DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we moved across the country, we invited a couple we knew on the West Coast to visit us as guests in our new East Coast home. They accepted our invitation then, but later asked if they could bring along their friend “Lucy” as well.

Lucy, who was selfless during their child’s illness, is very close to them, although we’ve never met her. I was preparing to reply with, ”Although we look forward to meeting Lucy, we are not able to accommodate three houseguests at this time.”

But before I could reply, the invited couple emailed their understanding that perhaps three houseguests would overwhelm us and offered to book a hotel for all three.

Our intention was to spend personal time with our old friends, and including Lucy seems like an intrusion. Even if they stay at a hotel, we would be obligated to invite Lucy along to all of our dinners and planned outings. And ferrying three guests back and forth from their hotel doesn’t diminish, but rather adds to, our hosting efforts. Asking them not to visit with their close friend, at this point, seems selfish and insensitive. Should we simply accept Lucy as the cost of seeing our dear friends? How could we have avoided this misunderstanding?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, since your friend rescinded the request for all of you to stay together, she has not committed an actual crime of etiquette. Just one of divided loyalties.

Miss Manners is afraid that if you want to see your original friends, you are stuck with Lucy. Your only recourse is to show polite remorse for this situation by saying, “We were so looking forward to catching up with you, but of course we understand. Please let us know if it will be too much to see us and also entertain Lucy.”

This has the added benefit of alerting them that you no longer expect to clear your schedule and be on call. And if it does not work, you can always try forming a fast friendship with Lucy. She has been advertised as selfless, after all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my workplace, I am frequently asked questions about my appearance, beauty treatments, weight loss or gain, whether my clothes are new or not, and how much I paid for something. I am tiring of this.

Unfortunately, my boundaries have not been good in the past, but I have to change this. How should I respond in a graceful manner to such nosy questions?

GENTLE READER: “So kind of you to ask about the price of my shoulder implants, but I don’t wish to distract you from your work. We should probably stick to discussing business in the workplace.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the ex-wife attend her former father-in-law’s private funeral service if her ex-husband has expressly asked her not to attend?

GENTLE READER: Why would she want to? Never mind. If she was asked not to attend, she should acquiesce, rather than make a public spectacle in front of a family that is no longer her own.

A condolence letter to the widow or otherwise closest relative (but not the son!) can be sent if the intent is truly to express sympathy. But not, Miss Manners warns, to take the opportunity to air one’s own personal grievances.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years and I have seen less of each other of late, ever since I moved 75 miles away. We have managed, until recently, to retain our close ties by driving to each other’s homes for a day or two.

However, there was a recent kerfuffle, which arose when friends drove her to my town to celebrate her birthday (which also happens to be mine, no matter). I had asked her if she could possibly have them stop at my home just long enough for me to hand her a birthday present, which she thought would be fine. (The road for their way out of town is literally 1 1/2 blocks from my house.)

However, she called to say the gal who drove said “no” to my request. It put a serious wedge between us for a few weeks, but things settled down eventually. I just invited her up per our regular visits, but, apparently in response to the previous goings-on, she said she would “pencil me in” so I shouldn’t count on it.

What should my response have been? (The old story of Susie Q accepting Joe’s invitation to the dance, but dumping him when the football star asks her, comes to mind.) Do I mention a deadline by which I need to know? Or do I cancel the invitation, with the expectation of rescheduling it some other time when she can commit with no caveats (short of someone’s trip to the emergency room)?

GENTLE READER: There are only two proper answers to an invitation, and “Sure, if I don’t get a better offer” is not one of them.

In the situation you describe, asking for a decision -- or offering an alternate date -- are both defensible responses. But why, Miss Manners wonders, has it come to this? Your friend -- and perhaps you, as well -- appears to be using manners to disguise, badly, your unhappiness with the resolution of the previous trip. This is not only confusing, it is ineffective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my younger sisters is getting married. Despite many offers of financial help from various sources, she seems determined to economize in uneven and unfortunate ways.

Most importantly (to me), she has decided to request a “cake bar” from her friends. This is apparently asking friends to bring all kinds of cake to serve at the reception instead of providing wedding cake to serve.

My husband and I think this is incredibly tacky, cheap and even unappetizing, depending on the talent of the various friends. Is there any way you might assist me in persuading her to have a proper cake without her friends’ charity being the source?

GENTLE READER: How are your own baking skills? Even someone as close as a sister has a limited ability to affect such choices. You can offer to provide the cake yourself -- either from your oven or your pocketbook -- but unless your sister accepts, Miss Manners can provide no other ways for you to have your cake and eat it too.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a business magazine where we also research and sell data reports on the subjects we cover. As you can imagine, if you follow the general direction of journalism these days, this is actually where we make a lot of our income.

The data is legitimate, informative and useful to a lot of people in our field. Yet sometimes, when people are referred to us as a good source of information, they act surprised and even indignant that we charge for our reports. A few have asked me outright, “Couldn’t you just send it to me?”

Do they realize they’ve just asked to have our product for free? Would they walk into a clothing or electronics store and say, “Hi there, I’d rather not pay for this, so how about if I just take it?” This seems so obvious, and their presumption so rude, that I don’t even know what to say without turning off a potential customer.

Incidentally, most do end up buying the data, which just goes to show that even the people who want freebies agree it has value. Is there some way to drive this point home without being rude?

GENTLE READER: There is, but it will involve first recognizing that your potential customer may not be rude, but legitimately confused. Even major news outlets have, until recently, made some or all of their content available at no cost to the user; broadcast television has done so since its inception; and every doctor grits his teeth before the medical questions he knows Uncle George will pester him with at Christmas dinner.

No one would dispute your point -- that businesses need to make money to survive -- and you surely would not dispute that it is nicer to receive something for free than to pay. Miss Manners recommends responding with a disarming apology, followed by an explanation that even you are sometimes confused at how your business has been evolving. And since your would-be client has asked you a business question, you may -- within reason -- consider this an invitation to enter into a description of the merits of the product and the reasonableness of the price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was ill, my neighbor invited me and my boys over. I was in bed and told my son to decline. An hour later, my neighbor sent over their 4-year-old child to ask.

I got out of bed and had to explain to this innocent child the reason I declined. This baby stood there looking at me in disbelief and it broke my heart. I simply explained again and kindly told her “bye.” I was wondering if what my neighbor did was inconsiderate, or if I am just being too sensitive. In the future, how should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Illness is a legitimate reason to decline an invitation. Your neighbor may even be aware of this: Without naming names, Miss Manners points out that young children in general are not always the most reliable messengers.

Your 4-year-old neighbor has learned an important lesson; if you feel bad for having been the one to teach it to her, you may console yourself with the realization that it may soon occur to her that the same excuse can be applied to school attendance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)