DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way to look up an ancient friend online without being noticed?

I want to maintain a sense of propriety on my part, and not be seen as overbearing or as attributing an unwarranted interest. I just want to find out: Is he or she married now? I don’t want to ask a mutual friend.

GENTLE READER: These days, there undoubtedly is a way to find out if your friend is married while preserving your anonymity, but Miss Manners’ expertise is in etiquette, not espionage. And that expertise tells her that even if you avoid being caught, there is no way to wonder about someone’s marital status while preserving both a lack of interest and a sense of propriety.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my small apartment building, one of my neighbors is a sweet older lady who works for an engraver. We’ve had difficulty with our mail carrier putting our mail in each other’s boxes. Usually we just re-sort the mail ourselves, but apparently it annoys my neighbor to no end.

To combat the problem, she had some lovely brass plaques engraved with our last names and apartment numbers, and mounted them to our mailboxes. However, my name has been somewhat misspelled: My last name ends with an “s,” and for some reason she put an apostrophe before it, making it possessive.

I think it’s so nice that she had these made, but I have no idea if she actually paid for them or if they were free of charge from her employer. Either way, I would really like to have mine replaced. I’ve thought about offering to pay for the replacement, but I’m afraid I’ll seem ungracious.

Or, because she’s so sweet, she’ll insist upon replacing it at her own expense. I haven’t a clue how much these things cost, but I don’t want her to have to pay for the replacement.

Also, a little bit of time has passed now, and I’m a little embarrassed that I hadn’t brought it up sooner. I even thought about just letting it be, but this error happens more often than you think, and it annoys me to have to look at it every day. Not to mention, it looks like the box belongs to someone else, like it’s “William’s” mail rather than “Mr. Williams”! (Not my real last name.) What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Changing your name? Perhaps not. And Miss Manners assumes that someone who works for an engraver will not be fooled if you surreptitiously obscure the apostrophe with a foreign substance.

This leaves a direct approach. You cannot, unfortunately, assume that your neighbor will see the humor in her mounting the plaques because the mail carrier was not getting her name right -- and her then doing the same to you. But if you are sufficiently grateful and apologetic, she will see the logic. You must do this and one thing more: Insist on paying for the replacement, avoiding any annoyance over the undeniable fact that your neighbor caused the problem by not consulting with you before she took action.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I manage and play for a men’s softball team. It involves a lot of work, time and tribulation to ensure enough players come to the games, and that the right players do so (not everyone is capable of pitching).

A player who joined a year and a half ago committed to coming several times, but in the end did not arrive, and did not even tell us that he was not coming. Once, we called him from the field -- thinking maybe he got caught in traffic and would be five minutes late -- and he informed us in an indignant way that he was working at the office and could not come.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Jordan?”

“Well, *I* have to work,” he said. “I don’t know about the other guys; maybe they have schedules that allow them a lot of time off.”

I took him off the email list. Who needs the grief?

My co-manager, however, still had faith. He asked Jordan to come to a practice, and bet me a beer that he would come through. He had promised him twice, after all.

Guess who won?

I sent Jordan a text message that night, saying, “Thanks for the beer.” That’s all. Didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names, nothing like that.

Oh boy, was Jordan angry and insulted. He messaged me back with an indignant “I was at work until 9:30 at night,” and the next day left a voice message demanding an apology.

He called me a few days later and told me he didn’t like my attitude, and that he thinks I don’t want him on the team. Truth is, I’m not so hot about it, but there have been times when we could have used him. So I told him that he says one thing, and doesn’t follow through. We can’t manage a team like that.

Should I apologize to him for that text message? Should I ignore him, like he did us? I don’t really want him on the team, as it has become more trouble than it’s worth, but should I allow him to “repent” and rejoin?

GENTLE READER: You have pitched Miss Manners softball questions (you can pass off the taunting as kidding) rather than the hard one to which you really need an answer.

She is not the one you need to convince not to let Jordan back on the team, a decision you have already reached on your own. You need to convince your co-manager, and herein lies the challenge. The reason both corporations and sports clubs give for establishing policies about attendance and behavior is so that everyone knows what is expected of them -- and what the punishment is for noncompliance. A level playing field, as the saying goes.

Those policies, not coincidentally, also absolve managers of making excruciating decisions. Work out general rules with your club and co-manager -- how many absences lead to a suspension, how long a suspension lasts, and so on -- and apply them in each specific case. This will also help you avoid childish arguments over whether someone’s reasons for being perpetually absent without warning are, or are not, morally superior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend invites you and your significant other to dinner at a very expensive restaurant for your birthday, is it proper manners to order what you want regardless of the cost? After all, my friend said, “Order what you want.”

Or should you try to be cognizant of the cost and order one of the less expensive items, because it’s about the celebration, not the food?

What are the “rules” for your significant other? Could they also order what they want, or do they need to be MORE cognizant of the cost because it is not their birthday? We also do the same thing for my friend when it is his birthday.

GENTLE READER: When a host says, “Make yourself at home,” do you loll around in your pajamas, go through the drawers and help yourself to the contents of the liquor cabinet?

Miss Manners apologizes if this seems an indictment of how you behave at home. No doubt you are fastidious, and anyway, she isn’t watching.

She only means to point out that such hospitable phrases are not to be taken literally. You both should order something you want that is within a reasonable range. No $1,000 bottles of wine, even if it is your birthday. That holiday does not come with the license to suspend the rules of considerate behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a friend who had a destination wedding last year. Now the couple is having a bridal shower and another wedding in the state they live in. Is it right to have a bridal shower when you have been married for almost a year?

GENTLE READER: This is not a wedding, but a rerun, and Miss Manners advises you to be wary of how far back your friend intends to rewind events. You might want to stop before she gives herself a high-school graduation party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has just transitioned to a lovely rest home. She was very excited about the beautiful new facility and gourmet meals.

During her first stop at the restaurant, before she was served, the staff wheeled over an elderly, deaf man and asked if it would be all right if he joined her. Of course she answered yes, it being her first time in the restaurant.

She would like to make friends there and not create any disharmony, but this gentleman now believes he is her constant dining companion. Last night he said, “I will see you at lunch.”

Mom is a lovely, vivacious woman, who is well-traveled and interesting. What should she do? She’s considered joining a table of ladies as soon as she enters the room. She is still jangled by her transition and leaving her beautiful home behind, and doesn’t want to cause any ill will. She’s brand-new and doesn’t want to make an etiquette mistake.

GENTLE READER: Of course. But neither does she want to be paired for life.

Miss Manners supposes that you or she could solve this by telling a manager that she would like to move around for her meals, so that she could meet people. She can also tell the gentleman that she enjoyed meeting him, and hopes they will someday share another meal, but that being new, she wants to spend mealtime meeting everyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)