DEAR MISS MANNERS: When, if ever, did someone decide it is appropriate to approach another person and ask for an item they own?

I know the dangers of smoking; everyone does. The gall of these people makes me want to give them one cigarette, just to shorten their life a little. Am I wrong resenting them, or can they just go on smoking without buying?

GENTLE READER: Asking for a cigarette and asking for your car are not morally equivalent -- unless the request is accompanied by the threat of force in case of noncompliance.

The difference is not only in the value of the requested item, but in the implication that it is incidental to a social interaction, such as huddling together in the cold, 15 feet from the building entrance. This means that “bumming a cigarette” as you run down the street would, indeed, be wrong.

But even allowable requests can be politely refused. What puzzles Miss Manners about your attitude is that you, too, must be a smoker, or you would not have a cigarette to bestow or withhold. Given the animosity that nonsmokers now routinely show to smokers, Miss Manners would have thought that some tolerance within the group would be a good investment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is about to become a bar mitzvah, so I sat with him to start the process of writing thank-you notes. He’s only received a few gifts so far, but I imagine he will get many, many more (we are anticipating just under 100 guests).

The one note that he managed to finish took a REALLY long time and had to be redone twice. His handwriting is not stellar, so he has to write very slowly to make it legible. How I wish, at times like this, that they still stressed penmanship in schools and didn’t rely so strongly on computers!

He said, “Wow, wish I could type these. Mom, why can’t I just type them?” Thus my question: How strong a breach of etiquette would it be for him to type the notes and then hand-sign them? I was always taught that a handwritten thank-you note is the ONLY way to go about these things, but in this case it will take forever!

Should I just lay down the mom-whammy and make him write them all, or is a typed note an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: Gratitude should expand (or contract) with the guest list: Your son’s debt to thank each individual guest is independent of how many stamps you will need to purchase -- or how much time it will take him to pen the notes.

Handwritten letters of thanks are a way of reciprocating the effort that guests took. So, yes, Miss Manners would advise your son to get to work. It is a valuable lesson for a young adult. The letters will get easier and shorter with practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an “airport boredom-relief kit,” consisting of crossword puzzles and an iPod loaded with novels, for use when I am traveling alone. When I arrive at my destination’s airport, I take public transportation to my final stop.

Is it considered rude for me to listen to a book, using headphones, during the ride from the airport?

GENTLE READER: The person who would have sympathized with your problem most was Miss Manners’ own dear mother. She claimed that her own mother had so impressed upon her the need to entertain others that if no one on the city bus was talking, she felt she ought to get them started.

You will be relieved to hear that she did not act on this, and that you carry this responsibility no more than she did. On public transportation, it is polite to allow people to amuse themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I suffered a significant injury to my left arm that has left me with limited dexterity in my left hand and wrist. This is not outwardly noticeable to others in most circumstances, and has not presented me with social problems until recently.

Last year, I accepted a job with a multinational firm that has me rubbing elbows with many foreigners, especially Europeans, who exhibit much more refined table manners than most Americans are accustomed to using.

However, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to hold and use a fork in my left hand. I tried switching the fork to my right hand and using the knife in my left hand, but I have similar difficulties. I continue to practice nevertheless, but I do not feel I am able to make much progress.

I also feel it isn’t proper to announce my physical limitation just for appearance’s sake. What should a person such as myself do in this situation, where it is important to make a very good impression at fine meals with colleagues?

GENTLE READER: If you want snazzy table manners, you should continue to use the ones you have.

Mind you, etiquette is not heartless, and allows some leeway to people with genuine difficulties. But that is not necessary in this case, because using the fork in the right hand was the older European method -- before things sped up there, with the fork kept in the left hand after being used with the knife to cut.

General use of the fork came late to most of Europe, and when people ate only with spoons -- or, even less attractively, with their knife points -- those implements were held in the right hand. When forks became common, people used those in the right hand as well.

And that was the method that was exported to America. It remained the custom while Europeans learned to shovel their food in faster.

In any case, Miss Manners urges you not to succumb to the self-deprecating view that American customs are inferior to foreign ones. As in this case, they may even be more traditional.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was evacuated from my home due to the wildfires in California, a friend of mine opened up his home to me. I got deathly ill and ruined the sheets I was sleeping in.

I’m still recovering from my illness, and haven’t had a chance to go to the department store to replace the sheets. Today I received an itemized list of all the items that need to be replaced and how much I should spend to replace the sheets and other items. I’m totally insulted by his behavior. How do I proceed from here without having any ill will?

GENTLE READER: Suppressing a feeling of ill will, toward someone who sends you a bill when you are homeless and ill, will not be easy. Yet Miss Manners urges you to try.

This was someone who was generous enough to take you into his home. Have you no clue as to what made him change?

In any case, you still owe gratitude for the hospitality he did show, as well as an apology and restitution for the damage. A stiff note and a check will do it, but Miss Manners hopes you can bring yourself to be gracious, to encourage the good side of your erstwhile friend’s split nature.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wanted to honor my older sister’s memory on the anniversary of her death by sending flowers to her husband and family. They live in another state and we only see them once in a while. She died of lung cancer after a long and bitter fight to stay alive. We are all still grieving her loss, and her husband has had a very hard time adjusting to being without her.

My younger sister hesitates to send flowers, as she thinks it will stir up more grief and upset them. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That they are already upset -- which is to say still grieving, as you are. And that they are also aware of the anniversary, which would be an especially difficult time. Your choice, Miss Manners believes, is in letting them suffer through that with or without you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I entertain guests who consider alcohol sinful (imagine that!), I put the gin, bourbon, etc. away and offer only soda, juices, etc., even though they know that I partake of such accoutrements. However, when I am a guest at their home, they fail to offer me an alcoholic beverage.

I realize I’m being polite at my home, but I feel like I’m being played for a sucker. What is your knowledgeable opinion?

GENTLE READER: That those who consider alcohol to be a necessary ingredient of hospitality should stick to bars.

Miss Manners is glad that you know enough not to offer your guests refreshment that they consider sinful, although you may consume it yourself. But she is puzzled that you fail to realize that they cannot be expected to stock their house with sin.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)