DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm the matron of honor of my sister's wedding. I live in Asia, and my husband isn't able to travel with me for the wedding because of both schedule and money considerations. I still received a plus-one, so I asked a female friend to be my date to the wedding to have someone to sit with at the reception because all of the bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

My sister just told me it's fine to bring her, but she doesn't want my friend to sit with me at the wedding party table because it's weird that she's just a friend and not a romantic partner. My main motivation for inviting her was not being an 11th wheel at the wedding party table.

I don't know how the relationship between my plus-one and myself would affect anyone else or why it would be a problem. Or why I even got a plus-one if bringing a friend would be a problem. It has been known all along that my husband would not be joining me.

Generally I resort to whatever she wants because she's the bride. But being a bridesmaid is super expensive, as is a flight home (especially since I don't earn money in USD), and so it seems that letting me sit with my plus-one would be the reasonable thing to do.

I haven't raised this issue yet because she's stressed enough as it is from planning a wedding. What are your thoughts? Am I in the right, or would saying something make me a bridesmaidzilla?

GENTLE READER: An 11th wheel? At your own sister's wedding, where she has especially chosen to honor you?

You seem to imagine a table of nuzzling couples. But it is the groomsmen, not the bridesmaids' partners, who should be seated at the bridal party table.

Wedding dinners are generally organized by family groups because the occasion often constitutes a reunion. Guests who come together in pairs -- in whatever relationship that entails -- are not seated together as a general rule. This is not done as punishment, but so that they may mingle with other guests. So the proper thing to do would be to seat your friend at a different table.

But this seems to be a rare trip home for you -- must you bring your own conversation partner? Don't you want to see your relatives and meet your sister's and new brother-in-law's friends?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Something unexpected happened when my hair started to turn gray in my late 50s. Bank tellers, waiters, shop clerks and others started calling me "dear," "honey," "sweetheart" and other names I feel should only be used for children or loved ones, not strangers who are doing business with them. I don't think they mean to be disrespectful, but I don't know how to respond other than to ignore it.

GENTLE READER: A puzzled stare followed by a sweet smile and, if quizzed, "Oh! I was waiting for someone named Honey to answer. My name is Mrs. Stitch. What did you want to ask me?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a strange way of dealing with public hygiene in restaurants and at catered events. For instance, it should be considered rude and unclean to reach one's hand into a basket of bread to take a piece, for fear that the hand may brush against another piece. But this is preferred to grabbing the bread with tongs that have been handled by every other bread-taker.

The habit that puzzles me the most is the practice of a server refilling a water glass by picking it up to hold it near a pitcher. After doing this at various tables, the server can successfully transfer germs to everyone in the room. To make matters worse, some servers grab the glass near the rim, ensuring that the transferred germs will go directly into the mouth when sipping more water.

Isn't there a better way? What would be the proper way for a server to refill a water glass?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette is interested in hygiene only indirectly. Its primary concern is civil intercourse, which requires us not to do things that gross out the person sitting next to us. Its dictates are therefore often more a matter of convention than epidemiology.

This is not to say Miss Manners is unwilling to incorporate advances in medical knowledge. Making another person sick generally strains civility. But as she is reminded by medical professionals, the air we breathe and every surface we touch are shared not only by our fellow humans, but by an endless supply of related flora and fauna.

She agrees with your preference that servers not grasp glasses by the rim, both for reasons of hygiene and for fear that they will lose their grip, depositing the contents on Miss Manners' lap.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When throwing a party in honor of your child, such as a baptism, who is the party for? Your child or your guests?

We have some picky family members who said they were "impressed" -- but we didn't care if we impressed them. We wanted a good time for all, but everything we selected was based on what we liked and wanted. We always considered our guests in selecting certain foods and seating, but we were not trying to impress anyone at our party with the decor choices or the venue.

I thought being told that they were "impressed" was rude.

GENTLE READER: Parties that involve honored guests -- which includes baptism and confirmation and bar and bat mitzvah parties, not to mention weddings and retirement parties -- are given for everyone who attends, guests and honoree included. A certain preference for, and recognition of, the honoree is both inevitable and proper, but so too is care for the entertainment and comfort of the guests.

Miss Manners considers it unfortunate that many parents and brides also consider them an opportunity to show off. But she cannot speak to whether your picky family members were commenting on this aspect because they wished to criticize you for what they thought was your intent or because they wished to compliment you for succeeding. She might find it awkwardly phrased, but would not let it ruin her enjoyment of the party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am very pleased to see that the bouquet toss is omitted at many weddings these days. Although movies and TV shows depict eager young women joyously jostling to catch the bouquet, I've seldom seen that in real life. In fact, unmarried women often must be coaxed to sheepishly participate in the ritual.

I'm a 57-year-old widow of two years. At one wedding, a bridesmaid had the effrontery to try to recruit me to join the bouquet-catching crowd. I said "no" and she said they really needed more people and called another bridesmaid to help physically pull me onto the dance floor.

I told her that she was being very disrespectful and that no one had better grab me, as I was wearing shoes that might be very painful if I should accidentally kick someone while defending myself. She was stunned. The story passed around the wedding reception, with several people saying I was being a bad sport and others saying that trying to push a widow into the activity was in poor taste.

The bride, my lovely and loyal niece, told everyone that both she and I were sad that my late husband wasn't there and that reminding me through highlighting my single state was unkind.

GENTLE READER: Dragging anyone -- widow or not -- into participating in a party activity is an assault on dignity and good manners, and, from your description, a literal one on your person as well. Miss Manners congratulates your niece on finding a diplomatic way to bring the situation under control without publicly taking sides. If necessary, the bridesmaid could have been moved to a private corner where she could be told to cease and desist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband combines food on his fork and then rubs it around in a circular motion on his dish. His dinner dish is also very messy. Is it OK to combine food on a fork, i.e. meat and potatoes? How can I express to him that rubbing the food around in whatever sauce is on the plate is not acceptable?

GENTLE READER: As with much of etiquette, the extent of the infraction depends not merely on the activity but on its intensity. Dipping a piece of meat into the sauce is not impolite; grinding it in until one can hear the tongs scraping against the china, is. Spearing a stray pea along with the carrots is not impolite; using your fingers to press the entire meal onto the tongs at once, is.

You might suggest to your husband that his activities are garnering unflattering attention and you would appreciate it if he took a more subtle approach. Wait until you next entertain so that you can do this after the guests go home. You can then leave to his imagination just who it is who is considering applying a fork to his person if he does not modify his eating habits.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)