DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer kindness and condolences to someone who has experienced a tragedy as the result of their own poor choices (e.g. legal troubles, reckless motor accident, etc.)?

I realize this is no time for a lecture, and I do not want to give one -- I simply want to offer kindness and help. But it seems trite to say “I’m so sorry X happened” when X was obviously a result of the person’s own lack of forethought or good judgment. However, it seems borderline delusional to just ignore it.

GENTLE READER: The proper way to offer kindness and condolences -- without giving a lecture, which would almost certainly be unwelcome -- is to do so.

You know that the person made poor choices. Given the results, he likely knows he made poor choices. Miss Manners now knows he made poor choices. The only delusion would be in thinking that one cannot be aware of something without being bound to give voice to it at every opportunity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father’s family lives in another state, and it takes almost a full day to drive there. When we visit, we stay with his sister, who then extends open invitations to all other family members in the area to come and see us anytime. Dinner is usually included in that invitation.

Many of my aunts, uncles and cousins drive over to visit, but a handful do not -- and then make comments about how we never come to see them. Should we be expected to drive to each and every relative’s residence when we visit? Or is it too much to expect our nearby relations to come see us when their schedule permits?

GENTLE READER: Depending on circumstances, it may or may not be too much to expect nearby relations to come to you (or, in this case, to your aunt’s). But it is not too much for them to extend an invitation if they want you to come to them. Such an invitation could easily have been made when they were turning down your aunt’s. Miss Manners does not give even partial credit for their merely complaining after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I stuck my head into the office of the owner of a retail establishment. I wanted to thank him for something, and his wife had suggested that I stop by his office, where he was having lunch. I walked in with my hand out, saying, “Thank you ...” (I am a lady.)

He neither rose from his seat nor extended his hand. He merely said, “I don’t shake hands when I am eating.”

While I appreciate his hygiene, am I wrong to feel insulted? I’m quite sure soap and hot water were available for cleaning himself before resuming his meal.

GENTLE READER: This man’s hygiene is hardly commendable when it becomes an excuse for rudeness. If he truly felt unable to shake your hand, he could have simply apologized, nodded and smiled at you. Miss Manners hopes for his sake that he never finds himself in the presence of late-arriving dignitaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach Sunday school with three other ladies at my church, but I have never socialized with them outside of church. One of the ladies is pregnant and I’ve been e-vited to the shower. I replied with the “maybe” option.

At church on Sunday, one of the ladies approached me and asked if I wanted to split an expensive shower gift three ways. The two had picked a gift and asked if I could pay a third of the price.

I really didn’t want to, and mumbled my way through an explanation of how I owe taxes this year and I’m trying to be extra careful with spending right now -- which isn’t untrue, though technically I could afford it. I just don’t particularly like the woman having the baby (she has never once made an effort to talk to me about anything unrelated to Sunday school, and is pretty rude) and I would rather conserve my money for another purpose.

I feel humiliated for having said that I can’t afford it, guilty for my quasi-lie, and confused as to whether socially I really owe this woman a gift. I’m not going to be able to attend the shower, as it turns out. I guess I just wish they hadn’t asked me.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners recommends tempering negative reactions and harsh opinions with a touch of kindness, a certain type of reader invariably accuses Miss Manners of encouraging the sin of lying.

But most of the time, there is no need to offer any excuse, much less a false one. Just as the hostess of this shower need only be told that you regret that you cannot attend, those suggesting the joint present could be answered with “No, thanks, but that’s nice of you to do this and I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Just don’t accuse Miss Manners of immorality because you don’t feel regret and you don’t think the present is nice. The only sins she sees here are your availing yourself of a “maybe” option to an invitation, and their offering it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received some flowers from my husband, which were delivered to the reception area at my workplace. After our receptionist let me know that I had a delivery, she then began to tell me that she never gets flowers and that maybe she might get flowers when she died.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Her comment took away some of the joy I had after receiving such a thoughtful gift.

How should I have handled this? Other than thanking her for accepting the delivery, is there anything else I should have said?

GENTLE READER: There is something you could still do: Send or bring her flowers, with a note of thanks for the job she is doing.

Miss Manners is not suggesting this only out of kindness. It should also cause the receptionist to realize that at best, the what-about-me response only evokes pity. And it should ensure you that future deliveries will be handled efficiently.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am divorcing my husband due to his emotional abuse. Members of his large family have all immediately ceased contact with me. I understand this is typical, but we were close for over a decade, and their complete ostracism of me has been painful.

I wonder how best to react, should we run into one another accidentally in the future. Knowing them, I would anticipate they would be friendly and will pretend goodwill, and will say things like, “We should have lunch!” -- when, of course, they don’t mean it for a second. I, of course, will be polite and smile, but the thought of such a scenario sickens me.

What are good manners for dealing with people who pretend to be positive toward you, but have actually hurt you deeply? They will expect a smile from me, and pleasure to see them, but it will truly be a painful moment for me.

GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they said something cutting to you? Or cut you dead?

Sincerity is not always the most bearable approach in an emotionally difficult situation. Miss Manners agrees that it would be preferable to omit the luncheon suggestion if there is no such intention, even though that expression has become a conventional way of conveying goodwill without commitment.

But although the manners you describe may be insincere, surely they are preferable to the possible sincere manners between estranged people who may harbor thoughts that are best not aired.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a teenage girl belonging to a large family. Often, at social events or brief meetings, acquaintances and friends will compliment me or one of my siblings, but address the comment to my parents.

Sometimes, I will be with one of my parents, and someone will approach and comment: “Your eldest daughter is so beautiful” (or some such kind compliment). They are speaking to my parents, but they are speaking of me, and are aware of my presence.

I do not know how I ought to reply. On one hand, they are addressing my parents, and interrupting is impolite; yet on the other hand, they are complimenting me, and it is polite to receive compliments graciously.

This has happened several times, and I wish to meet such kindness properly. Sometimes I offer a demure smile, blushing, and dip my head. Other times I murmur thanks such as, “Oh, how kind of you,” warmly, and then retreat so they can converse with my parent. I don’t think either is quite rude, but please tell me the most polite response.

GENTLE READER: Not only are you handling this gracefully, but you are preparing yourself for a lifetime of recognition for any success you may achieve.

Whether you go on to win an Oscar, a Medal of Honor or a Nobel Prize, Miss Manners assures you that such modest dipping of your head, along with murmured thanks and, if you can achieve it, a blush, will further charm those who admire you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)