DEAR MISS MANNERS: After several years and several thousand dollars invested in treatments, my husband and I have accepted that we are highly unlikely to conceive children naturally. We always planned to adopt and/or foster children later in life; however, this development led us to move up our timeline.

We have been practicing answering inquires regarding whether we have children with a simple, “Not yet.” However, some relatives, friends and even a few acquaintances (such as co-workers in my small office) know we are experiencing infertility.

Now, when people learn we are in the process of becoming foster/adoptive parents, we are often met with unsolicited stories of miraculous pregnancies that occurred once a couple “stopped trying so hard” and decided to adopt. Typically, the subjects of the story are a cousin’s dentist’s nephew, or some such distant acquaintance. Sometimes the stories are told without any awareness of my infertility -- perhaps folks assume, due to my age, that our pursuing adoption must mean I am infertile.

We believe these people mean well and generally don’t know what else to say when faced with the issue of infertility, which is still a bit of a taboo topic. We believe they want to impart a sense of hope and perhaps also ease their own discomfort.

However, these stories tend to have the opposite effect on me. I have worked hard to cope with the grief of infertility. Some days and situations are very difficult for me, but I do my best to put on a brave face and remember the world does not revolve around my inability to reproduce.

My typical response to these miraculous pregnancy-after-adoption tales has been to smile, nod, and say something along the lines of “How wonderful for your relative/friend/dentist’s nephew.” I find this to be a better response than to roll my eyes and groan, although doing so would more accurately convey my internal feelings.

I’m afraid if I wish to discuss our plans for adoption, or my infertility (which I believe to be important, in order to lessen the taboo and the sense of isolation so many infertile individuals feel), I must also endure these stories. However, I wonder whether Miss Manners approves of my kind-but-not-inviting-further-discussion response.

GENTLE READER: It is not your duty to promote awareness at the cost of your privacy. Politely refusing to discuss your plans except amongst trusted intimates is undoubtedly your best defense. Acknowledgment, with no further encouragement for those who offer advice or share stories, is perfectly acceptable.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners is left to wonder what response these helpful bystanders hope to elicit -- and to ponder the icky and contradictory implications of “not trying so hard.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Being a moderate aficionado, when you are asked to bring an appropriate wine pairing for the appetizers and main course at a partial potluck, is the wine considered a gift to the hostess to become a part of her cellar? Or, like the dessert brought by other guests, is it to be opened and enjoyed by all?

GENTLE READER: Once you bring an item to be consumed at another person’s house, it stays there, whether or not actual consumption takes place. If you are worried about guests not being able to enjoy the wine in your presence, Miss Manners recommends that on this occasion, you become slightly less an aficionado.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was out on a double date, my date and the other couple used a knife and fork to eat pizza and nachos. I thought that these were literally finger foods.

GENTLE READER: These people should not run for public office. Not only are nachos finger food, but Miss Manners has trouble imagining how one could eat them with a fork and knife. A spoon, perhaps.

How to handle pizza will depend on the formality of the restaurant. There is no ban on being more formal, but it seems unlikely that three people made that choice independently. More likely, someone started and everyone else followed.

If so, it will be important to know whose idea it was before you open the conversation at your second date by poking fun at the other couple’s pretensions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is 61 and refers to women of all ages as “girls,” and even worse, calls seniors “old girls.”

I’ve tried for years to get him to change how he describes women, but to no avail. No amount of wincing or obvious discomfort on my behalf has any effect on him.

Besides, he says, these terms were not considered disrespectful when he was growing up, and he refuses to change and be “P.C.”

How do I react when he speaks this way in groups in which we are both included? I’m resigned to his ways in private, but not objecting to them when others are around may sound as though I’m complicit with his terminology, and I certainly am not. We may be siblings, but we do not share the same perspectives.

GENTLE READER: Having herself been around in the old days, Miss Manners can assure your brother that calling men “men” and women “girls” was never a sign of respect, even when no one objected.

Even if your brother’s memory were correct, it would not justify current rudeness. Rather than wince in private and contemplate speaking up in public, you would do better to speak up in private and wince in public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most of our family cookouts are potluck style. Since we have the biggest, most kid-friendly yard, we end up hosting most of them.

We supply the meat and several other dishes that won’t travel well. Usually, other family members will commit to bringing other things, like salad or sweets. This is always appreciated by me and everyone else.

One kind and somewhat older relative brings a whole watermelon and expects me to cut it up so everyone can enjoy it. But after cleaning my house before the cookout and running around making sure everyone has fresh drinks and what-not, I really don’t feel like excusing myself and attempting to cut a whole watermelon! It’s a tedious and messy job, and to do it while trying to host? No thanks!

I would rather this person not bring anything at all. Is there a polite why of expressing: Either bring a fruit salad or something else that is ready to go?

GENTLE READER: Family potluck cookouts are not, as a rule, formal affairs. Miss Manners therefore offers a simpler, less confrontational solution: Locate the nearest strapping young relative, hand him or her a knife, and ask that person to do the honors outdoors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a 100th birthday party for my late grandmother’s recently reconditioned piano. The guests will be other classical musicians and singers.

As usual, when we all get together and there’s a piano nearby, some people like to play or sing. I’ll engage a pianist, too. (No tip jar!) As hostess, I’ll refrain from singing unless we all get silly and, as a group, sing “Happy Birthday to Miss Wellington-Cable!”

Now I know one should never encourage or discourage gifts in an invitation for a person. But as this type of party is (hopefully) unique, I think many people may wonder whether to bring a gift for an inanimate object.

I’m leaning towards keeping to the usual “no gift mention at all” rule. However someone tells me I need to make an exception “because nobody will know what to do for a piano’s birthday!” I figure I can say something when people reply, as they usually do in the South, with, ”May I bring anything?”

Am I leaning the right way or am I “out of tune” here?

GENTLE READER: Re-examining the reasons behind etiquette is always welcome, never more so than when new situations arise.

In this case, however, the original reasoning still applies, namely that it is impolite to assume one is going to receive a present, and therefore one should not provide instructions on the point.

Miss Manners would not wish to presume that given your piano’s age, you will not be sending follow-up questions about wedding plans and baby showers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be moving soon, and would like to send out moving notices to friends and family. However, part of why I’m moving is because I’m also getting divorced.

Now, of course, my family and close friends know this already. There are several friends, however, who may not know.

Is there any way to convey this on the moving notice without it being, for lack of a better word, weird? Do I just list my name and my two children on there and hope that gets the message across?

GENTLE READER: There is a logic to using a single stamp when announcing all the things you are leaving behind, but a divorce and a move are not similar enough to share an envelope -- no matter how much you loved the house and how little you loved the spouse.

People with whom you are close enough to share personal information will need to be told explicitly about the divorce. For others, Miss Manners agrees that a card with the names of those making the move satisfies the requirements of etiquette. But be prepared for one or two follow-up questions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whose spouse and three children call her several times a day. Although she has made plans with me, she will answer the phone in the middle of a lunch/dinner date, coffee visit, etc.

I have explained I think it is rude to interrupt a conversation to accept a call or text. She insists it could be an emergency, every time. What else can I say?

GENTLE READER: “Was it an emergency?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)