DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine made some poor choices at work and was forced to resign from her company. I learned about this because it made national news.

I want my friend to know I still love her and am there to support her, but I don't know what to say. I have thought of writing her a letter of encouragement, but am at a loss for words. What do you say to someone you care about who has done something terrible?

GENTLE READER: Too many wives of power-abusing men are asking themselves this very question right now. The scope of the crime is paramount here -- and decisions about morality versus loyalty must be made.

There is, for example, a difference between a financial transgression and a human violation -- even if this distinction is only in the eyes of the friendship and not the law. "I was sorry to hear your news. I hope that you and your family are well" covers most categories. But Miss Manners suggests you resist adding, "Let us know if there is anything we can do" -- lest you find yourself suddenly subpoenaed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a couple months. Even though I tried to be prepared, and have received a lot of help, I am feeling very stressed trying to organize everything.

My best friend is getting married two weeks after I am, and I will be her matron of honor. We have been friends since we were babies, and are actively organizing events for each other and assisting with each other's planning, but it is a lot of stress!

I have another friend getting married in a year who is a bridesmaid in my wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor, and I said yes, but that I wouldn't be able to do anything until after my wedding and my friend's wedding.

Since I said this, I'm getting daily text messages about her wedding planning, emails from her mother about planning her bridal shower, and getting angry text messages if I don't respond immediately. She has threatened to remove me as matron of honor three times, but each time quickly changed her tune when I said that it is her choice and that I would understand. 

My stress level is very high, and I've long lost my patience with the daily messages about flower colors. I would like to remove myself from this wedding. Is there an appropriate way to do this? How could it affect her role in my wedding? 

GENTLE READER: It sounds to Miss Manners as if her withdrawal from your wedding might not be the worst thing to happen.

"No one understands as I do how important the difference is between avocado and chartreuse, and how much effort it takes to plan a wedding. As I mentioned, I am afraid that I am just incapable of making any important decisions right now until after my own and Tyra's weddings. So I absolutely understand if you find yourself too busy to partake in mine. We brides have to stick together."

With any luck, she will be so confused by this sentiment that she will slink off into her subtly hued wedding world without you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is a master at giving backhanded compliments. While I have been dealing with it for decades now, I still find myself having the perfect response at around 3 a.m. the next day and being irritated with myself that it still bothers me. It seems to be something she is unaware of or thinks is harmless.

I've tried a blank look in response, as well as my most blithe smile or a puzzled expression with the question, "What makes you say that?" What is most irritating when she (or anyone) does this is that the statements usually have a grain of truth but gross inaccuracies.

I do not wish to reward people with a response when they deliver a veiled insult, nor do I want to encourage further discussion by asking for clarification of what's been said. But I would ask you if there's a polite way to shut down a person when they seem to think it's OK to speak this way?

GENTLE READER: Not having specific examples to work with, Miss Manners has invented her own to clarify the different degrees of insult, which require different answers. Without asserting that backhanded compliments are distinct from veiled insults, the choice of one term over the other implies to Miss Manners a level of escalation.

"You look so good without your glasses," may imply that you look terrible with them on, but leaves too much doubt to justify retaliation. The compliment could be genuine, albeit awkward. "At least these glasses are an improvement on the old ones," makes the insult plain. A "thank you" delivered in such a chilly tone as to contradict the literal words, perhaps followed by moving to another part of the room, is fully justified.

Note that Miss Manners almost never allows the 3 a.m. response. It is invariably nastier and less witty than it sounds in the pre-dawn hours, and it rewards the offender by demonstrating anger, when understated contempt would be more effective in dissuading future repetition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any legal or common sense limitation on the number of giant plastic toys that a 1-, 2- or 3-year-old child should have? We have an infant in this category, with enough such toys to fill at least one nursery school.

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone to give cash or savings bonds for the future, when the child is old enough to buy things that he likes? Someday, the family will have to give away or sell the old toys to make room for the giant playthings of the future, possibly multiple times.

GENTLE READER: Now that the fever of the gift-giving holidays is a distant memory, Miss Manners would welcome a discussion among the "haves" of, "How much is enough?"

There will, however, have to be some ground rules. The first is not threatening generously intentioned relatives with legal action. The second is thinking about those who do not have mountains of toys. Civility is not inclined to abet children who throw a tantrum because they received the wrong present -- even if they are old enough to have children themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm throwing a combined birthday party for my sons, whose birthdays are three days apart. We are planning to invite family with children both boys' ages, as well as my older son's preschool classmates.

I mentioned to my mom that the invitation would say it was a party for both boys. ("Come to celebrate birthday fun galore! Liam is turning 2, and Logan is turning 4!")

To my surprise, she said the invitations to the preschool classmates should only have my 4-year-old's name on them, lest his friends' parents feel obligated to bring a gift for my 2-year-old as well. I think the invitation should say that the party is for both boys, and the parents can decide if they'd like to bring a gift for one, both or neither. (Gifts are certainly not obligatory.) What says Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Your mother is right that something must be done, but not exactly what she thinks. Not telling some parents about your younger son will only result in embarrassment when they arrive with one gift.

Include a note to your 4-year-old's friends' parents, explaining that there will be other children there to celebrate his brother's birthday, as the birthdays are so close in date. This follows Miss Manners' dictate against mentioning presents in the invitation, but warns the parents what is coming. Should anyone ask, you may then clarify that they really are being invited to the party for Logan OR Liam. Parents of 4-year-olds should have had recent practice at adding two plus two.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a wedding reception where there was open seating at tables of eight. The group that we normally sit with at other outings were all invited.

When it was time to sit, we were told that the extra chairs were being held for somebody else that we knew but don't always see on a regular basis. One of the ladies said we should sit behind them at another table.

I am a little hurt over this. We spend a great deal of time with these couples, so how should I respond to them in the future?

GENTLE READER: It is with some trepidation that Miss Manners reaches for the next letter from a Gentle Reader, as she anticipates it will be from a wedding guest who feels slighted by being excluded at such events by groups of old friends who prefer to travel in packs.

There is no objection to the eight of you sitting together at an open table if you so desire, but mingling with other guests on occasion does not seem to her to be a casus belli. When it does happen, the proper response is not to sit behind your six friends -- while presumably then ignoring the guests at your own table -- but to have a good time with the new people you meet. This will be both more fun and, if it turns out you were being intentionally slighted, a more effective response.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)