DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 13-year-old son is lucky enough to have a large group of friends. Two, in particular, stay at our house all weekend, almost every weekend. They are good boys with excellent manners.

The problem? It’s overwhelming, financially and logistically, to feed two extra boys every weekend. I work nights as a nurse, my husband has a demanding job, and we have four sons (one of whom is a toddler).

I once asked the parents to pick their children up mid-weekend because we were overwhelmed, and one of the fathers told his son that we “didn’t want him there.” Because our house is so busy, we often get takeout, but even cooking for these boys is becoming too much for my budget and my time.

I don’t want to hurt the boys’ feelings, but I’d like the parents to contribute financially or by offering to help feed the boys. How do I do so without repeating what happened last time I asked the parents for help?

GENTLE READER: Every weekend? Don’t these parents ever see their children?

Miss Manners recommends that you politely point this out: “We love having the boys over, but you must miss them when they are gone every weekend. If you want to work out a schedule so that we can share the pleasure, that would be wonderful.” That they should be reciprocating is a given, but it may be more effective to prey on their parental embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past, I have given expecting co-workers a baby gift. In the unfortunate event that the mother suffers a miscarriage, sometimes the gift has been returned to me. Other than expressing my sincere sympathy again, what should my response be?

I understand that the mother might not want the reminder of the loss (for instance, keeping the gift for a future baby), but I also have no use for it. I would not feel comfortable giving these items to another person, especially someone the mother might know, where she might see the gift used. These gifts are chosen -- or sometimes handmade -- for that particular mother/baby.

What’s best for the grieving parents to do with gifts in this case? And what’s the best response to the mother for a returned gift under these circumstances?

I have been donating the items to charity. Would it be appropriate to tell them, or let the charity notify them, that this was done in memory of their child? Not for me to get “credit,” but as a comfort that their child’s loss at least benefited another.

GENTLE READER: Generally, presents that are given for a specific event should be returned if the event does not take place. But given the circumstances, Miss Manners hopes that grieving parents will be forgiven if that does not happen.

Present givers should not expect them back, nor should they go into detail about plans for items that are given back but are not returnable to a store. Donations made in their name, however well-intentioned, are in questionable taste at best. That is a decision that should only be made by the mourners.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the grocery store, I was walking down a narrow aisle with my cart, keeping to my side of the aisle. While you could fit two carts passing side by side, it would have been a tight squeeze.

I was two-thirds of the way through when an older woman approached the aisle. She saw me coming, backed up a few steps, and moved aside for me to pass through. I smiled and nodded and continued on, out of her way.

As I passed, she irately yelled, “YOU’RE WELCOME!!!” at my back. Reflexively, I turned and said “Thank you,” but as I walked away, chastising myself for being rude, I began to question who was in the wrong in this scenario.

I had the right of way, since I was already in the aisle; I didn’t need or ask her to step aside, as we both could have fit through; stepping aside and waiting was her preference, and I obliged her by quickly getting out of her way so she could proceed comfortably.

Doesn’t she, in fact, owe me a “thank you,” if one is owed at all? Also, wouldn’t my smile and nod have sufficed in a situation of mutual convenience?

Miss Manners, I pride myself on etiquette and manners, and this situation has been eating at me for far longer than it’s worth.

GENTLE READER: To thank is polite; to demand thanks is rude. Miss Manners therefore declares that this etiquette competition is nullified. But she wonders why you would want to pursue the opponent’s way of thinking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been generous with tips, particularly to restaurant servers. As a teenager, I would bring my baby-sitting money to sneak onto the table and supplement the somewhat miserly tips left by my father. (He insisted then, and still does, that 5 percent is acceptable and 10 percent is generous.)

Now, as an adult in her 30s, I tend to tip over the standard. Unless there was an issue with the server, I typically tip 30 percent. I understand that I give more than the typical amount, and have no issue with those who give less.

I run into trouble, however, when out to dinner with other people. My dining partners almost always ask, “What are you tipping?” and lean over the table to look at the ticket I am completing.

When I respond honestly, they act either embarrassed or upset (for tipping less) or they lecture me for the amount of my tip. When I refuse to answer, they seem suspicious.

What is the best way to respond to the question, “What are you tipping?”

GENTLE READER: “A cow and three chickens. How about you?”

Demanding disclosure of financial decisions is not polite. Miss Manners recommends that you reply to those seeking it, “Oh, I probably overdo it, but I know what it’s like to have student loans and fast food for dinner.”

And for any companions you suspect need more specific help, you might add, “Can you believe that my father used to think that 10 percent was generous?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while back, I needed a bed for emergency housing for a long-term houseguest. A friend of mine offered to let me borrow an extra box spring and mattress. (I offered to pay her for the rental, but she refused.)

The guest came for three months of medical care and then went home. The mattress was in the same condition as when it arrived in my home.

When I called my friend to make arrangements to return her bed so that I could have my living room back, her response was, “That’s OK. You can just hang on to them.”

This went on for six months. I would call her and thank her for the borrow, again, offer her money and explain that I wanted my living room back. She would insist that she was fine with the current arrangement.

So, the last call I made, I asked her to pick a time and date for me to deliver her mattress in the next 30 days, stating that if I didn’t get a time to return her property, I’d get her a donation receipt from a charity.

She hung up on me. Two hours later, she appeared at my door to take her mattress back, didn’t say a word, wouldn’t allow me to help her with carrying it, and hasn’t spoken to me since. While I am still grateful that she came through with the help I needed, was it wrong for me demand the use of my living room?

GENTLE READER: We are all aware that one good deed deserves another and that two wrongs do not make a right. But nowhere, in the algebra of cliches, does one good deed cancel out a bad one.

If your friend needed a temporary home for her mattress, she need only have asked -- and it might have been difficult for you to refuse. But she did not, leaving you little choice but to do what you did. Miss Manners awards you extra credit for being polite throughout, and for remaining grateful for the original favor in spite of the subsequent behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy cooking and have a reputation for being a good cook. Often guests ask for the recipe of a dish they just had.

I have no interest in keeping my recipes secret, but the truth is, I rarely follow recipes, so I have nothing to give them. I can try to re-create a dish and write down the ingredients and techniques, but this is very time-consuming. I’m happy to do that, but only if the person is sincere in wanting to prepare the dish.

How can I tell? To say, “It’s going to take me a long time to write down a recipe, so are you really sure you plan on making this?” seems rude.

GENTLE READER: It does. Miss Manners prefers a friendly demonstration of the difficulty delivered in a slightly ditzy way: “You know, I improvise my recipes. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you how much oregano is in there.”

Those who persist can be presumed to be serious -- assuming your attempt to parry the request has not planted doubts about what they just consumed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)