DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach Sunday school with three other ladies at my church, but I have never socialized with them outside of church. One of the ladies is pregnant and I’ve been e-vited to the shower. I replied with the “maybe” option.

At church on Sunday, one of the ladies approached me and asked if I wanted to split an expensive shower gift three ways. The two had picked a gift and asked if I could pay a third of the price.

I really didn’t want to, and mumbled my way through an explanation of how I owe taxes this year and I’m trying to be extra careful with spending right now -- which isn’t untrue, though technically I could afford it. I just don’t particularly like the woman having the baby (she has never once made an effort to talk to me about anything unrelated to Sunday school, and is pretty rude) and I would rather conserve my money for another purpose.

I feel humiliated for having said that I can’t afford it, guilty for my quasi-lie, and confused as to whether socially I really owe this woman a gift. I’m not going to be able to attend the shower, as it turns out. I guess I just wish they hadn’t asked me.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners recommends tempering negative reactions and harsh opinions with a touch of kindness, a certain type of reader invariably accuses Miss Manners of encouraging the sin of lying.

But most of the time, there is no need to offer any excuse, much less a false one. Just as the hostess of this shower need only be told that you regret that you cannot attend, those suggesting the joint present could be answered with “No, thanks, but that’s nice of you to do this and I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Just don’t accuse Miss Manners of immorality because you don’t feel regret and you don’t think the present is nice. The only sins she sees here are your availing yourself of a “maybe” option to an invitation, and their offering it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received some flowers from my husband, which were delivered to the reception area at my workplace. After our receptionist let me know that I had a delivery, she then began to tell me that she never gets flowers and that maybe she might get flowers when she died.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Her comment took away some of the joy I had after receiving such a thoughtful gift.

How should I have handled this? Other than thanking her for accepting the delivery, is there anything else I should have said?

GENTLE READER: There is something you could still do: Send or bring her flowers, with a note of thanks for the job she is doing.

Miss Manners is not suggesting this only out of kindness. It should also cause the receptionist to realize that at best, the what-about-me response only evokes pity. And it should ensure you that future deliveries will be handled efficiently.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am divorcing my husband due to his emotional abuse. Members of his large family have all immediately ceased contact with me. I understand this is typical, but we were close for over a decade, and their complete ostracism of me has been painful.

I wonder how best to react, should we run into one another accidentally in the future. Knowing them, I would anticipate they would be friendly and will pretend goodwill, and will say things like, “We should have lunch!” -- when, of course, they don’t mean it for a second. I, of course, will be polite and smile, but the thought of such a scenario sickens me.

What are good manners for dealing with people who pretend to be positive toward you, but have actually hurt you deeply? They will expect a smile from me, and pleasure to see them, but it will truly be a painful moment for me.

GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they said something cutting to you? Or cut you dead?

Sincerity is not always the most bearable approach in an emotionally difficult situation. Miss Manners agrees that it would be preferable to omit the luncheon suggestion if there is no such intention, even though that expression has become a conventional way of conveying goodwill without commitment.

But although the manners you describe may be insincere, surely they are preferable to the possible sincere manners between estranged people who may harbor thoughts that are best not aired.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a teenage girl belonging to a large family. Often, at social events or brief meetings, acquaintances and friends will compliment me or one of my siblings, but address the comment to my parents.

Sometimes, I will be with one of my parents, and someone will approach and comment: “Your eldest daughter is so beautiful” (or some such kind compliment). They are speaking to my parents, but they are speaking of me, and are aware of my presence.

I do not know how I ought to reply. On one hand, they are addressing my parents, and interrupting is impolite; yet on the other hand, they are complimenting me, and it is polite to receive compliments graciously.

This has happened several times, and I wish to meet such kindness properly. Sometimes I offer a demure smile, blushing, and dip my head. Other times I murmur thanks such as, “Oh, how kind of you,” warmly, and then retreat so they can converse with my parent. I don’t think either is quite rude, but please tell me the most polite response.

GENTLE READER: Not only are you handling this gracefully, but you are preparing yourself for a lifetime of recognition for any success you may achieve.

Whether you go on to win an Oscar, a Medal of Honor or a Nobel Prize, Miss Manners assures you that such modest dipping of your head, along with murmured thanks and, if you can achieve it, a blush, will further charm those who admire you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I extend an invitation, and the response I receive ends in “but I think I’ll pass,” I find it a bit rude. Am I being oversensitive? Is that a perfectly acceptable response?

If you decide to respond with “Thanks for the question, but I think I’ll pass,” I will never stop laughing.

GENTLE READER: Tempting. But Miss Manners is in full agreement with you. This phrase might be one of the rudest she has ever heard. Not only is it nastily dismissive, but its implication is that the invitation does not live up to the recipient’s standards -- or that the issuer is hiding something better. Either way, Miss Manners suggests you take a pass on extending further ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are friends with a couple who live about an hour away from us. Whenever they invite us to their home for dinner, they always ask us to stay the night as well (presumably because of the long drive). While I believe this is a generous gesture, sometimes I would just rather sleep in my own bed.

I know that I can decline if I wish. My problem is that when we invite them to our house, they expect that it includes an overnight stay, and they don’t usually leave until noon the next day. I am getting tired of the notion that a dinner invitation necessarily includes overnight accommodations.

Am I being unreasonable to think that an hour isn’t too long a drive at 9 or 10 at night, and that people can temper their alcohol intake accordingly?

GENTLE READER: Probably, yes. Try as you might (and Miss Manners has mightily tried), you cannot control other people’s actions. You can only control how you issue the invitations.

“We would love to have you and Horace over for supper, but we are afraid that we have an early morning the next day and must make it only for the evening.” And if another date is suggested: “And that night too.” “And that night too.” “And that night too.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After years of therapy, I made the choice to end all contact with my mother. It has been almost five years since I’ve spoken with her. On occasion, I run into people who know us both, but are unaware of our circumstances; they will ask how she is or tell me to tell her they said “hello.” I also had the experience of a new colleague, whose mother I have met, asking me a question about my mother.

How would you recommend I respond to these questions? I do not want to launch into the entire saga with acquaintances, nor do I want to mislead them into thinking she is no longer with us.

GENTLE READER: Those who have your mother’s information can be told, “I’m sure she would love to hear from you directly.” Those who do not can be given suitably vague descriptions of what you do know, before changing the subject: “I haven’t spoken to her for a while, but I hear that they are having an unusually dry summer out there. How has the summer treated you?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)