Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the practice of having the groom pose for pictures with his hand in his pocket begin, and why? Every Sunday, I see pictures of beautiful brides, perfectly groomed, standing beside slobs with their hands in their pockets. This really irritates me. I realize that I can do nothing about it.

GENTLE READER: Who is to say these gentlemen would not be proven even more slovenly by displaying what their hands are hiding?

Surprising as it may be, Miss Manners does not have a firm ruling on the placement of hands when posing for pictures. She leaves that to the photographers. As long as these bridegrooms are not making rude gestures, she considers herself -- and their brides -- fortunate enough.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professor and the director of a small graduate program at a large university. Each year, we select a group of applicants who, on top of admittance, receive a teaching assistantship. This comes with a tuition waiver and a stipend, together amounting to tens of thousands of dollars. Even smaller groups are offered merit fellowships of several thousand dollars.

I personally send notifications via email to these applicants, give them a decision deadline, and ask them to send me a note in response. In other words, they do not hear word of these offers in a bureaucratic form letter from an anonymous university official.

I am shocked, every year, that many of the recipients simply ignore the offer. I receive no acknowledgment of the offer, let alone an expression of gratitude. Their silence communicates to me that they feel enormously entitled.

Clearly, they have not been mentored correctly. After the decision date, I send follow-up emails to the applicants from whom I have yet to hear a word, letting them know that the decision date has passed, that the offer has been retracted and that we have moved to our waitlist.

I am tempted to add a line saying that I would have appreciated an acknowledgment of the offer. I am even tempted to offer some unsolicited professional advice: that it is good form to acknowledge professional opportunities and offers, even if one is going to decline them. After all, this is not just a matter of etiquette, but also a matter of burning professional bridges.

I know that good manners dictate that one does not point out the rudeness of others. But I am wondering if my role as a professor offers me some leeway here, as it is my job to teach students the ways of the profession. Does this extend to students who are not my own?

GENTLE READER: While these adult students should clearly know better, they are obviously in need of some guidance. Miss Manners is loath to employ the overused phrase “a teaching moment,” but that is what this is.

Miss Manners suggests: “In the future, it may behoove you to acknowledge the receipt of any monetary or positional prospects. Even if you are unable to take advantage of them now, surely you would not want to give the impression that they -- or the generous people who recommended you for them -- will never be of use.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother is 98 and currently in the hospital. My mother has warned me that she may not bounce back from it this time. In the event that she does pass, my mom wants the family -- my sister, my dad and I -- to fly up for the funeral one weekend.

I hate flying. I HATE flying. When I expressed this to my mom, she told me I would “just have to get over it.” The funeral will be nine hours away by car, which I don’t mind driving on my own, and I’m sure I could fit it into my schedule.

I’m financially dependent on my mom until I graduate. She bought me my new used car, and everything I’ve ever needed. She is a great mom! But I’m conflicted. I truly don’t want to fly, but refusing to fly means starting a fight with my mom.

How do I express myself and hold my ground, while at the same time showing her that I respect her, love her and appreciate her? I know we should always listen to our mothers, but when am I old enough to adamantly disagree with her? Is it when I pay for my rent myself?

GENTLE READER: Family roles change over time, a fact often brought out when facing illness and death. The disagreement you are having follows a no-doubt familiar pattern: Your mother tells you to eat your vegetables and you do not want to.

The way not to be treated like a child is not to act -- or in this case, think -- like one. Your mother’s mother is dying and your mother needs your comfort and help. Assuming you are there in time to provide it, how you get there is your responsibility, as an adult -- not hers.

Ask your mother when she wants you to arrive; if she asks how you are going to get there, assure her that she does not need to worry about that. Miss Manners notes that this is both the best way to help your mother, and to establish that you are now the decision-maker on some things.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We recently stayed at a rental apartment. The owner left us a plate of six muffins -- a lovely gesture, except that the plastic wrap had been carefully pulled away on two muffins and a bite had been taken out of each.

If it was a mouse, it was a very careful, fastidious one. We wondered if maybe the baker had young children who craved something sweet. Should we have said something?

GENTLE READER: As you are only taking the apartment temporarily, and the muffins are not a material part of that transaction, Miss Manners urges you to overlook the bites.

She means to be taken figuratively, not literally: In the absence of children or mice, just dispose of the injured muffins in part or in whole.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional singer, and I sing as the leading soprano in an opera house. Of course, it is expected and natural to receive and give gifts on the day of a premiere, but I have a violinist “friend” who gives me gifts every single time I see her.

Literally. Every show, every rehearsal with orchestra, every concert, without fail.

At first I thanked her for the gifts, but at this point, I feel weird about it. I tell her every single time, “Thank you so much, but you really must not give me any more gifts.” I have never (on purpose) encouraged her with a thank-you note, and have only once reciprocated, on her birthday: I baked a cake and gave her a beautiful necklace, which was the most uncomfortable meeting yet.

After we left her house once, my husband and I went grocery shopping, and while we were walking home, she showed up in her car to “help us” and drove us home. We were extremely unsettled by the idea that she followed us.

She also comes into my dressing room while I am changing, and will wait for me for over an hour, which makes me feel like I have to do something with her when I just want to go home. She will follow me to my house, and if she meets me in town, she will follow me around while I try to do my errands. She writes incredibly long texts, and asks me very personal things, like “What did the doctor say?” etc.

How I can get her to go away in general? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I am fed up with her creepiness and need to make this stop.

GENTLE READER: The behavior you describe is that of a stalker -- not a friend, in quotes or otherwise. But she has convinced you to cooperate, albeit reluctantly, in her own gross violation of good manners by making you think that cutting her would be rude. It would not. In fact, it is the only sensible solution.

Miss Manners is confident that opera house management has seen this problem before, and can be turned to for a solution: barring her from visiting you backstage (assuming she is not in the orchestra), or implementing more stringent measures if she is a fellow employee. Avoiding her outside the theater will require constant vigilance, and perhaps even the involvement of the authorities, which is certainly unpleasant -- but protecting yourself from unwanted attentions by avoiding interaction with her is not rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I (a same-sex couple) received an invitation to a baby shower for his sister’s first baby. In our city, guys and gals often attend bridal and baby teas and showers, so we were excited to be included.

Although I had a conflict, my husband planned to attend and take our gifts. A few days prior to the event, he was informed that only ladies will attend, essentially uninviting us. My husband was very hurt. What do you make of this?

GENTLE READER: That Miss Manners has more work to do reminding people that rescinding invitations is both rude and, as you demonstrate, hurtful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)