. And he needs to drink through a straw. It’s difficult to balance food on the fork while feeding him, so sometimes, depending on the meal, I will use a spoon so as to avoid spilling. I also put a napkin on his lap, as well as one on his chest.

As much as we would like to maintain etiquette, our situation is far from ideal. Considering the circumstances, are our current habits acceptable? And are there any other suggestions you can offer so that our unique situation is as appropriate as possible?

GENTLE READER: Your phasing (“As much as we would like to maintain etiquette”) reflects a misapprehension that moving your husband’s water glass, under the circumstances you describe, is a violation of etiquette. It is emphatically not, a point on which Miss Manners feels strongly and hopes will comfort you.

Since at least the delivery of the Ten Commandments, there has been a common -- and mistaken -- belief that law, and by extension etiquette, is no more than a list of “shalts” and “shalt nots” that can be followed robotically to a heavenly reward. As both biblical scholars and lawyers can tell you, this is not true of the law, and it is certainly not true of etiquette. (Miss Manners now finds herself, irrelevantly and irreverently, wondering if, having completed lunch together, a biblical scholar and a lawyer would be able to share a cab to their final destination.) Reasonable accommodation for your husband’s condition -- giving due regard to both him and the other guests -- is not only the right thing to do; it is also the mannerly thing to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member has started declining invitations by saying “No, thank you.” Sometimes a reason is given -- “We’ll be out of town,” “We’re busy that week,” etc. -- but then the response continues by saying, “We’re going to pass.”

I have a negative reaction to the phrase that the recipient is “passing” on the invitation, but cannot articulate why. Is that an acceptable way to respond to an invitation?

GENTLE READER: Your objection to “passing” on an invitation is its informality, which implies that turning down your invitation was, to use another colloquial expression, “no big deal.” It is. With very few exceptions, one can decline an invitation, but one should never denigrate it.

However, Miss Manners finds it interesting that this was not your family member’s first response, but his third, after “No, thank you” and “We’ll be (washing our hair).” She hopes that the multiple rejections, with their increasing air of desperation, were not necessitated by your own refusal to take a proper “No, thank you; I’m sorry, I can’t” for an answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)