DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it all right to brush a child’s hair at the breakfast table, or is that a no-no? We are often in a rush at breakfast to get our children to school on time.

GENTLE READER: Rules for the family breakfast table are more relaxed than for more formal occasions. But Miss Manners still prefers to separate grooming from eating -- rather than having to separate hair from cereal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding shower for my nephew’s bride-to-be. She had registered at a very nice store for her gifts.

I was unable to attend the shower, and spoke with a sales consultant over the phone, who narrowed the choices to my price range. She took care of the details on mailing.

It was a lovely gift, sent directly to the bride. A few days before the shower, the mother of the groom (my sister-in-law) texted me to chastise me for not having the gift wrapped. Apparently, because of the new couple’s small apartment, packages were mailed to my sister-in-law’s house, though addressed to the bride.

My sister-in-law was not hosting the wedding shower, but she texted that she would wrap the gift “for me.” I replied “thank you,” though it was very upsetting.

I looked at the registry on my computer, and the bride had left a note stating “please do not add gift-wrap.” Some couples are preferring this option for the sake of the environment, or simply to save their guests a fee.

I texted my sister-in-law about the wrapping request on the registry and her response was, “I didn’t know they cared about the environment.” No apology for opening a package not addressed to her. No apology for chastising me about the lack of gift-wrapping.

I sent a lovely gift that the couple had registered for, and got grief!! Would you please review gift etiquette? Especially with new trends with young couples.

GENTLE READER: Happy as she would be to review the relevant etiquette, Miss Manners fears it would not solve your problem: Neither the bride, nor you, were in any way remiss.

Your sister-in-law, by contrast, is guilty of at last one etiquette violation -- if not also of the almost-as-serious crime of tampering with the mail. When you received the first text, you had the opportunity to thank your sister-in-law for the offer to wrap the gift, while pointedly explaining that it was unnecessary since the bride had requested that gifts not be wrapped. Follow-ups after that are, as you discovered, unlikely to have much impact.

What remains is to prevent the exchange from coloring your relationship with your niece-in-law -- and to learn to be wary in future dealings with your sister-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 20-year-old wanting to follow manners more closely and inform others in my age range.

What is the proper first-date invitation timing? I remember as a kid being told not to accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday. So should a first-date invitation be given out/accepted for two days or more later?

GENTLE READER: Your honesty about how you intend to apply Miss Manners’ advice makes her leery of offering any.

Correcting one’s friend’s manners is not only rude, but also likely to diminish their numbers. While there is no definite rule about how far in advance a date must be proposed, Miss Manners thinks that would-be suitors who cut it too close are liable to learn that someone else has beaten them to it. She has no objection to your leaving them with this impression -- even if it is not strictly true -- in the hopes that they will plan ahead next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can one say that sounds like “congratulations,” but is perhaps a bit like offering condolences?

My friend has just volunteered for an unpleasant and difficult job at a large organization we’re both active in. It is the sort of job that involves telling people “no” to things that they believe are reasonable, except that they are not in possession of relevant confidential information.

I happen to know that he offered to do this solely because he learned that the few original candidates were entirely unsuitable for a position requiring sensitivity and tact.

Why he volunteered, however, is not public knowledge. In theory, he is honored that they chose him after interviewing many excellent candidates.

What can I say to him (in public) that will sound like “Congratulations, you must be so pleased to win such an important position” (especially if the people who were not chosen, and who might be feeling disappointed or rejected, are within earshot), but that actually means something closer to “You poor thing, I’m so sorry that you got stuck with this miserable, time-consuming, friendship-destroying, soul-sucking job, even though I agree with you that the other candidates were impossibly unsuitable”?

GENTLE READER: Much as she likes a good challenge, Miss Manners wonders why it is necessary to convey all of this information in a single, public pass. Is your friend planning to make his new duties easier by relocating to an office across town, where neither you, nor anyone else, is likely to see him again? She also wonders what is accomplished by conveying your agreement that the other candidates were unqualified, other than to demonstrate that you have inside knowledge.

Those, however, were not your questions. Approach from an angle that puts you facing your friend but leaves your back to the other inhabitants of the room. Move in close, shake his hand, and say, “Congratulations. That’s wonderful that you got the job. There were so many qualified candidates. It’s a challenging assignment.”

So long as no one else can see you roll your eyes when you speak of the “many qualified candidates,” or smirk at “challenging assignment,” Miss Manners will not report you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I went to the shoe store to return a pair of shoes he bought that were too small. He was a little nervous about it. It all went well, and he was able to get them in a larger size.

As we left, he thanked the saleswoman and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I’m thinking this is inappropriate. Am I wrong? I know he was just trying to be gracious.

GENTLE READER: Let us suppose that it had been your unaccompanied father exchanging shoes, and then expressing his satisfaction with the transaction by kissing the saleswoman.

Would you even be asking this question?

Miss Manners is guessing that you would be too occupied trying to explain to the police that this was only his way of saying “thank you.” Perhaps if the report were being taken by a female police officer, he could express his thanks to her as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow, and find it quite distressing when I receive mail addressed to me as “Mrs. John Doe.” Since I am no longer married, what is the proper address? I hate the term Ms., and I usually just use my first name and (married) last name when signing correspondence.

Other times, I receive mail addressed to my first and last name with Mrs. as the title. Since I’m not married to myself, this seems incorrect. I’m at a loss as to how to ask people to address me. I have other widow friends who are also wondering the same.

GENTLE READER: You are a bit hard to please. And pleasing individuals was the intention of allowing people a range of choices in how they are addressed.

It’s not working. Rather than increased tolerance, it has led to unilateral denunciations of other people’s choices, and unreasonable anger on the part of people who considered themselves insulted by one or more of the available forms.

Miss Manners means you. You hate them all.

“Mrs. John Doe” is the traditional form for a widow, which is now grandmothered in for those who prefer it, but inappropriate for use in the professional world.

“Mrs. Lily Doe” is a common, if admittedly puzzling, variation generally associated with divorcees.

The revival of “Ms.,” a centuries-old abbreviation of “mistress” -- a title that used to be respectable and universally applied regardless of marital status, in the way that “mister“ still applies to males -- was supposed to solve the issue.

But you hate it. Fine. Miss Manners is saddened at the removal of courtesy in addressing people, but don’t ask her to invent something else for you to hate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are people expected to let a host know they are not able to attend a function, or just let them know if they plan to attend?

GENTLE READER: Are you so annoyed at people who propose to entertain you that you are seeking permission to ignore them unless you happen to want to take advantage of an opportunity?

Miss Manners would have thought that common sense and common decency would make you feel that meeting hospitable offers with silence is rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)