DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently bring up or remind somebody, like a relative or significant other, that gifts they give to you that are really gifts for your pets aren't really gifts for you?

If it was pet food or litter, or something you would normally spend your own money on, that's one thing, because it saves you a future expense. But when it's something your pet doesn't need that you wouldn't get them anyway, it just feels like a disappointing gift to receive, because you thought they would put a modicum of thought into giving you something you would enjoy, but instead gave you something your pet would enjoy.

I feel like it almost can't be brought up without being rude. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your definition of a good gift -- something that displays both knowledge of the recipient and a thought for her enjoyment -- agrees with Miss Manners' own. Where we apparently disagree is not on whether a gift to a third party counts -- it does not -- but on what constitutes a third party.

As a general rule, you are correct: Your friend cannot buy a gift for someone else, and, simply by naming you as the recipient, transfer the obligation to yourself. Pleasant as it may be to you when your daughter receives a thoughtful wedding gift from your friend, it is your daughter who will have to write the thank-you note, because she is in possession of the goods. For the same reason, people who try to pass off charitable donations as gifts should not expect gratitude -- at least not from the empty-handed bride.

But cats, like babies, are not considered wholly independent actors. For this reason, they are exempted from writing thank-you notes. Also because they cannot spell.

Although she agrees that such presents should be the exception, rather than the norm, Miss Manners would let pass the one you describe, assuming that your friend knew how close you are to your cat -- and therefore was reasonable in presuming that the attention would be welcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for attendance at a wake or funeral for someone you do not like, or had a "falling out with" years ago with no chance of recovering the friendship?

I have faced this twice: Once was an ex-boss, the other, an ex-friend. I feel that it looked bad or was deemed unprofessional that I did not attend a four-hour celebration of life that co-workers attended. In the other case, I believed my attendance was hypocritical for both the dead and their family. These instances happened years ago, yet I carry the question.

GENTLE READER: Funerals are not the time to re-litigate past differences, and not only because it would be a one-sided debate: Expressions of satisfaction, even ones you believe to be muted, tend to be ill-received by those who are there to mourn.

Trusting that you can maintain a properly respectful tone, Miss Manners excuses you from attending the funeral only if your disagreement was strong enough that it precluded a civil meeting while you were both alive. In any other case, normal rules should apply, namely that one attends the funeral of those with whom one had a relationship, professional or otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a modern technology dilemma. My mother FaceTimed me the other day to see my daughter eating (she's 5 months old). My boyfriend was sitting next to me on the couch, barely in view of the camera.

Neither my mother nor he acknowledged the other. Whose responsibility was it to say "hi" first? My mother was upset that he didn't say anything, but she also didn't say anything.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has such a rich history that when a new question arises, Miss Manners fishes into the past for precedent.

Here the crucial point is whether the situation you describe is basically a visit, although a virtual one, or instead a telephone call, but a visual one. If your mother were visiting your house, anyone obviously present would be required to greet her. If she is telephoning you, others present should not chime in unless specifically invited.

Miss Manners would consider it sensible to go with the telephone analogy, as your mother intended to visit you and your daughter. But this would require the gentleman to keep out of sight, and "barely in view" sounds as if he ought to move over.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it improper etiquette to show the flesh gum line above the teeth while smiling? Seeing someone smiling like that gives me a kind of disgusting feeling. Not about the person, but it's my perception when I see the gum while smiling.

GENTLE READER: Too bad. Innate physical characteristics are not properly subject to censure by others. Miss Manners does not want to hear what you think of seeing bodies on the beach that are not up to your standard of beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a friend's wedding with my grown children. The invitation reads "... celebrate our marriage" and then states the date and time, which is a morning wedding, followed by "no public reception."

Does this mean we need to bring a gift? And do you think this means we are only to attend the church service, since they are getting married in a local church? Would love your take on this.

GENTLE READER: Contrary to popular -- and crass -- belief, wedding presents are not payments for the consumption of champagne, wedding cake and such. They should be given voluntarily by those who wish the couple well, whether or not they attend the wedding.

But Miss Manners admits that her affection would be dampened by the peculiar notation on the invitation. Are they having a private reception to which you are not invited? Are they just trying to keep out the paparazzi?

Wedding receptions are not obligatory, but negative invitations are rude. Your friend need only have omitted any reference to having one -- and asked you to attend, rather than "to celebrate."

But in that case, they must have a receiving line before leaving the church, so that they can greet every one of their invited guests -- before they go off to celebrate with the people they really care about.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the right thing to say when an old acquaintance who used to be romantically interested in you tries to reconnect? I wasn't interested then (which I said back then), and I'm not interested now.

In this case, it's an acquaintance from over a decade ago. Only God knows how he tracked me down, since I no longer have the same last name, nor do we have any mutual acquaintances.

I did decline his social media request and blocked him. He has no professional reason to connect with me, though he did try to manufacture a lame one. I felt the motivation was suspect. I don't think it's appropriate to keep in touch with men who used to be interested in me. Especially since I'm married now.

That being said, what is the polite but firm wording for dealing with people like this, should I ever need to do more than click a decline/block button?

GENTLE READER: It's a strange world, where people explicitly propose themselves as friends, and modern love stories often feature the resumption of high school crushes by people who feel they have been battered by life.

Nipping such hopes politely is not easy. There is no graceful way to say, "I don't want to be in touch with you." If you offer lame excuses, you are bound to be caught, and if you are frank, you are hurtful.

Ghosting is much derided (and practiced), but in this case you would not be ending a relationship, only declining to re-establish a tenuous one. Ignoring the request allows your admirer the face-saving supposition that you were simply careless, and while clicking to decline is definitive, it is still less harsh than telling him outright to go away.

Miss Manners gathers that you feel he might persist to the point where you have to make that clear. In that case, you should re-classify his overtures as stalking and take appropriate measures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me how to eat cooked peas? Specific instructions, please.

GENTLE READER: Chase them around the plate with your fork. You will not catch all of them, but learning to accept that should make your life easier in other respects.

Oh, all right. You can run them into other foods on your plate to which they might stick, such as mashed potatoes.

Just so you don't bring up, or follow, the old ditty ("I eat my peas with honey/ I've done it all my life/ It makes the peas taste funny/ But it keeps them on the knife"), which is wrong, and which Miss Manners is tired of hearing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the mother of the family dies, who becomes her successor? Would it be her daughter or her daughter-in-law?

GENTLE READER: The one who is willing to take on the responsibility of maintaining harmony among all members of the family, and who is willing to cede precedence gracefully if the father ever marries again.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)