DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son borrows my car, and when I get into it afterwards, I can’t find my sunglasses, which I leave on the dashboard. I lost two pair in the same week.

He says it is my fault because I leave them on the dash and it gets on his nerves, so he doesn’t care where he puts them. I found one pair under the passenger-side front seat.

My husband sides with my son when I get on him. It’s my fault, they say, because I don’t put them where they belong when I get out of my car. HELP!!!!

GENTLE READER: As the recipient of a favor (the loan of your car), your son should expect to make reasonable accommodation to your preferences, returning it in the condition in which he received it. That includes restoring the seat position, occasionally refilling the gas -- and putting your sunglasses back where he found them. Miss Manners would have thought that the consequences of annoying his mother would be both self-evident and worth some minor irritation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a new friend, though we are not close. Her mother’s house burned down, and the friend has decided to throw a party, asking for donations from friends and acquaintances to attend, and to donate items to be auctioned.

She is a stay-at-home mom, and has recently talked of going back to work to help with expenses, but has not done so. Her kids are older; she could do it. She has not taken her mother into their home to live. She and her husband still have their membership at the country club, where the auction will be held.

I freely give what I can to a few charities each year, but I am having a really hard time with this. I feel it is inappropriate to ask friends and acquaintances to support a family member that you have not done everything possible to help yourself first. She even sent invites to my friends that are not her friends.

My husband and I have a few family members who could use help right now. And years ago, my aunt’s house burned down, and she never asked anyone for anything.

Am I crazy? I could never imagine doing what she and her husband are doing. I’d have my mom sleeping on the floor in my house if there was little room, and I’d help her as much as possible before I would ask friends and acquaintances to give money and donate items.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, self-fundraising, or what we used to call begging, has become widespread. Of course you should not be shamed into complying when you believe that your charity can be better directed.

But you raise an issue that Miss Manners believes should discourage people who do this. Ordinarily it would be none of your business how your friend lives her life -- whether she works, retains her country club membership or takes in her mother. But she has made it your business. And when donating to a cause, you are only being responsible by looking into how the charity is managed.

However, while we are being nosy, allow Miss Manners to suggest that you meant that YOU would sleep on the floor while giving your mother your bed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When, if ever, did someone decide it is appropriate to approach another person and ask for an item they own?

I know the dangers of smoking; everyone does. The gall of these people makes me want to give them one cigarette, just to shorten their life a little. Am I wrong resenting them, or can they just go on smoking without buying?

GENTLE READER: Asking for a cigarette and asking for your car are not morally equivalent -- unless the request is accompanied by the threat of force in case of noncompliance.

The difference is not only in the value of the requested item, but in the implication that it is incidental to a social interaction, such as huddling together in the cold, 15 feet from the building entrance. This means that “bumming a cigarette” as you run down the street would, indeed, be wrong.

But even allowable requests can be politely refused. What puzzles Miss Manners about your attitude is that you, too, must be a smoker, or you would not have a cigarette to bestow or withhold. Given the animosity that nonsmokers now routinely show to smokers, Miss Manners would have thought that some tolerance within the group would be a good investment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is about to become a bar mitzvah, so I sat with him to start the process of writing thank-you notes. He’s only received a few gifts so far, but I imagine he will get many, many more (we are anticipating just under 100 guests).

The one note that he managed to finish took a REALLY long time and had to be redone twice. His handwriting is not stellar, so he has to write very slowly to make it legible. How I wish, at times like this, that they still stressed penmanship in schools and didn’t rely so strongly on computers!

He said, “Wow, wish I could type these. Mom, why can’t I just type them?” Thus my question: How strong a breach of etiquette would it be for him to type the notes and then hand-sign them? I was always taught that a handwritten thank-you note is the ONLY way to go about these things, but in this case it will take forever!

Should I just lay down the mom-whammy and make him write them all, or is a typed note an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: Gratitude should expand (or contract) with the guest list: Your son’s debt to thank each individual guest is independent of how many stamps you will need to purchase -- or how much time it will take him to pen the notes.

Handwritten letters of thanks are a way of reciprocating the effort that guests took. So, yes, Miss Manners would advise your son to get to work. It is a valuable lesson for a young adult. The letters will get easier and shorter with practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an “airport boredom-relief kit,” consisting of crossword puzzles and an iPod loaded with novels, for use when I am traveling alone. When I arrive at my destination’s airport, I take public transportation to my final stop.

Is it considered rude for me to listen to a book, using headphones, during the ride from the airport?

GENTLE READER: The person who would have sympathized with your problem most was Miss Manners’ own dear mother. She claimed that her own mother had so impressed upon her the need to entertain others that if no one on the city bus was talking, she felt she ought to get them started.

You will be relieved to hear that she did not act on this, and that you carry this responsibility no more than she did. On public transportation, it is polite to allow people to amuse themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I suffered a significant injury to my left arm that has left me with limited dexterity in my left hand and wrist. This is not outwardly noticeable to others in most circumstances, and has not presented me with social problems until recently.

Last year, I accepted a job with a multinational firm that has me rubbing elbows with many foreigners, especially Europeans, who exhibit much more refined table manners than most Americans are accustomed to using.

However, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to hold and use a fork in my left hand. I tried switching the fork to my right hand and using the knife in my left hand, but I have similar difficulties. I continue to practice nevertheless, but I do not feel I am able to make much progress.

I also feel it isn’t proper to announce my physical limitation just for appearance’s sake. What should a person such as myself do in this situation, where it is important to make a very good impression at fine meals with colleagues?

GENTLE READER: If you want snazzy table manners, you should continue to use the ones you have.

Mind you, etiquette is not heartless, and allows some leeway to people with genuine difficulties. But that is not necessary in this case, because using the fork in the right hand was the older European method -- before things sped up there, with the fork kept in the left hand after being used with the knife to cut.

General use of the fork came late to most of Europe, and when people ate only with spoons -- or, even less attractively, with their knife points -- those implements were held in the right hand. When forks became common, people used those in the right hand as well.

And that was the method that was exported to America. It remained the custom while Europeans learned to shovel their food in faster.

In any case, Miss Manners urges you not to succumb to the self-deprecating view that American customs are inferior to foreign ones. As in this case, they may even be more traditional.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)