Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This past winter, I stopped going to most of my usual activities to try to avoid catching the flu. I was successful until the end of February, when I caught something (ironically, not the flu) that put me in the hospital for a week.

I’m still not able to resume normal activities because of medication side effects, and the condition that developed may be permanent. I am very upset -- understandably, I think.

I can’t prove it, of course, but my guess is that I caught the “something” from a worker at a small local business (the one-person post office) who was very ill, which I discovered when I took a chance and went in there about three days before I got sick.

At the time, I commented to her that she should have stayed home, and she pleasantly agreed that maybe she should have. I’m thinking that she probably infected more people, although hopefully without the extreme issues I experienced.

I would very much like to communicate this to the worker, but I don’t know whether it’s really possible or appropriate. I’m not planning on going to that location again, but I don’t think that would be significant to her.

Can I, and should I, report this to the worker? It’s a real-life example of why people should stay home when they are sick, but nobody pays any attention anyway!

GENTLE READER: And what if you are wrong? How do you plan to prove it?

While Miss Manners is sorry that you got sick -- and agrees that contagious people should, to the best of their abilities, avoid being out in public -- she finds the need to target Patient Zero unpleasant as well as unprovable. Also, there is no way to gauge how one person may be differently affected by another’s symptoms.

In the unlikely event that you run into this postal worker again, you might say, “Oh, I hope your sickness did not turn out to be as bad as mine -- and that you didn’t have to miss too much work. I was in the hospital for days.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the lovely people at my workplace want to show their appreciation of my work, they give me a gift card to a well-known online company that is rapidly putting independent booksellers out of business.

My husband runs an independent bookstore. The folks at my work know what my husband does, but have clearly not put two and two together to realize that this gift will make me deeply unhappy and give my husband ulcers.

What would be the best way, in my thank-you letter, to express appreciation for their generosity while requesting that in future, they choose virtually any other gift in the world -- or none at all?

GENTLE READER: Most online book companies inexplicably sell things other than books. If this one does, you could say in your letter, “We greatly look forward to using this card for novelty sweets or toys for our dogs.”

If questioned about why you would not want to get books, Miss Manners recommends you say, “Oh, my husband already owns an independent bookstore. Happily, we can get everything we need there.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been to several places with little kids who are making rude remarks to many adults, including myself, such as “You cannot stay at the table,” “I don’t like you,” “I’m going to shoot you,” “Why do you put your hands on your hips?” and many other inappropriate things, as well as inappropriately touching adults.

Whenever I tell the parents, they say things like, “Don’t take her literally, she’s only 2 years old,” even though people say that one should take all threats seriously. Also, when I was a child, I was always taught things like, “You never insult an adult,” “You never touch an adult,” and “You never correct an adult.”

Is there a reason why parents do not teach their little kids manners these days, and why they can get away with everything?

GENTLE READER: It is Miss Manners’ impression that the people who say “One should take all threats seriously” intend to instill extra, not unreasonable, caution. In these days of both routine gun violence and routine hyperbole, one must constantly distinguish between the two.

Setting aside the possibility of imminent harm from a 2-year-old, Miss Manners agrees with you that parents should teach children good manners -- if not because it is the right thing to do, then because parents are learning that they often are held accountable for the misbehavior of children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, at the small college where I work, my department took our three student workers out to lunch to thank them for their hard work. There are 28 other student workers in our building who work in other departments, and they receive gift bags during the holidays (as do our student workers), but due to logistics and finances, they did not get taken out to lunch.

This year, we’d like to take our student workers to lunch again, but we found out that the other student workers were unhappy that they did not get taken out. It has been suggested that we refrain from taking our workers out, as well.

Do you agree that this is the right thing to do? We feel bad that the other student workers are upset, but also that we aren’t able to show appreciation for ours.

GENTLE READER: Employee perceptions about the importance of fairness are powerful. They can trump more tangible benefits: Employees who receive significant raises still feel aggrieved when a less hardworking colleague receives more; and they may even accept cuts more readily when times are hard if the pain is shared evenly.

But this need not automatically curtail your lunching. Every employer has someone who feels aggrieved.

Do you see a real inequity? If the college works hard to ensure that student workers are treated equally in all areas, then perhaps it is time to find a less conspicuous way to thank your workers. If differences among departments are generally known and understood -- and there is a belief that “it all works out in the end” -- then one lunch more or less can be swept aside with the crumbs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two friends go out for breakfast, each ordering eggs, toast and coffee. The total bill is $20. They agree to leave a 20 percent tip ($4) for the fast and friendly service.

The following week, the same two friends go across the street to a comparable restaurant and again order eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast. This time, the total bill is $22.

When it comes to deciding the tip, one friend suggests that the tip should be the same as last week, 20 percent ($4.40). The other friend reasons that because the food, the service and the dining experience were essentially the same, the total amount paid, $24, should be the same, meaning a $2 tip. This friend further reasons that if the restaurant owner is charging 10 percent more for the same meal, the staff should be compensated accordingly higher.

When all other factors are essentially equal, should comparative meal costs factor into tip consideration?

GENTLE READER: Although she dislikes any business system that makes tipping necessary by underpaying staff, Miss Manners recognizes that tips are, by custom, based on a fraction of the bill. They therefore rise in step with the price of the meal.

This is not, however, your problem. Your problem is that the fraction to be paid is not fixed, and your friend and you disagree on how strictly to apply the percentage you nominally agree upon.

The simple answer is for each of you to exercise your own judgment in setting your portion of the tip, which, if Miss Manners’ math is correct, would have been $1 plus $2.20, which she is reasonably confident comes to $3.20.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m not wealthy, but I’m quite well off and need nothing. Rather than give me gifts, several members of my family observe milestones in my life by donating to charities of their choice in my name.

I appreciate the thoughts and always thank them appropriately. In recent years, however, one couple has begun donating to charities that are anti-gay, to say the least, and they know that I am gay.

Am I under any obligation to thank them? Would it be considered rude to tell them I find such a donation in my name to be very inconsiderate?

GENTLE READER: Although she has always disliked substituting cash or donations for genuine gift-giving, Miss Manners is growing especially weary of the recent rash of criticism-disguised-as—a-present.

Whether her weariness manifests as hostility or irritation -- and what response she recommends to you, the recipient -- depends on the giver’s intent. Was it to insult? Or were they unaware of, or indifferent to, yet one more company that pairs a good product with bad corporate citizenship?

The former may deserve the note you suggest; but the latter requires a more moderate tone, tempering thanks for the (good) intention with a compassionate explanation of your concern.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)