DEAR MISS MANNERS: I manage and play for a men’s softball team. It involves a lot of work, time and tribulation to ensure enough players come to the games, and that the right players do so (not everyone is capable of pitching).

A player who joined a year and a half ago committed to coming several times, but in the end did not arrive, and did not even tell us that he was not coming. Once, we called him from the field -- thinking maybe he got caught in traffic and would be five minutes late -- and he informed us in an indignant way that he was working at the office and could not come.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Jordan?”

“Well, *I* have to work,” he said. “I don’t know about the other guys; maybe they have schedules that allow them a lot of time off.”

I took him off the email list. Who needs the grief?

My co-manager, however, still had faith. He asked Jordan to come to a practice, and bet me a beer that he would come through. He had promised him twice, after all.

Guess who won?

I sent Jordan a text message that night, saying, “Thanks for the beer.” That’s all. Didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names, nothing like that.

Oh boy, was Jordan angry and insulted. He messaged me back with an indignant “I was at work until 9:30 at night,” and the next day left a voice message demanding an apology.

He called me a few days later and told me he didn’t like my attitude, and that he thinks I don’t want him on the team. Truth is, I’m not so hot about it, but there have been times when we could have used him. So I told him that he says one thing, and doesn’t follow through. We can’t manage a team like that.

Should I apologize to him for that text message? Should I ignore him, like he did us? I don’t really want him on the team, as it has become more trouble than it’s worth, but should I allow him to “repent” and rejoin?

GENTLE READER: You have pitched Miss Manners softball questions (you can pass off the taunting as kidding) rather than the hard one to which you really need an answer.

She is not the one you need to convince not to let Jordan back on the team, a decision you have already reached on your own. You need to convince your co-manager, and herein lies the challenge. The reason both corporations and sports clubs give for establishing policies about attendance and behavior is so that everyone knows what is expected of them -- and what the punishment is for noncompliance. A level playing field, as the saying goes.

Those policies, not coincidentally, also absolve managers of making excruciating decisions. Work out general rules with your club and co-manager -- how many absences lead to a suspension, how long a suspension lasts, and so on -- and apply them in each specific case. This will also help you avoid childish arguments over whether someone’s reasons for being perpetually absent without warning are, or are not, morally superior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend invites you and your significant other to dinner at a very expensive restaurant for your birthday, is it proper manners to order what you want regardless of the cost? After all, my friend said, “Order what you want.”

Or should you try to be cognizant of the cost and order one of the less expensive items, because it’s about the celebration, not the food?

What are the “rules” for your significant other? Could they also order what they want, or do they need to be MORE cognizant of the cost because it is not their birthday? We also do the same thing for my friend when it is his birthday.

GENTLE READER: When a host says, “Make yourself at home,” do you loll around in your pajamas, go through the drawers and help yourself to the contents of the liquor cabinet?

Miss Manners apologizes if this seems an indictment of how you behave at home. No doubt you are fastidious, and anyway, she isn’t watching.

She only means to point out that such hospitable phrases are not to be taken literally. You both should order something you want that is within a reasonable range. No $1,000 bottles of wine, even if it is your birthday. That holiday does not come with the license to suspend the rules of considerate behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a friend who had a destination wedding last year. Now the couple is having a bridal shower and another wedding in the state they live in. Is it right to have a bridal shower when you have been married for almost a year?

GENTLE READER: This is not a wedding, but a rerun, and Miss Manners advises you to be wary of how far back your friend intends to rewind events. You might want to stop before she gives herself a high-school graduation party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has just transitioned to a lovely rest home. She was very excited about the beautiful new facility and gourmet meals.

During her first stop at the restaurant, before she was served, the staff wheeled over an elderly, deaf man and asked if it would be all right if he joined her. Of course she answered yes, it being her first time in the restaurant.

She would like to make friends there and not create any disharmony, but this gentleman now believes he is her constant dining companion. Last night he said, “I will see you at lunch.”

Mom is a lovely, vivacious woman, who is well-traveled and interesting. What should she do? She’s considered joining a table of ladies as soon as she enters the room. She is still jangled by her transition and leaving her beautiful home behind, and doesn’t want to cause any ill will. She’s brand-new and doesn’t want to make an etiquette mistake.

GENTLE READER: Of course. But neither does she want to be paired for life.

Miss Manners supposes that you or she could solve this by telling a manager that she would like to move around for her meals, so that she could meet people. She can also tell the gentleman that she enjoyed meeting him, and hopes they will someday share another meal, but that being new, she wants to spend mealtime meeting everyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two and a half years ago, I married my boyfriend after four years together. We had a small, 70-person wedding -- an intimate black-tie affair in an old house, with fantastic drinks and food. He and I paid for the entire wedding on our own.

My favorite aunt never got us a gift (and neither did several other family members and friends, actually). They all attended the wedding and rehearsal dinner. My aunt’s political views do lean to conservative, and a few ignorant comments she’s made have been repeated to me by other family members; however, they have never been about me. She attended our wedding and was very sweet and positive. My aunt is also very wealthy, so money is not an issue.

Do I need a gift from her? No, of course not. Does it make me feel less than loved because she skipped me and not my siblings? I can’t help it. It does. And now every time I see any of them, this thought slowly creeps its way into my head: Did they not give me a gift because I’m gay and they did not consider our wedding a real wedding?

Now my aunt’s son is engaged, and he and his fiancee are preparing what we refer to as the Gigantic Texas Wedding. Pre-party, showers, dinners -- all “gifted” affairs. I hate that the idea of not getting him a gift has crossed my mind. I know she’d figure it out then. I will, of course, do what is appropriate in that regard and get a gift. My mother taught me long ago that even if you don’t attend, it’s still nice to send something small.

It still nags at me that there were so many people who came to our wedding and did not give us any gifts. Some were family members, and some were even our gay male friends. It was all people who are close to my husband and me -- not distant relatives.

Even today, I can’t figure it out. Would it seem that we’re mean people, or that they dislike us? But they came to the wedding, and it was a fantastic time. I DO try to focus on that, I promise.

Most of the others I’ve forgotten about, but I see my aunt often. We get along so well. I still think about it -- not about the gift itself, but more about the “why” she did not give one. Does she really dislike us, and fakes it when she’s around us?

Ha. Reading this over, I think maybe it’s one for my therapist!

GENTLE READER: Right-o. Miss Manners is glad to have been of help in clarifying that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to eat dumplings in a soup?

GENTLE READER: Very, very slowly. And if the dumpling does not give when you carefully sink the side of your spoon into it, Miss Manners advises giving up. The idea is to avoid the beach-ball-in-the-pool effect of merry splashing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)