DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother told me that he disapproved of my intention to give my teenaged niece a small makeup kit as a gift. He said I should have asked his permission first.

I know my niece is allowed to wear makeup, as I have seen her do so at family functions. While I support his right to determine what is appropriate for his daughter, I feel the line should be drawn well short of dictating gift choices. Gift-giving is supposed to be an expression of regard from the giver to the recipient, is it not?

I took the time and thoughtfulness to choose a gift I thought my niece would enjoy. I ended up returning it in favor of a gift card to a big box store, since I didn't see how my brother could object to that, but all the joy of giving the gift is gone.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. What fun is there in being the favorite aunt or grandparent if you can't annoy the parents with presents that undo their rules and parenting in the process?

Miss Manners agrees that barring any truly bad taste or danger, presents should be up to the giver. It is then the parent's privilege to withhold their use until the recipient is "living in her own house and paying her own rent."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in my early 60s and have found myself working in a department with co-workers who are all in the 25-to-35 age range.

They are all smart and pleasant (some more than others), but in their daily back-and-forth banter they constantly make fun of older people. Life is not worth living once you hit 30, older people shouldn't be taking zumba classes, are terrible with technology, are boring, shouldn't have their pictures on the corporate website because they look so ... well ... old! -- that sort of thing.

I don't believe they're saying it to hurt my feelings; I just think they forget that I'm there. I work very hard to go above and beyond in the job, but I seldom show up at happy hours or participate in long conversations about the Kardashians and the best place to get a taco.

I may have made a few jokes of my own at their age, but I don't believe I was ever so consistently insensitive. I'm actually horrified that their parents are my contemporaries and raised them to be rude and immature, and terrified of getting older themselves.

I realize this is "ageism," but it doesn't bother me enough to approach Human Resources. In the end, I believe that would cause more problems than it solves.

I'm at a loss for a witty comment that would gently point out that they are idiots. Can you suggest one, or would the attempt be simply ineffective?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps during these unpleasant sessions, you could helpfully remind them that you are there by continually saying, "What?" and asking them to repeat themselves. A lot.

If done with humor, Miss Manners hopes that even the most immature will surely get that you are demonstrating -- and they are perpetuating -- a silly stereotype. At minimum, the point will be made that they should keep their ridiculous and shortsighted opinions to themselves -- or at least out of earshot.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to reply to a text that says just "Call me"?

I find it unspeakably rude and peremptory. If someone needs a call with me, they can call! If they don't want to call at a bad time, they could text "May I call you?" or "When is a good time to talk?"

But summoning me to call them is offensive. I generally ignore these texts rather than responding with what I'm thinking. Or I reply with a time to call me. But people really don't get the message. What's a good reply that lets people know this is rude?

GENTLE READER: "All right, I will."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend invited me to meet him on his lunch hour, and when I arrived at the casual food shop, he told me that he was fasting and would not be eating anything.

I said that was rude. He said he just wanted to spend time with me. I ate alone while we chatted. Should he have told me in advance that he wouldn't be sharing lunch with me?

GENTLE READER: The key word here is "hour," not "lunch." Presumably this was the time that your friend had available -- and Miss Manners fails to see the affront in his wanting to spend it with you. Had you not scolded him, you might have noticed that the fact that both of you did not have sandwich drippings hanging from your mouths likely made the conversation better, not worse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am recently widowed, and I understand friends and family have genuine concern for me. In addition to the normal loss, there are circumstances surrounding my husband's death that disturb me, but I don't want to share with anyone other than legal counsel.

I'm trying to be gracious when people inquire about my well-being, but I'm getting fed up with "But how are YOU doing?" I'm not doing well and would prefer not to talk about it in public or private, thank you.

Everyone needs to know that this is a nosy question that is inappropriate. Ask if there is anything you can help with, or if you can meet me for lunch. Ask, "Can I take anything to charity for you? Run errands? Address thank-you notes? Take the car in for maintenance?"

Asking HOW I am doing brings up sad topics such as: My income has been cut in half, the lawyer cost three times what I thought it would, I don't want a funeral but everyone else does, his wishes and mine were ignored by health providers who thought I would never find out (hint: medicine sends a record of any procedure to the patient's home). That's all too painful to talk about. There's merit in not bringing this up.

GENTLE READER: And yet here we are. While emphasizing different words within the otherwise innocuous question "How are you doing?" may appear to make it loaded or cloying, Miss Manners begs you to try not to hear it that way. People are floundering and trying to think of something to say when they really just want to help. So think of it instead as an invitation to talk about whatever you wish, be it car maintenance, lunch plans or medical fraud.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been elected president of a local professional organization, and I have been getting letters of congratulations from other members. Should I write thank-you notes in response? My feeling is that I should, but one of my business partners told me it was unnecessary as these letters are similar to thank-you notes themselves, and you do not write a thank-you note in response to a thank-you note.

GENTLE READER: Your business partner is wrong about congratulatory letters being the same as thank-you letters. But his lack of etiquette knowledge is made up for by his charming lack of political instinct. Miss Manners urges you to thank everyone, if not for etiquette's sake, then as the first step in your re-election campaign.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is organizing an 80th surprise birthday party for our mother. There are six of us (four brothers and two spouses) splitting the cost.

One of my brothers feels that his and his wife's flight cost should be absorbed and split evenly among everyone since they have to travel and some of us do not. There is no financial hardship for anyone involved. What is the proper way in which to go about this disagreement?

GENTLE READER: It sounds as if you already know how to go about the disagreement, so Miss Manners will assume that you are instead trying to bring it to a conclusion.

There are no fixed rules about how costs are to be split among multiple hosts. But for the sake of family harmony, she recommends including only direct costs for the entertainment itself incurred immediately prior to the party. This will avoid haggling over gas money, baby sitters, a fair rental price for your brother's living room, dry cleaning, and the original cost of any dishware subsequently damaged. It may also diminish the topics of conversation at the party. But it will increase your mother's surprise if she has had to sit through such squabbles for 50-plus years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend's sister is having a reception for her son's wedding and has invited a lot of people. I never received my invitation in the mail, although she said she sent one, plus she told me I was invited.

I feel rather funny attending since I never received an invitation even after she knew two weeks ago. She could have sent me another one but didn't. Should I go to this reception or not? I don't care either way, but wanted to congratulate the couple with a small gift. Now I feel like I don't need to attend or give a gift. Your opinion, please. I guess I'm rather put out.

GENTLE READER: Your best friend's sister -- the hostess -- told you that you were invited. Strictly speaking, that constitutes an invitation, whether or not confirmed in writing. Miss Manners fails to understand your pique and urges you to respond quickly if it is not already too late.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)