life

Relatives Won’t Stop Sending Real-Time Vacation Pics

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 5th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have some relatives who enjoy sharing pictures of their travels. Instead of a slideshow after coming home, they text pictures of themselves or what they’re seeing to a group of a half-dozen relatives throughout the trip.

In the last day, I’ve received 10 pictures, along with all the commentary from everyone else in the group thread. I have to admit that a selfie of them on an airplane and several people responding “Aww!” doesn’t particularly interest me, and disrupts my day.

I’m very happy for them that they are enjoying their vacation, but I’d be happier if they enjoyed it on their own. Is there a polite way to ask them not to send me pictures? I’d be willing to sit through a slideshow once they return; it’s the constant texts that I object to.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you do not remember the time when it was a common form of torture to make others sit through home movies. Otherwise normal people, with nothing but goodwill in their hearts, would lure their unsuspecting relatives and friends to a purported social gathering, then dim the lights and make them watch films of their holidays and their children’s birthday parties.

There was no escape. Even dozing off in the dark was difficult, because the films were accompanied by equally soporific narrations to which audience responses were sought:

“Here we are in the main square -- honey, do you remember whose statue that is? Help me, someone; he’s one of their national heroes. Anyway, it was festival time, and if it hadn’t been raining you’d be able to see everybody out there celebrating. You really should go there sometime. I forgot -- you have a beach house, don’t you? But you should also travel; there’s nothing like seeing different cultures ...”

Or, “This is so cute: It’s Teddy’s birthday, so of course he thinks the cake is just for him, but Jenny thinks because she’s older, he needs her help to blow out the candles. But the funny thing is that on HER birthday, which we’ll show you next, he thinks it’s OK for him to help her open her presents! And of course she doesn’t like it any better ...”

Surely you do not want that sort of entertainment back. Miss Manners will try to show you that while such barrages of texted pictures annoy you, the method has its advantages:

You don’t have to look at them on the way to the Delete key, because the photographer is not watching you. You don’t have to hit Like, which would hardly be noticeable anyway, among the others on the thread who are admiring one another.

All you have to do is to say, on the travelers’ return, “Seemed like a great trip.” You could have concluded that from the mere volume of the texts, and anyway, no one is going to quiz you on the content.

life

Miss Manners for November 05, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 5th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a church organist. Occasionally, someone will say to me, “You play better than Mr. X.” I consider that a compliment, but to the detriment of Mr. X. How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: ”He’s really very good. I’m flattered that you consider me in the same league.” That this does not address what was said is irrelevant, Miss Manners believes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Getting Your Wedding Gift Back -- Sort Of

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 3rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A wedding celebration I was to attend was called off at the last minute. I cannot fault anyone for canceling the nuptials if the bride or groom did not want to get married. But my mother told me, years ago, that good manners dictate that the gifts for a canceled wedding be returned. I was waiting to see how this would be handled.

I soon got an email from the store at which the bride was registered. It stated: ”We are in the process of getting all gifts back from the bride, but we have been asked by the bride’s mother to give all purchasers a store credit. You can call us the next time you need a gift for anyone ... We can access any major department store registry and typically save you 20 percent from the department store prices on most major brands. We also have over 50,000 items on our own website.”

I’m not sure how I should react to this information, but I do know I am offended. Is this an acceptable way to return a gift? I feel that the mother preempted my decision about what to do with the returned present, but maybe I should just be thankful that I am receiving something back. After all, the bride could have kept all the gifts.

GENTLE READER: It hardly seems better that they are, instead, being held on consignment. Perhaps with the notion that it would be convenient for all, this woman has forced her guests into the unpleasant position of having to ask permission for what is rightfully theirs.

If you have the gumption to do so, Miss Manners will allow you to politely decline the offer, saying, “I appreciate the discount, but if you do not mind, I think that we will go through the trouble of returning the silver water filter ourselves.”

life

Miss Manners for November 03, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 3rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am moving back to my home state in three months. An aunt of mine found out about this move and sent me, via social media, an invitation to my cousin’s (her son’s) wedding since I would “be in the area.”

Honestly, I am not close to my extended family; I barely even know them. I wouldn’t mind going to the wedding to extend an olive branch and maybe start to know them better. But can I really put any weight in a social media invitation from the mother of the groom? I feel that if they really wanted to have me, they would have sent a real invitation. How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: To your cousin. He will surely have a more direct line to whether the rest of the family has other ideas: “Aunt Destiny was kind enough to invite me to the wedding through social media, but we all know that such invitations are tenuous, at best. Are you sure that it would be all right if I attend? I would love to see the family now that I am in closer proximity.”

And then Miss Manners suggests you send an equally charming note to his fiancee, saying how much you look forward to getting to know her better -- either at this event or another one -- to ensure direct invitations in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Leave Miss Manners Out of Wedding Photo Debate

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 2nd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the practice of having the groom pose for pictures with his hand in his pocket begin, and why? Every Sunday, I see pictures of beautiful brides, perfectly groomed, standing beside slobs with their hands in their pockets. This really irritates me. I realize that I can do nothing about it.

GENTLE READER: Who is to say these gentlemen would not be proven even more slovenly by displaying what their hands are hiding?

Surprising as it may be, Miss Manners does not have a firm ruling on the placement of hands when posing for pictures. She leaves that to the photographers. As long as these bridegrooms are not making rude gestures, she considers herself -- and their brides -- fortunate enough.

life

Miss Manners for November 02, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | November 2nd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professor and the director of a small graduate program at a large university. Each year, we select a group of applicants who, on top of admittance, receive a teaching assistantship. This comes with a tuition waiver and a stipend, together amounting to tens of thousands of dollars. Even smaller groups are offered merit fellowships of several thousand dollars.

I personally send notifications via email to these applicants, give them a decision deadline, and ask them to send me a note in response. In other words, they do not hear word of these offers in a bureaucratic form letter from an anonymous university official.

I am shocked, every year, that many of the recipients simply ignore the offer. I receive no acknowledgment of the offer, let alone an expression of gratitude. Their silence communicates to me that they feel enormously entitled.

Clearly, they have not been mentored correctly. After the decision date, I send follow-up emails to the applicants from whom I have yet to hear a word, letting them know that the decision date has passed, that the offer has been retracted and that we have moved to our waitlist.

I am tempted to add a line saying that I would have appreciated an acknowledgment of the offer. I am even tempted to offer some unsolicited professional advice: that it is good form to acknowledge professional opportunities and offers, even if one is going to decline them. After all, this is not just a matter of etiquette, but also a matter of burning professional bridges.

I know that good manners dictate that one does not point out the rudeness of others. But I am wondering if my role as a professor offers me some leeway here, as it is my job to teach students the ways of the profession. Does this extend to students who are not my own?

GENTLE READER: While these adult students should clearly know better, they are obviously in need of some guidance. Miss Manners is loath to employ the overused phrase “a teaching moment,” but that is what this is.

Miss Manners suggests: “In the future, it may behoove you to acknowledge the receipt of any monetary or positional prospects. Even if you are unable to take advantage of them now, surely you would not want to give the impression that they -- or the generous people who recommended you for them -- will never be of use.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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