DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years and I have seen less of each other of late, ever since I moved 75 miles away. We have managed, until recently, to retain our close ties by driving to each other’s homes for a day or two.

However, there was a recent kerfuffle, which arose when friends drove her to my town to celebrate her birthday (which also happens to be mine, no matter). I had asked her if she could possibly have them stop at my home just long enough for me to hand her a birthday present, which she thought would be fine. (The road for their way out of town is literally 1 1/2 blocks from my house.)

However, she called to say the gal who drove said “no” to my request. It put a serious wedge between us for a few weeks, but things settled down eventually. I just invited her up per our regular visits, but, apparently in response to the previous goings-on, she said she would “pencil me in” so I shouldn’t count on it.

What should my response have been? (The old story of Susie Q accepting Joe’s invitation to the dance, but dumping him when the football star asks her, comes to mind.) Do I mention a deadline by which I need to know? Or do I cancel the invitation, with the expectation of rescheduling it some other time when she can commit with no caveats (short of someone’s trip to the emergency room)?

GENTLE READER: There are only two proper answers to an invitation, and “Sure, if I don’t get a better offer” is not one of them.

In the situation you describe, asking for a decision -- or offering an alternate date -- are both defensible responses. But why, Miss Manners wonders, has it come to this? Your friend -- and perhaps you, as well -- appears to be using manners to disguise, badly, your unhappiness with the resolution of the previous trip. This is not only confusing, it is ineffective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my younger sisters is getting married. Despite many offers of financial help from various sources, she seems determined to economize in uneven and unfortunate ways.

Most importantly (to me), she has decided to request a “cake bar” from her friends. This is apparently asking friends to bring all kinds of cake to serve at the reception instead of providing wedding cake to serve.

My husband and I think this is incredibly tacky, cheap and even unappetizing, depending on the talent of the various friends. Is there any way you might assist me in persuading her to have a proper cake without her friends’ charity being the source?

GENTLE READER: How are your own baking skills? Even someone as close as a sister has a limited ability to affect such choices. You can offer to provide the cake yourself -- either from your oven or your pocketbook -- but unless your sister accepts, Miss Manners can provide no other ways for you to have your cake and eat it too.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a business magazine where we also research and sell data reports on the subjects we cover. As you can imagine, if you follow the general direction of journalism these days, this is actually where we make a lot of our income.

The data is legitimate, informative and useful to a lot of people in our field. Yet sometimes, when people are referred to us as a good source of information, they act surprised and even indignant that we charge for our reports. A few have asked me outright, “Couldn’t you just send it to me?”

Do they realize they’ve just asked to have our product for free? Would they walk into a clothing or electronics store and say, “Hi there, I’d rather not pay for this, so how about if I just take it?” This seems so obvious, and their presumption so rude, that I don’t even know what to say without turning off a potential customer.

Incidentally, most do end up buying the data, which just goes to show that even the people who want freebies agree it has value. Is there some way to drive this point home without being rude?

GENTLE READER: There is, but it will involve first recognizing that your potential customer may not be rude, but legitimately confused. Even major news outlets have, until recently, made some or all of their content available at no cost to the user; broadcast television has done so since its inception; and every doctor grits his teeth before the medical questions he knows Uncle George will pester him with at Christmas dinner.

No one would dispute your point -- that businesses need to make money to survive -- and you surely would not dispute that it is nicer to receive something for free than to pay. Miss Manners recommends responding with a disarming apology, followed by an explanation that even you are sometimes confused at how your business has been evolving. And since your would-be client has asked you a business question, you may -- within reason -- consider this an invitation to enter into a description of the merits of the product and the reasonableness of the price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was ill, my neighbor invited me and my boys over. I was in bed and told my son to decline. An hour later, my neighbor sent over their 4-year-old child to ask.

I got out of bed and had to explain to this innocent child the reason I declined. This baby stood there looking at me in disbelief and it broke my heart. I simply explained again and kindly told her “bye.” I was wondering if what my neighbor did was inconsiderate, or if I am just being too sensitive. In the future, how should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Illness is a legitimate reason to decline an invitation. Your neighbor may even be aware of this: Without naming names, Miss Manners points out that young children in general are not always the most reliable messengers.

Your 4-year-old neighbor has learned an important lesson; if you feel bad for having been the one to teach it to her, you may console yourself with the realization that it may soon occur to her that the same excuse can be applied to school attendance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally I have to attend professional meetings or social activities where alcohol is served. I don’t drink due to religious considerations. I just get tea, coffee or soda.

I wouldn’t think this would be an issue, but every time, some person comes up and questions my lack of an alcoholic drink. I say it is against my religion and figure they will move on, but invariably, they say, “So you are a lapsed Catholic?” or something similar.

When I say I have never been Catholic, but instead follow a mainline Protestant religion, they still don’t back off. Instead, they challenge me like I am lying, and argue with me about my last name or my Catholic relatives. These exchanges always end with them stomping off in a huff.

Additionally, I have had two different employers ask me why I “upset” people at events. When I pointed out I was accused of lying about my religion, my employers made some sort of lame excuse, said I was the injured party, and the conversation ended. Since it was affecting my employment, I just stopped going.

Am I missing something here? Are people just much more boorish than in the past? I can’t imagine challenging people’s declared religion. And why would you care anyway what someone is consuming, or what their religion is?

GENTLE READER: Why, indeed? And why did you bring religion into the exchange?

Miss Manners sympathizes with your being pestered; she is well aware that the sight of a partygoer who is not holding a drink drives other guests to open belligerent interrogations. But that is all the more reason not to supply them with material of any kind.

The simplest defense is to ask for or hold another drink -- water or whatever -- but you are already doing that. The answer to why you are not drinking alcohol is “Because I wanted tea.” If that doesn’t end it, you could ask, “And what do you like to drink?” -- which should establish what a pathetic conversational topic that is. Or “Excuse me, I think I’ll go freshen my soda.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you find you must exit from a theater seat during a performance, do you face those seated on your row, or face forward? I’ve never heard which is proper. I realize it must be for a good reason, and that you must excuse yourself to those you are moving by.

GENTLE READER: It is actually a two-step maneuver, although not a two-faced one. You approach those who are seated to excuse yourself, with a whisper and an anguished look to serve as an excuse for leaving during the performance, however dreadful it may be. But you then turn away to pass in front of them.

Yes, Miss Manners knows the prohibition against turning your back on people. This is an exception. Theatergoers do not want to maintain your gaze while you are blocking the stage, even if it is before the performance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)