DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while back, I needed a bed for emergency housing for a long-term houseguest. A friend of mine offered to let me borrow an extra box spring and mattress. (I offered to pay her for the rental, but she refused.)

The guest came for three months of medical care and then went home. The mattress was in the same condition as when it arrived in my home.

When I called my friend to make arrangements to return her bed so that I could have my living room back, her response was, “That’s OK. You can just hang on to them.”

This went on for six months. I would call her and thank her for the borrow, again, offer her money and explain that I wanted my living room back. She would insist that she was fine with the current arrangement.

So, the last call I made, I asked her to pick a time and date for me to deliver her mattress in the next 30 days, stating that if I didn’t get a time to return her property, I’d get her a donation receipt from a charity.

She hung up on me. Two hours later, she appeared at my door to take her mattress back, didn’t say a word, wouldn’t allow me to help her with carrying it, and hasn’t spoken to me since. While I am still grateful that she came through with the help I needed, was it wrong for me demand the use of my living room?

GENTLE READER: We are all aware that one good deed deserves another and that two wrongs do not make a right. But nowhere, in the algebra of cliches, does one good deed cancel out a bad one.

If your friend needed a temporary home for her mattress, she need only have asked -- and it might have been difficult for you to refuse. But she did not, leaving you little choice but to do what you did. Miss Manners awards you extra credit for being polite throughout, and for remaining grateful for the original favor in spite of the subsequent behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy cooking and have a reputation for being a good cook. Often guests ask for the recipe of a dish they just had.

I have no interest in keeping my recipes secret, but the truth is, I rarely follow recipes, so I have nothing to give them. I can try to re-create a dish and write down the ingredients and techniques, but this is very time-consuming. I’m happy to do that, but only if the person is sincere in wanting to prepare the dish.

How can I tell? To say, “It’s going to take me a long time to write down a recipe, so are you really sure you plan on making this?” seems rude.

GENTLE READER: It does. Miss Manners prefers a friendly demonstration of the difficulty delivered in a slightly ditzy way: “You know, I improvise my recipes. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you how much oregano is in there.”

Those who persist can be presumed to be serious -- assuming your attempt to parry the request has not planted doubts about what they just consumed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m married, with two young children. When our kids ask my wife a question and she is doing something else (watching TV, looking at her cellphone), she does not respond or acknowledge them.

Is this proper etiquette, or is it just being rude? Is the proper thing to acknowledge the child, and tell them you will speak with them in a moment, as you’re busy?

GENTLE READER: No one enjoys being interrupted. Etiquette recognizes this, and balances the potential damage to the activity against the importance of the interjection.

Disrupting laundry-folding is different than interrupting someone blowing glass. Doing so to find out what’s on the calendar for next week is different than reporting that the house is on fire.

Debating where on the spectrum “Have you seen the car keys?” falls is one of the major activities of married life.

But context is also a factor. The breakfast table is a familial, social setting. In that case, Miss Manners disallows pleas of an important work email taking priority. All this aside, is this really the example your wife wants to set for children who will someday be teenagers?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin started dating again after many years of being divorced. It’s the first time since then that he feels comfortable being with someone. We like his new girlfriend; she is very pleasant and sweet. She moved in with him a couple of months ago.

Our family is very close. We’ll visit him about twice a month, and vice versa. During their last visit to my house, she took off her shoes and put her feet on my couch. She positioned herself where she sits on her feet, so that they are tucked in the cushions.

I was taken aback, and my first reaction was to look at my mother, who was also visiting; we just exchanged looks. I am usually a direct person, and normally I would’ve said something, but I didn’t want to just blurt out what I really wanted to say: “Get your feet off my couch!”

I’ve been told that I can come across as insensitive, but I honestly don’t mean to be. I noticed she sits like that in their house, so I am afraid that she’ll feel comfortable to do it again at mine. What should I say the next time it happens?

GENTLE READER: Life was simpler when everyone understood that undressing in front of acquaintances -- even partially, and with ones you hope might someday be something more -- was impolite. But hosts who insist that guests leave their shoes at the door have muddied the waters, if not the floor.

Your cousin’s girlfriend no doubt thinks she is both “making herself at home” and respecting your couch (by taking her shoes off). The way to get her off the couch is to offer an alternative -- ”Would you be more comfortable in this chair?” -- one without sufficient room for drawing up one’s feet. But depending on how serious you consider her infraction, Miss Manners recommends you wait and see how permanent her company is likely to be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With sexual harassment in the workplace getting so much attention these days, imagine how much happier we would all be if hugging were not permitted among co-workers.

I am so tired of having my space invaded and feeling obligated to accept a hug. My skill at giving a light pat on the back or shoulder with minimal frontal touching is improving. However, a handshake can be equally affirming of one’s appreciation of another and is so civilized!

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Over the years, Miss Manners has watched the hug become increasingly separated from the emotion that is supposed to prompt it.

The bizarre notion that hugging should inspire affectionate goodwill, rather than express it, was promulgated in the pop psychology movement of the 1960s, perhaps not unrelated to chemical and erotic stimuli.

But then, in the inevitable yearning for respectability, it took on moral overtones. Promiscuous hugging was credited with demonstrating benevolence: a general love and acceptance of humanity. And it was touted as therapy: Hugging being an end in itself, it would bring comfort to the forlorn, no matter who administered it.

It was at this stage that Miss Manners encountered one of the leading gurus on the subject. Not traveling in such circles, she did not recognize him, although she knew that they were both scheduled to address a book convention. Imagine her surprise when he told the audience that just previously, alone on the elevator with her, he had decided that she needed a hug but refrained because he thought she might not take it well.

The idea was that surely any lady not so uptight would welcome a strange man’s grabbing her in the confines of an elevator.

And now that hugging has been degraded to mean nothing more than an ordinary greeting, other ladies, perhaps not quite so uptight as Miss Manners prides herself on being (now that she knows the standard), are also in danger of being criticized.

She agrees with you that the handshake is quite cordial enough for most situations, which would free the hug to mean something warmer. Meanwhile, she also recommends performing a slight wave in front of your face, accompanied by a regretful smile. The assumption will be that you have something catching, but so be it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a 60th birthday party, and “no gifts, please” was the message. My dear friends bought gifts nonetheless. However, since all invitations were done by email, I don’t have actual mailing addresses for many of the attendees. Should I ask their mailing address via email to send a (late) thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: It is an interesting sign of the times that you can have dear friends whose street addresses are unknown to you.

However, modernity has at the same time kindly provided us with online directories in which you can look them up. Miss Manners would consider that preferable -- and less work -- than the double correspondence you suggest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)