DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 25, and this Christmas I got everything I asked for and then much, much more from my parents. I got expensive concert tickets and a diamond necklace on top of everything else.

I am so grateful, but when I open expensive gifts, I feel guilty because my parents do not buy themselves or each other any gifts. In fact, they hardly get any gifts for Christmas.

I do buy them gifts, but nothing near the level of what they give me, especially this year. I just can't afford it, and they know this. Then to top it off, my mom said, "Oh I was gonna buy myself the necklace I got you because I liked it so much, but I decided not to."

I said, "You should have! You deserve it!" But she shrugs it off. I tried saying, "You should buy yourself something nice; I know you could use a new camera. I am an adult; I don't want anything big this year." She said, "I do need a new camera, but they are so expensive!" She is right, and the kind she would like is way outside my budget. I suggested she and my father exchange gifts, but she claims they already agreed not to.

I know she is happy to give and her intentions are good, but it is not what I want. I want to see them open something that would make them happy. I wish they would understand that expensive stuff doesn't make me happy.

I was thinking I want to give her the necklace she gave me. It's beautiful and I know she will wear it more than me. It is not something I could ever afford to buy her. However, I am afraid she would be offended if I offer. Is it rude or selfish?

GENTLE READER: If you were in an O. Henry story, you would sell the necklace and use the money to buy your mother the camera. You would not tell her, but if she found out, you would explain that you know she wants to make you happy, and that is what makes you happy.

Miss Manners realizes that this violates her rule against rejecting presents. But while it is hard to say that someone who gives -- or wants to give back -- a diamond necklace is selfish, this one came with a hook, in addition to its clasp. You need to deal with the underlying issue, because it is going to keep recurring.

Alternatively, you could say that you want to share the necklace with her, and that it would have more meaning to you if she wore it first. And you should stop asking for presents -- unless you ask for something, like the camera, that would make you happy because it would enable you to give it to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend just emailed that her housemaid threw out my holiday gift! How do I politely respond?

GENTLE READER: Not by sending another present, which is the only motive Miss Manners can imagine that your friend had for mentioning this. You need only say, "What a shame. I had hoped you would like it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a variety of reasons that are too tedious to recount here, chiefly involving in-laws, we are estranged from our only child. We now have a 9-month-old grandchild whom we have yet to see.

We gave a gift at the baby shower, and were later told, “We don’t want anymore of your cheap

*t. You have to understand that if you send anything more, we’ll return it for cash.” The gift was actually ordered in from Europe, from a rather sought-after store.

A very dear relative has sought to repair the damages by inviting us all for Christmas.

We plan to make a donation to a charity in the name of our child, spouse and grandchild as a Christmas gift. We feel this will spare them the unenviable task of returning an unwanted gift, and will also help the less fortunate. This will be our plan going forward. We feel that an active and real demonstration of concern for the less fortunate may be of great long-term benefit to our grandchild.

Might Miss Manners have advice on the best way to present this donation? We think an email to our estranged child et al. from the charity will not be good. In order to avoid the “cheap

*t “ designation, it will be in the four-figure range. We are thinking of putting the thank-you letter from the charity in a shirt-size box, wrapped attractively.

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that a tremendous amount of effort -- and money -- is being put into a present that will clearly never be enough. Your child is trying to hurt and offend you, and rather than continue the effort to solve the bigger problem, you are taking the bait. This is both impractical and expensive. You are not going to win.

Your child will likely say that this is not a charity they support, and Miss Manners cannot say she would blame them. Donations given to charities in another person’s name are not true presents.

Miss Manners suggests that you make the radical move of not bringing anything at all, and simply focus on repairing the relationship. She does not promise that this will not be met with equal grievance at coming to the holidays empty-handed, but at that point, you can accurately say, “We do not seem to be able to please you. Perhaps when we begin to become reacquainted, we will have a better sense of what you and Baby Tilly would most like.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes acquaintances like to infantilize my name, calling me “Davey” instead of Dave. I hate being called Davey, so I nip that in the bud, especially because others will see it as an acceptable address.

However, an older friend can’t seem to help himself, sporadically calling me Davey. I’ve reminded him many times. My plan is to just ignore him next time he says it, or respond in a way he’ll remember, such as, “Yes, A-wipe” or something similar. Your suggestion?

GENTLE READER: That you respond, “Yes, Mr. A-wipe.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if I committed a faux pas over breakfast while staying at my sister’s house. When my cousins and I gathered in the dining room, we were told of the various breakfast offerings on hand: muffins, rolls, biscuits, eggs, waffles and so on. My sister also told us that there were various cereals available, in addition to the other things mentioned, and to help ourselves to whatever we liked.

As is my habit, I took a small bowl of cereal with milk to my place at the table, along with a muffin. As I did so, I received an extremely long, icy stare from one of my cousins, who was having only a muffin and a glass of juice.

Is it improper for one guest to have something more than what other guests are having? Should I have limited myself to what the cousins were having? And while I’m at it: Wasn’t it impolite for my cousin to stare at me disapprovingly? It’s not as though I gorged myself at the expense of others, and our host did tell us to help ourselves!

GENTLE READER: As long as you were not swiping the last muffin out from under your cousin’s lips or hoarding all of the breakfast foods, you did nothing wrong. Invitations may be taken at face value, as long as a modicum of fairness, decency and regard for others accompanies their acceptance.

However, Miss Manners does not guarantee that your cousin is not holding a lifelong childhood grievance about unfair practices between you when you were 8. But she does not have time for such passive aggressiveness -- and nor should you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative whom I talk with a couple of times a week by phone. During our calls, the relative’s girlfriend can be heard talking in the background as if she is on our phone call herself. It makes it difficult to speak with my relative.

I have said a few times, “I cannot hear you because of the background noise.” I have asked her to call me back when she can have a quiet conversation, but each time she returns the call, the girlfriend starts up again.

I really do want to continue phone calls with my relative. Do you have a suggestion for handling this situation?

GENTLE READER: Get to know the girlfriend.

It seems to Miss Manners that that is probably what she is seeking -- and that calling her “background noise” is not helping the situation.

If, after you have taken the time to know her, she is still chiming in on telephone conversations, you may then say, “Oh is that Clarabelle? Please put her on. I have been meaning to ask her about her recipe for succotash.” Clarabelle may find herself suddenly too busy for an actual conversation, but at least you will have made the point that one-on-one is preferred to a chaotic free-for-all.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)