GENTLE READERS: A term now in common usage that puzzles Miss Manners is “a real wedding.”

She recalls from 19th-century drama what a sham wedding was: A cad would persuade a virtuous lady to elope, produce an imposter to act as a clergyman and pretend to marry them, and shortly after, abandon her to ruin. The planning always seemed to take more time than the enjoyment.

More recently, and more sympathetically, people who were not legally allowed to marry held ersatz weddings, called commitment ceremonies, to mark their unions.

Silly Miss Manners would have thought that a “real wedding” was one in which a couple actually got married in a legal and optionally religious ceremony. Some sort of celebration almost always follows, but while that is called a “wedding reception” or a “wedding breakfast,” it is an add-on.

But now people want to divorce the marriage from the wedding. What they mean by a “wedding” is only the pageantry. The white dress, the costumed attendants, the “giving away,” the huge cake and, of course, the presents -- these may be produced without benefit of matrimony.

These events are not staged so often by couples with no intention of actually marrying (although there are instances) as they are by couples who are already married. Some are recently married and want to repeat the event for different spectators; others are long married but complain that they now want the trappings they missed at the time.

The targeted “real wedding” guests are no more charmed by this than Miss Manners. It seems that the emotional element of witnessing a binding union is essential. The legal part is so crucial that emotions do not seem to be dampened when the bride and bridegroom have previously been living as a couple. Miss Manners cannot blame them for their lack of enthusiasm for re-runs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other night, when we were having dinner at our neighbors’ house, my husband, without checking with me first, told our neighbors that they could help themselves to anything they wanted to harvest from our garden.

I was not happy about that at the time, but didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want them helping themselves to my hard work. I am happy to share with them, but I would like to pick the veggies myself and take them over to them as a gift. I would also like to have plenty to give to my family members and other neighbors, too.

Now, I am finding that not only are there not enough veggies to share, there are not any for me! When I go to pick the nice tomato that I have been watching ripen, it has already been picked! This happens repeatedly.

Is there any polite way I can rescind my husband’s offer?

GENTLE READER: No, but he can do so. If you tell the pickers that he was unauthorized to make the offer, you will sound mean. If he says sheepishly, “I should have asked my wife what she wanted you to leave,” he will sound sweet.

Of course this is unfair. Miss Manners only wants you to know how people react.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a single woman in my early 30s, and many of my co-workers are younger than myself. They’re very worldly, many of them married and having babies, or at least in committed relationships.

Sex and relationships are big topics of discussion amongst these co-workers, and are topics that I am uncomfortable discussing with people that I am not particularly close to. I barely discuss these things with my family and friends. I feel that my history and perspectives would not be respected or understood by this group.

However, they feel it is OK to press me on these topics. They seem to find it odd that I do not express interest in being married or wanting to be in a relationship. Almost everyone seems baffled by my reluctance to jump into relationships -- or beds, for that matter. It seems that love and marriage are goals that must be achieved immediately after a career has been established, and that society expects this.

I am reticent to disclose my (very nonexistent) romantic past when pressed. I know they make their own assumptions at my reluctance to share. I also know that they speculate about why I am not eager to be in a relationship.

I am happy with my life as it is. I am shy, conservative and have a set of morals not compatible with modern ideas about dating. Thus, I am not at all interested in the modern dating scene.

I find it stressful to have to listen to the teases and offers of matchmaking with their acquaintances -- quite honestly, a set of people I very much doubt I would have anything in common with. I feel embarrassed at the idea of people being forced into my company, and vice versa, for the express purpose of forming a romantic attachment, and the expectations that come along with that.

I received a message from a co-worker who I have not seen in some time, offering to set me up with a man she believes would be “perfect” for me. I debated how to reply in an off-the-cuff, jokey, “Thanks, but I’m OK” way. I have left it for so long that now it is too late to respond. I do not know how to acknowledge her text when I see her again. I know, 100 percent, that she will broach the subject.

What does a single girl do when faced with so many pushy matchmakers? And how do I respond to their inquiries about my love life without alienating myself from my co-workers? I enjoy working with them, as long as they leave my love life out of the discussion.

GENTLE READER: “That’s kind of you, but I am not available.” And to the inevitable follow-up question, “It’s not something I want to discuss.”

Miss Manners realizes that your colleagues will assume that you are having a clandestine affair with someone of such prominence as to be protective of their public reputation. Or that your heart is in someone’s premature grave. Or that you have taken secret religious vows.

But don’t mind that. As long as you keep responding cheerfully but firmly, they will eventually have to give up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While traveling, my husband and I decided to stop for the night. I called a large, mid-priced chain hotel. While talking, the clerk asked to put me on hold. It was a long while, but I figured she had to wait on someone at the counter.

A few minutes later, we got to the hotel. The same woman was at the desk. In the middle of our discussion, she excused herself and went to the back. It was, again, a very long wait, and when she finally came out, I asked if something was wrong.

“I’m sick,” she said. I asked her if she meant her stomach. It was. I asked if it was contagious, and she said, “I hope not.” I was horrified and pulled back from the counter, saying that I did not want to get sick. She said she understood and would ask her manager to wait on me, then went to the back again. I waited and waited and nobody came out. I guess she was vomiting again.

I told my husband that I just wanted to leave. He was very annoyed with me, but we left. He said I was terribly rude and had embarrassed him with the way I physically reacted.

My main concern was not catching whatever she had. Besides standing right in front of her, she would have been handling my credit card, the room keys, the pen and paperwork that I would also handle.

Was I rude? I just did not want to get sick. How else should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: With at least a semblance of polite concern for the person who is actually sick, before becoming consumed with the remote likelihood of your own illness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does “elegant shades of white” mean for wedding attire?

GENTLE READER: That the bride is the highly unusual combination of dictatorial, yet willing to be upstaged.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a gift is given, is it ever appropriate for the giver to tell the recipient that more time and effort went into the gift than would possibly meet the eye? (“Believe it or not, it took all day to find just the right one for you.”)

On one hand, since it is the thought that counts, the recipient might want to know the amount of thought (“That was so nice of you!”). On the other hand, such disclosures may tarnish the gift and come off like crass fishing for thanks.

Even if there is direct inquiry (“How long did it take you to make it?”), is it permissible to respond directly, or is deflection (“Oh, it was no trouble, really”) the preferred response?

GENTLE READER: “Oh, I had so much fun finding/ordering/whittling this present for you. I do hope that you enjoy it.” If asked for more detail, Miss Manners will allow you to indulge modestly. Indulge, not luxuriate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)