DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response for, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

I was confronted with this a while back, and believe me -- the wearer’s looking fat had nothing to do with the poor dress.

Had I said “yes,” she would have had a fit. Had I said “no,” I would have been lying. I said, “What a lot of pretty colors in that dress,” which I’m sure masked nothing. What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: “No.” Common kindness and courtesy aside, Miss Manners notes that you admit this would not be a lie. To wit: “The wearer’s looking fat had nothing to do with the poor dress.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend’s family, and I am not sure how to approach paying for my share. My boyfriend assures me that I am not expected to pay for anything, but I am uneasy about it.

It’s one thing to let his family pick up the cost of our lodgings, since I am an invited guest, but I would feel uncomfortable with their paying for other things, such as movie tickets or restaurant meals. How do I decline any offers they might make for these smaller expenses without being rude, especially if they insist?

While I make little money, I am in my late 20s and can’t help feeling infantilized when others refuse to let me pay my way -- and dismiss my protests -- especially for the small stuff. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I’m not! However, it’s important to me to be recognized as an adult, and for me, part of being an adult is being taken seriously when I say, “I’ll pay for myself, but it was kind of you to offer.”

I’m afraid they might find this off-putting, but I know I will be annoyed and hurt if my wishes are ignored, even if they mean well. And I would be extra horrified if I did not pay for something when they thought I should; they are already being plenty generous.

I am not particularly well-acquainted with his family, so I’m not sure how they will react. I want to make a good impression, while still being true to what I think is right. Am I being overzealous and insecure, or does my plan of action sound reasonable?

GENTLE READER: Your concern sounds reasonable, but your plan needs some work.

A large part of being an adult is considering the feelings of others, even if that sometimes means putting aside your own.

Squabbling over every movie ticket is not likely to leave the impression you want. When a payment comes due, offer to contribute, but accept a refusal graciously. You may even lessen the obligation by asking if you may host specific events -- taking the family out for dinner towards the end of the visit, for example. And Miss Manners assumes that you will pen an extremely charming letter, perhaps accompanied by flowers, immediately upon returning home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a healthy, strong, 62-year-old woman. I fly frequently on business. Because of the frequency, I get upgraded to first class about half the time. Most other people in first class are men; it’s usually upwards of 80 percent.

There is an expectation when deplaning that people exit by row. This nearly always happens gracefully and amicably when I’m in coach. But in first class, when it is time to exit, I have experienced over and over again that I have to be somewhat pushy to enter the aisle when it’s my turn, as it were. If I’m not very quick and pushy, I get pushed past by men in rows behind me. Frequently! If I’m on the aisle, I engage in the apparently expected pushiness so that I don’t hold back the person next to me in the window seat.

Is there a way to handle this, other than just quietly enduring it? I admit that I wonder if I’m the one being rude, by perhaps being too meek.

GENTLE READER: Really? First-class men are pushier than economic ones? Is that how they got to where they can afford ridiculous airfares?

Rather than offering a sociological report, Miss Manners suggests that you learn to say “excuse me” in the polite but commanding way of a strong, healthy (or any other) passenger.

You could also plop your carry-on bag in the aisle the second you hear that ping of permission.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you deal with people who come up and start gushing away, while you are standing there thinking, “Who in the world are you?”

I am a veteran teacher, and most of the time, it is a student or maybe a parent from 20 or 30 years ago. Sorry, but I don’t remember them all, and even if I do remember the kid, the overweight adult who is talking bears little resemblance.

GENTLE READER: But you loom large in their eyes, and it would be sad to disillusion them.

Miss Manners’ own dear mother was a teacher who addressed this problem in a bizarre way. Observing, over decades of teaching, that given names run in fashions, she would assess the age of the former student and apply that era’s most common name.

Thus, once faced with the parent of a student from what she remembered as the “Stephen and Michael” period, she asked charmingly (she thought), “And how is Stephen now?”

“You mean Michael,” the parent replied coldly.

Miss Manners does not therefore recommend this approach. Another of her mother’s attempts would be to say, “Didn’t you go by a nickname?” in the hope of receiving a reply such as, “No, I’ve always been Zachery. Not many people called me Zach.”

Of course, they could say, “Well, as you see, no one can call me Fatty any longer.” To which you would reply, “Do people address you formally now?” getting a response of, “No, they just call me Kevin.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small company. Ten folks in my office: seven males and three females. Daily, when lunchtime approaches, the males (including our boss) pop into various offices saying, “Who wants to go to lunch today?” -- ALWAYS excluding the female co-workers.

I find this practice extremely sexist and want to scream from the treetops! Their ages are between 28 and 43, not that it should make a difference. Am I being too emotional in being so offended by this practice, or should I speak up?

GENTLE READER: Are you seriously telling Miss Manners that the females are sitting around waiting for the males to invite them out?

Of course you should speak up. Not to berate your colleagues, but to ask them who wants to go to lunch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Invitations to my grandson’s wedding were sent out a few weeks ago. The envelope contained two invites and an RSVP card. One invite requested our presence at the wedding reception at 6:30 p.m. The other, in a small, open envelope, said “CEREMONY: please join us at 5 p.m.” Same place, same day. The RSVP card, which I already handed to the bride-to-be last week, asked if we were attending, and how many.

I had assumed that all who received invitations, received “all” the invitations. I just found out the other day that many did not receive the one to the ceremony.

Is this something new? Some guests are invited to the ceremony -- same day, same place -- and some have to wait around and just attend the reception? When I discovered this just the other day, I learned that my other son was not invited to the ceremony, even though he and my daughter-in-law are paying to fly in to attend the wedding.

GENTLE READER: You are a young grandmother, Miss Manners gathers. And thus you do not remember that, far from being a new custom, this is an old one that has been abandoned for sensible reasons.

Before most weddings were the huge pageants they are today, held in exotic and usually expensive places, it was not considered offensive to hold a small wedding ceremony and invite guests only to the reception. Or even to invite people to the ceremony, but not the reception. The guests lived in town, and were not devoting their entire day, much less vacation time, to the event.

But now so much more is expected of wedding guests in the way of time, money and travel that excluding them from the ceremony, which could involve stranding them in a strange town, seems insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help resolve the following. In an effort to be a “true gentleman,” shouldn’t a man open the door for all ladies in his presence, be it the car door or any other door?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but good luck getting to the car door before the lady hops out. Miss Manners guesses that a scarcity of gentlemen has taught ladies to fend for themselves -- or spend the evening in the parking lot.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)