DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately I’ve found that chain restaurants, and even local ones, have a tip line on the credit card form -- when the restaurants provide no service.

I place my order at a register, pick up my food when they call my name or number, and then bus my own table. They clearly expect you to do this, as they provide receptacles and signs with instructions.

They have a tip jar for use if you don’t use a credit card. I understand this is a practice at coffee shops to show appreciation for the artistic ability of the barista, but for a plain cup of coffee? I’ve also found this practice when I pick up a meal to go.

I understand this is to offset the fact that they do not pay a living wage to the employees, but am I required to tip when no service is rendered? I usually end up putting $1 in the tip jar or on the tip line, which makes me feel churlish and taken advantage of at the same time.

GENTLE READER: There are a number of factors to weigh when deciding whether or how much to tip, but Miss Manners does not consider that the little tip-bait traps have become so prevalent should be among them.

The most important element is whether the job is structured so that tips are counted as part of the workers’ wage. (For that reason, owners of businesses are not tipped, although many have also come around to expect it.) Miss Manners believes that service charges should be built into the customers’ bills, not left to their discretion. If that is not being done, however, she cannot countenance customers withholding such basic compensation.

Less important, to Miss Manners and practically no one else, is the quality of the service. Blatantly bad service should be reported, she believes. But before penalizing someone merely for having a bad day at work, one should reflect about whether one’s own income is affected by an occasional lapse.

And while it is generous to reward good service beyond the customary minimum, it is insulting to maintain that workers are so unprofessional as to require extra bribery in order to perform their jobs well.

So you should tip when you think it is right. But do not have qualms about not doing so only because the business is trying to make you feel guilty if you do not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While discussing with some colleagues a family member’s plans for a black-tie wedding and reception, someone noted that gifts are not to be given if the wedding is black tie. I have never heard of such a thing, and my husband and I have already purchased a lovely gift. Clarification of this matter would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Amazement, rather than clarification, is the only thing Miss Manners can provide. Where do these bizarre ideas arise? What possible connection could there be between the clothing worn and the presents?

Folks, please stop making up absurd “rules” that you try to pass off as required by etiquette. Miss Manners has enough trouble making people obey the real ones.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 56-year-old woman who lost her job in late December. I was devastated and stricken with grief and loss and sadness. I alienated my family and friends, initially because I could not bear the questions/pity.

After thinking about the whole scenario, I wish someone would have just come and sat with me. But that never happened -- only constant phone calls (which I never answered).

Now, months later, it’s my birthday, and I have no contact with anyone. What can I do?

I want to make this right, but not be a burden on anyone. I am still depressed and working through this loss.

GENTLE READER: Retroactive suggestions are not much help, but this is why Miss Manners has the apparent cruelty to insist that even people experiencing tragedy respond graciously to kindness.

That does not preclude withdrawing from their company if that is what is needed at the time. But by simply shutting off all contact, you eventually convinced them that they were intruding, and you should not have expected them to barge through anyway. Those calls, had you taken them, would have been to ask your permission to visit, maybe just to sit with you. By the time of your birthday, you had made it clear that they were not wanted.

What you could have said was, “Thank you for your concern. I’m not up to seeing people right now, but I will get in touch with you when I am.” And then done so. So you should get in touch with them now, with an apology for not having acknowledged their kindness before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and his son are annoyed with me. I sent my nephew and his fiancee the set of pots that I found on their bridal registry. I had been told they preferred money, but I feel that gift money is mixed with other money and then there is nothing to remember me by in the future.

I exchanged a present for money when I got married, and have regretted it for a long time. I think that it is nice to see something and remember the person who gave it to you long after they are gone.

My brother called me to complain for not giving money; apparently the $400 price tag was not considered enough. A comment was made that “you can’t get anything out of this family.” Not so, as I have paid bills and given my brother and sister money to help them out when they have called for help over the years, amounting to more than $20,000.

What should I have done, and how much was I supposed to give? Am I right in feeling insulted?

GENTLE READER: As presents are voluntary on the part of the giver, who is also supposed to choose what is given, there is no such legitimate concept as what anyone is “supposed to give.”

However, the sensible thing to give to people who don’t appreciate presents is nothing. It only seems to make them angry to receive gifts of any kind. And when your brother remarked that nothing could be gotten from this family, he is surely describing himself and his son, from whom you will get no gratitude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I moved into a house with two stories. When he calls to me from the other floor, I frequently can’t understand him, so I have taken to calling back, “Honey, I can’t hear you. If you’re trying to ask me something, you need to come into this room.”

He thinks that if I can’t understand him, then I should just come to where he is. I say that it’s the onus of the original bellower to come to the bellow-ee. I hate repeatedly calling back, “What? WHAT?” and then putting down whatever I’m doing just to go upstairs and learn I’ve been summoned to tell him, for example, that “Yes, I did buy toothpaste.”

GENTLE READER: With some exceptions, the responsibility for being in a position to be understood lies with the person initiating the communication. In other words, the bellower. In saying that there are exceptions, Miss Manners is thinking of the bedridden -- not those who lack patience, empathy or volume control.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was shopping in a store, a patron entered wearing a T-shirt with the following message: “Shut the F Up.” I was, of course, dismayed, and more so when the store’s employees didn’t request that the person leave the premises.

Why has this become acceptable? At the St. Louis barbecue festival, I saw a 30-something man wearing a T-shirt that said “St. F-ing Louis.” Families and children were all around. To enter the festival, I had to have my purse searched, but no one thought his shirt was inappropriate? It’s becoming a very ugly world.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, our rights to free speech extend to vulgar T-shirts. How ironic, however, that the first shirt you mention rudely demanded that you stifle yours.

If you feel the need to politely assert your own First Amendment rights, Miss Manners recommends you say in a loud voice, “Oh dear, I did not realize St. Louis had changed its name. I guess I won’t be going there.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter wants to bring her friend on a trip with us. What is the best way to ask her mom? Do we have her pay for her daughter’s ticket?

We never offered to pay, but I feel awkward asking if she will buy for her daughter.

GENTLE READER: If you were inviting this girl for dinner, it would be wrong to ask for her mother to pay (although Miss Manners has heard from readers whose appalling hosts have tried).

A trip, however, is different. Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with politely asking, alluding to the financial investment involved and letting the mother decide: “We would love to invite Britta along with us to Cancun, but we realize that the cost might be exorbitant. She can, of course, stay with us in Lavidia’s room. What do you think?”

Your hosting duties would still presumably extend to providing additional amenities and food, although it would be reasonable to assume that the girl would bring along her own pocket money -- and passport.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)