DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently I am unclear about funereal etiquette and the acceptable behavior around a deathbed.

I was present as my mom passed away. She was 98 and died in her home in bed.

I observed a custom I was unfamiliar with. As a family member walked in, there was a look, a hand motion and a sentence that made clear that their related expenses should be covered by the dying woman or her estate.

I’m sure similar conversations were had while I was not present. This happened before my mom was actually dead; she lay dying in the next room. Other similar conversations followed her passing.

My friends were unhelpful in clarifying the matter. All I got from them was a jaw-dropping, incredulous look, and a “Huh?? ... They did what??? Oh dear Lord, I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

The trust company thought that typical estate procedures would prevent a payout. Apparently, spending a few hundred dollars on attorney fees can get someone a few dollars that were going to come their way anyway.

It has been a month, and I have remained silent, at first because I was speechless, and now under the premise of “least said, soonest mended.”

GENTLE READER: Because it is difficult to convey speechlessness in print, Miss Manners can only echo your friends’ reactions -- except that, unfortunately, she has heard of similar things.

Greed is not a custom; it is a vice. Its only relationship to etiquette is to violate its principles and forms. Your only response to such demands should be to continue to be speechless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In planning my wedding, my mom said that people do not have open bars at weddings, and that it was foolish to think about having one. Are they obsolete?

GENTLE READER: No, but neither are they obligatory. Miss Manners only insists that whatever your guests are given to drink -- tea? punch? champagne? liquor? -- they not be charged.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you will, please tell me the correct way to eat cooked shrimp. I have always eaten them while holding onto the tail, then disposing of the tail. Is this OK?

GENTLE READER: There is such a thing as a seafood fork. In the absence of one, Miss Manners agrees that you have no choice but to grab the situation by the tail (which should have been shelled in the kitchen, but rarely is).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two nieces and a nephew who are each getting married within a short period of time. The first two had modest local weddings. The third is having a much more glamorous destination wedding.

I want to keep all things equal and not play favorites, but should I give him more in a gift because his wedding is costing him more?

GENTLE READER: If you believe that wedding guests are obliged to reflect the bridal couple’s finances, surely it would be kinder to give more to those who could afford only the more modest wedding.

But Miss Manners allows no such consideration, one way or the other. A wedding present should be something you think will please the couple and that you can afford.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: Quick: What is your immediate association with the word “inappropriate”?

Criminal sexual activity, right?

And before that, it was being used as a euphemism for “wrong” and “rude.” Toddlers were told that it was inappropriate to go around hitting their playmates.

But Miss Manners hates to give up using the word entirely, because there are actions that may not be bad in themselves, but are so in the wrong context.

Hugging, for example.

Sure, go ahead and hug your partner -- and your children, if they have not asked you to pe—leeze stop doing that in public. And hug anyone else with whom you are on mutually intimate terms. But stop thinking that you are conferring a blessing on anyone else and exhibiting your own warm feelings about your fellow creatures by thrusting yourself on others.

Clearly some of this activity is illegal harassment. But there has been so much pop-psych nonsense going around for decades about the humanitarian benefits of putting everyone in everyone else’s arms that Miss Manners is half-willing to believe that there are some people who just don’t get it.

This is because they cast the gesture in terms of the target’s presumed feelings. Their intention, they assure themselves and others when objections are raised, was not to gratify themselves, as would a sexual move, but to make those who are hugged feel comfortable, accepted, relaxed, included, validated -- not violated.

Says who?

Says the male, putting himself in charge of dictating female feelings.

But one person’s idea of being a tactile humanitarian is another person’s idea of what constitutes a creep.

Throughout the touchy-feely era, which started decades ago, Miss Manners has tried to expose the premise as a hoax. If a hug is welcome, as a sign of affection, empathy or solidarity, it is because it is the physical expression of a genuine emotion. Believing that it represents that, when coming from a stranger, an acquaintance or anyone not previously close, surely requires a stretch.

How is it possible to detach the gesture from one’s feelings about the person who is making it? And if touching is so important, shouldn’t the person being touched have some say in whether to allow it? Shouldn’t the hugger be trying to fathom the possible reaction, instead of congratulating himself on bestowing a treat?

If that all sounds too difficult for a supposedly spontaneous gesture, the solution is to ban promiscuous hugs, and save the hugging for those who have shown it would be welcome. There are plenty of other ways to show disinterested warmth -- through words, facial expressions and good deeds. Anything more is inappropriate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who gets irrationally mad when you respond to a text invite with “pass” -- whether it’s just the word “pass,” or “I’ll take a pass on that,” or “No, I’ll pass” or any variation of declining the invite that includes the word “pass.”

Is this a proper (polite) phrase to use to decline based on the informal method of the invitation? It’s also usually a group invitation, not a personal one-on-one invite.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is rational. “I’ll pass” is a proper expression when you have a bad bridge hand, but insulting when you have received an invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a relative by marriage who seems to feel that her family is superior to ours, which is her prerogative.

However, over the years we have discerned that she seems to lack a filter in expressing arrogant and insulting opinions and thoughts. Whatever enters her stream of consciousness seems to come out of her mouth.

I can generally ignore this, except when she insults members of my immediate family such as my mother or brother. I say nothing, but then deeply regret not defending them afterwards. At our last family luncheon, she made a comment about me, TO me, that was so offensive it was actually quite amusing. She was not perceptive enough to grasp this. (This woman has a master’s degree, so she does not lack intelligence.)

Should I continue to ignore her slights, or should I gently respond, without reflecting anger or annoyance? I’ve read that confronting bullies can encourage them to back away.

GENTLE READER: So does laughing at them, although Miss Manners recognizes that this can backfire. If it happens again, you could follow up by saying, “Oh, I am so sorry. You were serious. I have never been addressed that way before and did not know how to respond.”

If she is insulting your family members, however, you are well within your rights to defend them. “I am afraid that we do not speak to each other that way in this family,” said in a calm and friendly tone, should accomplish the desired effect -- while also reinforcing that she is not, in fact, an original member of your family and had better mend ways if she would like to act like one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we celebrated our daughter’s becoming bat mitzvah seven months ago, she received many checks as gifts. Most of them were given at the celebratory brunch; however, some arrived in the mail in the days before and after the event.

The envelopes with the checks were kept together until thank-you notes were written, or so I thought. Soon after the event, my daughter left for summer camp.

A few days ago, she was looking through a box that contained some jewelry she received as gifts. She discovered three checks still in envelopes she apparently had not opened!

Do we contact the people, tell them what happened, and ask if we can deposit the checks? My gut tells me that after this much time, we should be happy they attended the affair and not cash the checks.

GENTLE READER: Which will leave your guests wondering what happened -- and having trouble balancing their checking accounts.

Have your daughter send the thank-you letters now, apologizing profusely for their tardiness and stating that you hope it would still be all right, and that it is not too late, to deposit them. Miss Manners assures you that your guests would rather know that the checks were accounted for -- no matter how late -- than forever wonder if they fell into the wrong hands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)