DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I have played party bridge for many, many years with several different groups. One group has only two tables of four women, for a total of eight women, whom they call the “regulars.” My mother and I are substitutes and fill in when asked.

Lately, when a regular cancels, we are called, only to be called back the following day and told, “Oh, so-and-so decided to play after all, so I won’t need you.”

I find this rude and in poor taste, don’t you? This has happened several times recently. I hoped that bridge etiquette would address this.

GENTLE READER: Bridge player though she is, Miss Manners has never understood players who interpret the rules as barring the door to anyone whose friends do not come in exact multiples of four. Has the dummy not noticed that at least one person will always be sitting out in every hand? Of all sports, bridge is particularly amenable to socializing.

Better to rotate the extra person in between rubbers than to rescind an invitation. But if the seriousness of the players absolutely requires consistent teams, then the regulars should be instructed that telling the hostess they are unavailable can no more be taken back than a thoughtless lead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sitting with a group at a restaurant table, is it considered the height of rudeness to abruptly interrupt someone while he or she is announcing his or her food order to a waiter or waitress?

Such was a serious problem I had several years ago. While I was telling a waiter what I wanted to eat, a nervy woman in our group interrupted me, snapping in front of everyone, “You should order something else!”

I was never so humiliated in all my life! I was so overwhelmed that I did not know what to say. I was dumbstruck. I gave her a dirty look, but she only looked at me and the others and laughed in my face, not caring that she upset me. To me, that is no way to act in what my mother calls “polite company.”

I wish I had said to her, “If I want your help, what do you say you lemme ask for it!” How would you have dealt with a situation such as this one?

GENTLE READER: Not by returning thoughtless rudeness with snide rudeness.

Miss Manners infers from your reaction that the woman’s injunction contained an implied criticism, perhaps to your selection’s being, in her mind, unhealthy. She understands why you might feel annoyed, but reminds you that you are surely not the only one at the table who noticed this person’s rudeness.

The correct response is to ignore the interjection entirely by firmly completing your order, and then resuming a prior conversation with other members of the party. By making your displeasure clear, you will enlist the help of polite company in embarrassing the nervy woman -- rather than rewarding her by acknowledging her openly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer kindness and condolences to someone who has experienced a tragedy as the result of their own poor choices (e.g. legal troubles, reckless motor accident, etc.)?

I realize this is no time for a lecture, and I do not want to give one -- I simply want to offer kindness and help. But it seems trite to say “I’m so sorry X happened” when X was obviously a result of the person’s own lack of forethought or good judgment. However, it seems borderline delusional to just ignore it.

GENTLE READER: The proper way to offer kindness and condolences -- without giving a lecture, which would almost certainly be unwelcome -- is to do so.

You know that the person made poor choices. Given the results, he likely knows he made poor choices. Miss Manners now knows he made poor choices. The only delusion would be in thinking that one cannot be aware of something without being bound to give voice to it at every opportunity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father’s family lives in another state, and it takes almost a full day to drive there. When we visit, we stay with his sister, who then extends open invitations to all other family members in the area to come and see us anytime. Dinner is usually included in that invitation.

Many of my aunts, uncles and cousins drive over to visit, but a handful do not -- and then make comments about how we never come to see them. Should we be expected to drive to each and every relative’s residence when we visit? Or is it too much to expect our nearby relations to come see us when their schedule permits?

GENTLE READER: Depending on circumstances, it may or may not be too much to expect nearby relations to come to you (or, in this case, to your aunt’s). But it is not too much for them to extend an invitation if they want you to come to them. Such an invitation could easily have been made when they were turning down your aunt’s. Miss Manners does not give even partial credit for their merely complaining after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I stuck my head into the office of the owner of a retail establishment. I wanted to thank him for something, and his wife had suggested that I stop by his office, where he was having lunch. I walked in with my hand out, saying, “Thank you ...” (I am a lady.)

He neither rose from his seat nor extended his hand. He merely said, “I don’t shake hands when I am eating.”

While I appreciate his hygiene, am I wrong to feel insulted? I’m quite sure soap and hot water were available for cleaning himself before resuming his meal.

GENTLE READER: This man’s hygiene is hardly commendable when it becomes an excuse for rudeness. If he truly felt unable to shake your hand, he could have simply apologized, nodded and smiled at you. Miss Manners hopes for his sake that he never finds himself in the presence of late-arriving dignitaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach Sunday school with three other ladies at my church, but I have never socialized with them outside of church. One of the ladies is pregnant and I’ve been e-vited to the shower. I replied with the “maybe” option.

At church on Sunday, one of the ladies approached me and asked if I wanted to split an expensive shower gift three ways. The two had picked a gift and asked if I could pay a third of the price.

I really didn’t want to, and mumbled my way through an explanation of how I owe taxes this year and I’m trying to be extra careful with spending right now -- which isn’t untrue, though technically I could afford it. I just don’t particularly like the woman having the baby (she has never once made an effort to talk to me about anything unrelated to Sunday school, and is pretty rude) and I would rather conserve my money for another purpose.

I feel humiliated for having said that I can’t afford it, guilty for my quasi-lie, and confused as to whether socially I really owe this woman a gift. I’m not going to be able to attend the shower, as it turns out. I guess I just wish they hadn’t asked me.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners recommends tempering negative reactions and harsh opinions with a touch of kindness, a certain type of reader invariably accuses Miss Manners of encouraging the sin of lying.

But most of the time, there is no need to offer any excuse, much less a false one. Just as the hostess of this shower need only be told that you regret that you cannot attend, those suggesting the joint present could be answered with “No, thanks, but that’s nice of you to do this and I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Just don’t accuse Miss Manners of immorality because you don’t feel regret and you don’t think the present is nice. The only sins she sees here are your availing yourself of a “maybe” option to an invitation, and their offering it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received some flowers from my husband, which were delivered to the reception area at my workplace. After our receptionist let me know that I had a delivery, she then began to tell me that she never gets flowers and that maybe she might get flowers when she died.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Her comment took away some of the joy I had after receiving such a thoughtful gift.

How should I have handled this? Other than thanking her for accepting the delivery, is there anything else I should have said?

GENTLE READER: There is something you could still do: Send or bring her flowers, with a note of thanks for the job she is doing.

Miss Manners is not suggesting this only out of kindness. It should also cause the receptionist to realize that at best, the what-about-me response only evokes pity. And it should ensure you that future deliveries will be handled efficiently.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)