DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died at the age of 80. He was a highly esteemed professor emeritus, and I will be hosting a celebration of his life in a facility on campus. There will be two dozen speakers, followed by a reception with food and wine during two hours on a Friday afternoon.

From correspondences received after his death, it appears that there will be perhaps 200 people attending this function, many of whom will travel significant distances, even fully across the country.

My son feels that there should be an after-party for those who are from very far out of town. I, too, feel it will be awkward for people who have traveled long distances to be abandoned, but feel overwhelmed as to how this might be arranged.

GENTLE READER: There is no formula for determining when to stop once an event, any event, has grown beyond the range of the local bus routes. Brides, having presumably lost their heads once over their husbands-to-be, are oddly susceptible to losing it a second time over the celebrations. The ceremony and reception are supplemented by possibly necessary information about local accommodations, which becomes group hotel purchases, which become lists of local restaurants, which become after-parties, which become other local entertainment, which become bridal trips to the water park the day after.

But in spite of the nomenclature -- ”celebration of life,” “after-party” -- yours is not such a happy occasion. There is a mourner -- you -- whom the other mourners (note Miss Manners does not say “guests”) are there to support, not burden. State funerals are multi-day affairs, but they are also not planned by the grieving widow. It is up to you to decide how much additional entertaining you can do, and up to the attendees to respect your decision.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws frequently gift us with physically large gifts for our young children. These have ranged from extremely large toys to a nice kids’ table and chairs that we really just don’t have room for, and frankly don’t want.

I understand they are being very generous, and in the past, I’ve just said “thank you” and tried to work it in. The problem is this stuff is just so big that it’s piling up, and it’s also obvious if we’ve gotten rid of it.

Is it ever appropriate to talk about gift-giving before or after gifts have been given? Does it matter that these are my husband’s parents, whom we have a good relationship with, and also that these are gigantic presents? If we’re to say nothing, do I just act evasive when they ask where the trampoline is? And what do I tell my kids to say?

GENTLE READER: The size can be an asset instead of a liability. Identify a fixed, preferably prominent, location as the Grandparents’ Gift Corner. When next year’s gift arrives, remove and replace last year’s. Miss Manners trusts that the reverence thus given to each year’s gift -- as well as the logic behind the arrangement -- will blunt any questions about the accumulating pile in the basement.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine told me that her 19-year-old daughter had received a gift (on no special occasion) of a Tiffany necklace and pendant from a man she had been dating for two months.

My immediate reaction is that my mother would have made me return such a gift as inappropriate. My friend doesn’t see this as a problem, and I can’t find anyone else who understands my mother’s rule on the subject. Is it outdated now?

GENTLE READER: Speaking of outdated -- is it possible, in the light of recent public revelations, that the mother of a teenager believes that there are no strings attached to such a present?

Of course, she should have known anyway. But Miss Manners presumes that the “outdating” that you suggest refers to the naive belief that all relations between the genders should be carefree, and that power -- in this case in the form of money -- is not a factor. Surely that has been dispelled.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are invited to a formal wedding. It will be a fun evening. I was thinking of wearing a white dinner jacket. My wife says “no,” and that I should stick with black and not stand out.

She’s probably right, but I still think it would be fun to wear white. What do you think of white dinner jackets, in general?

GENTLE READER: That they are fine for waiters and band members with summer engagements. And that “fun” is not a proper guideline for a gentleman’s appearance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to not return a “hi” to a co-worker who has abused you terribly?

GENTLE READER: Technically, the “cut direct,” as this is known, is recognized within the manners realm as an extreme weapon. It means that the person is not recognized as being in the world of civilized behavior. If Hitler tries to shake hands with you, you turn your back and walk away.

You should know that a lesser weapon is possible, which is to respond coldly and curtly. This would seem better in regard to people with whom you still have to work. But as you have not told Miss Manners the nature of the abuse you suffered, she does not know if the nuclear weapon is justified.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy cooking and entertaining, and have always honored guests’ dietary restrictions at my table as they are brought to my attention (vegetarian, vegan, food allergies, etc.). Recently, I have been asked in both personal and professional settings to provide special foods for guests’ weight-loss regimens. Is this reasonable?

GENTLE READER: If you are prepared to cook individually tailored meals for everyone who asks, you should be in the restaurant business.

It is not that Miss Manners believes that one shouldn’t make a reasonable effort to accommodate one’s guests. Nowadays, it is advisable to ask in advance if they have any food restrictions and to vary the dishes so that no one goes hungry.

But guests also have a responsibility to be accommodating. If their restrictions are such that they cannot manage a meal unless it is specifically tailored to their requirements, they should eat beforehand and attend for the sociability.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband works at an institution where there is a chancellor and a president. What is the correct title to use for the wife of the president?

I would have thought “first lady,” but isn’t that how you would address the wife of the chancellor?

GENTLE READER: Even the wife of the president of the United States has no official title, no matter how often she is referred to as first lady. That is something that President Kennedy’s wife tried in vain to avoid, pointing out that “First Lady” sounded like the name of a horse.

And with the ersatz title, expectations have arisen about what duties a first lady -- of whatever job her husband holds -- should perform, regardless of her inclinations, skills or other priorities. That many generously comply should not make it compulsory for all.

Miss Manners urges you to drop and discourage the notion of such wifely titles. If the wife of your chancellor or president is a professor or a doctor, use that title in addressing her. Otherwise, the correct protocol at all levels is to address her as “Mrs.” or “Ms.” with her surname.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were invited to a “bridal couples’ shower” as friends of the groom’s parents. I take pride in trying to find the perfect gift.

After we arrived, the mother of the groom asked us if we would mind if the gifts weren’t opened during the shower. She said the couple was “too shy to open gifts in front of everyone.” She added that we would receive a very nice thank-you card.

I was surprised and disappointed, as I would have liked to see them open our gift. Is this the norm for our upcoming newlywed generation?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary -- these young people grew up with the ritual of children opening birthday presents in front of their guests, and many have concluded that it should be abandoned.

It depends too much on the young host’s being able to express gratitude, even if disappointed and in case of duplicates, and on the guests’ being able to suppress envy. In addition, it sets up an implied rivalry among the guests.

So while these are behavioral lessons to be learned, Miss Manners approves of using the occasion instead to teach how to entertain and be guests and to write letters of thanks.

That your grown-up friends are skipping this questionable ritual seems sensible to Miss Manners. It should not have been necessary for the mother to explain that appreciation of your present would be expressed in a letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, her husband, my husband and myself ordered carryout dinners from a restaurant where my friend’s husband does free plumbing work, and the restaurant, in turn, will give him free platters.

I offered to pay for my husband’s and my part of the order, and my friend said no. I felt bad, so I insisted she take it, but again was told no. If my friends were not charged for the carryout, should I be obligated to pay?

GENTLE READER: You are obligated, but not to pay. It disturbs Miss Manners that so many people believe that money is the only way to pay social obligations. Your friends have entertained you, and the way to reciprocate is by inviting them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)