DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a man asked if I would date him, I politely declined his request. I told him that we could still be friends. Since then, he has been acting as if we are in a serious relationship. He has been calling me “hon” and putting his arm around me. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. How do I tell him I am not interested and still be kind?

GENTLE READER: There is only one response that this man would consider kind, and he does not merit it. Miss Manners recommends instead a noticeable coldness, including saying “Please don’t touch me,” as being both more deserved and more effective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and sister-in-law are very kind to me, letting me stay at their house for visits, inviting me to their children’s birthdays and so on. But what on earth do I do when they have asked me to one of the children’s parties, and it turns out the mother-in-law is hosting?

They don’t tell her I am coming, and she is always surprised to see me. Half the time they don’t tell me it isn’t their party either, or my brother swears up and down he will tell her and then just mentions it casually after she’s walked in the door. (The parties are usually held at my brother’s house and are informal, with MIL bringing food and presents for the children.)

Once, she took them out to a restaurant, and they took me along as an uninvited guest. I was completely mortified that they not only didn’t tell her, but that they didn’t tell me they hadn’t. I tried to pay for my share, but she refused. I tried to write her a thank-you note, but my brother refused to give it to her or to give me her address, saying only, “I know she doesn’t mind! She just is startled to see you, that’s all.” (Sister-in-law supports him in this.)

Poor MIL tries to be nice about it, saying, “Oh! You’re here! It’s always a pleasure to see you, but Ethan didn’t mention you.” I always feel completely mortified and somewhat used, since Ethan usually only invites me to keep an eye on the kids. I just want to know if there is anything I can say to MIL, or to Ethan when this happens again.

GENTLE READER: It is time to fire Ethan -- not as your brother, necessarily, but certainly as your go-between with his mother-in-law.

As it sounds like you will be thrown together with her soon enough, Miss Manners recommends a private talk in which you express your gratitude for past favors, your embarrassment at being an unexpected encumbrance -- and your need for an address to which to post thank-you letters. If she is as gracious as you believe, the result may well be a new, warm family relationship, free from unintended slights. She is no doubt familiar with the ways of her daughter and son-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to pre-empt people from coming to visit at the hospital?

Last time I was in the hospital, my boss and his wife came to see me. I was horrified! After three days without a shower and looking and feeling my worst ever, I was totally humiliated. I will never be able to look him in the eye again.

Another friend came and stayed for over an hour in spite of my hints and then outright pleas that I wanted to be alone. The next day she showed up again, and I totally lost it, telling her, “Out! Out!”

Now I’m scheduled for another hospital stay, and people are already asking which hospital I’ll be in. I’ve said that I appreciate their kindness, but don’t want visitors. I fear this is falling on deaf ears.

GENTLE READER: And you show your appreciation by shunning your boss (do you plan to quit your job?) and shouting at your faithful friend?

There are special polite social protections and leeway granted to hospital patients. You can ask the staff to say that you cannot have visitors, without the need to specify that it is because you don’t want them. You can post a sign on your door saying “No visitors allowed.” And if they get past these barriers, you can still fall asleep during a visit, or announce the intention to do so by saying, “Forgive me, I am afraid that I am supposed to be resting.”

Miss Manners wishes that you will recover your health, but also that when you do so, you will still have a job and some friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be an assumption now that a mother will pay a sitter when she goes on a date. But growing up in the ‘80s, it was my understanding that the mother’s date would pay. Should someone offer to cover the sitter when asking out a single parent?

GENTLE READER: Really? Was it as recently as that when there were enough single mothers of young children dating so as to establish rules about costs?

In any case, there was no such rule. It is true that the customs of courting costs have changed. But that is in regard to the costs of the event itself.

Formerly, it was awkward for polite ladies to reciprocate, by pretending to have been given theater tickets or staging an occasional home-cooked meal. Although gentlemen were supposed to pay the bills incurred during the date, it was never the case -- as some ladies still like to maintain -- that their guests were entirely free of obligation.

But each was always supposed to meet the respective costs of preparing for the date -- clothes come to mind -- and Miss Manners imagines it would be awkward for a gentleman to offer to pay for the sitter, unless the couple were beyond the mere dating stage. It would be unseemly for the lady to expect this.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe that, in casual conversation, asking someone to pass an item by saying, “Could you get that for me?” and then saying “thank you” when it was received was acceptable. My husband feels that this is rude, and that every request must include a “please.”

People I’ve asked agree that simply asking, and then ending with a “thank you,” is fine, but my mother-in-law very pointedly corrects our children for doing this when asking each other for things.

Is it possible that my own dear parents taught me incorrectly, and I’ve been inadvertently being rude my whole life, and now have passed this on to my children? Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: Thank you, but would it still be appreciated even if it means telling you that your own dear parents taught you incorrectly and you have been inadvertently being rude your whole life and have now passed this on to your children?

And, as a bonus, that those you have queried are equally wrong?

Miss Manners prefers to believe that you misunderstood your parents. Otherwise they would be the first progenitors in history actively to instruct their children not to say please when making a request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the funeral of a very dear person who was a founding member of the church I attend, I approached the deceased’s sister outside the church prior to the start of the service. I attempted to hug her and express my condolences. The sister all but recoiled, stating that she was not accepting any displays of condolence because it was “too upsetting” to her. Another family member, who was standing nearby at the time, just looked at me with a kind of “what-can-you-do?” expression on her face.

I was stunned and somewhat embarrassed because other people standing near enough heard her say this. I have not seen this person since the funeral about one month ago, and I am still a little rubbed about her behavior.

Should I be? She even made a remark to the effect that she knew her niece -- the deceased’s daughter -- would probably hear about it and be upset with her, but that she didn’t care.

GENTLE READER: Thus both admitting and defending being rude to you.

Although we try to make allowances for the emotional state of those in fresh mourning, that does not include hurting other mourners by repulsing condolences. On the contrary, the immediately bereaved should be representing the deceased to those who also feel their loss.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees that you should be a little rubbed about this behavior. And that for the sake of your late friend, you will now let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a man saying when he wears shoes without socks? Is this appropriate in formal settings (i.e. weddings, church, business meetings)?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps that he cares more about being comfortable -- or in this case, Miss Manners would imagine, uncomfortable, if he is wearing proper shoes -- than being dressed for the occasion.

But Miss Manners also asks herself what it says about those who are peering down his pant legs to notice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)