DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was evacuated from my home due to the wildfires in California, a friend of mine opened up his home to me. I got deathly ill and ruined the sheets I was sleeping in.

I’m still recovering from my illness, and haven’t had a chance to go to the department store to replace the sheets. Today I received an itemized list of all the items that need to be replaced and how much I should spend to replace the sheets and other items. I’m totally insulted by his behavior. How do I proceed from here without having any ill will?

GENTLE READER: Suppressing a feeling of ill will, toward someone who sends you a bill when you are homeless and ill, will not be easy. Yet Miss Manners urges you to try.

This was someone who was generous enough to take you into his home. Have you no clue as to what made him change?

In any case, you still owe gratitude for the hospitality he did show, as well as an apology and restitution for the damage. A stiff note and a check will do it, but Miss Manners hopes you can bring yourself to be gracious, to encourage the good side of your erstwhile friend’s split nature.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wanted to honor my older sister’s memory on the anniversary of her death by sending flowers to her husband and family. They live in another state and we only see them once in a while. She died of lung cancer after a long and bitter fight to stay alive. We are all still grieving her loss, and her husband has had a very hard time adjusting to being without her.

My younger sister hesitates to send flowers, as she thinks it will stir up more grief and upset them. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That they are already upset -- which is to say still grieving, as you are. And that they are also aware of the anniversary, which would be an especially difficult time. Your choice, Miss Manners believes, is in letting them suffer through that with or without you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I entertain guests who consider alcohol sinful (imagine that!), I put the gin, bourbon, etc. away and offer only soda, juices, etc., even though they know that I partake of such accoutrements. However, when I am a guest at their home, they fail to offer me an alcoholic beverage.

I realize I’m being polite at my home, but I feel like I’m being played for a sucker. What is your knowledgeable opinion?

GENTLE READER: That those who consider alcohol to be a necessary ingredient of hospitality should stick to bars.

Miss Manners is glad that you know enough not to offer your guests refreshment that they consider sinful, although you may consume it yourself. But she is puzzled that you fail to realize that they cannot be expected to stock their house with sin.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I found out through a mutual friend that this past Sunday, my doctor’s daughter passed away at the young age of 18. The last time I saw him, he had spoken of his daughter fondly (this was while she was still alive).

He is my gynecologist, and I am currently pregnant, so I will see him again very soon, and very often, for the next few months. I feel almost guilty about the upcoming birth of my child while he grieves for the loss of his.

I want to write him offering my condolences and maybe somehow mention the beautiful thoughts he had shared with me on my last visit. Any ideas how to approach this?

Also, I’m unsure of how and how often to bring her up in my upcoming appointments, if at all. How do I ask how he is doing without sounding like I feel sorry for him? How do I share my joy without stomping on his pain? Should I suppress it? Should I comment on it?

I have no idea how to move forward with this. I want to let him know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family without suffocating him with my condolences.

GENTLE READER: That is the beauty of the condolence letter. It allows the sender a forum purely to express sympathy without requiring a response from the mourner other than thanks. Write a letter, including, as you stated, how touched and affected you were by the stories your doctor shared with you.

Miss Manners suggests that you do this before you see him next. Then at appointments, keep it professional and ask the questions that you would normally ask. He is your doctor, and a gynecologist. He will surely have realized that he will be around expectant mothers -- and figure out for himself how to manage that. If he wants to talk about the situation, he will. Your only duty is to make his job as easy for him as possible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I sat down at an public picnic table, joining some friends. A lone woman already seated there -- not part of our group -- asked my husband to move because she didn’t like his cologne. There were many empty seats available.

We did move to the other end of the picnic table. Who is responsible to find another place if a person’s fragrance is disliked?

GENTLE READER: There is a logic to placing the burden on the newcomer and the fragrant, both of which would be your husband.

But the price of such logic is high, namely the rudeness of telling your husband that he smells bad. Miss Manners would have counseled the lone woman to act only after giving serious thought to moving upwind herself, or to enduring.

By relocating, you made the gracious assumption that the woman had considered the alternatives, and found them impossible. A tight-lipped compliance on your part would be the best way to indicate the likelihood that that assumption is dubious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to the wedding of a family member whom I never see and am not close with. I did RSVP to say I was attending; however, at the last minute I could not attend.

Another family member and I were sent the same message through text: “Why didn’t you come to my wedding? I’m so upset at the amount of money I still had to pay for your meal!”

My husband was ready to send her a check! I said “NOOO!!”

I responded as to why I couldn’t be there. She’s still not satisfied, and continues to tell me how much she had to pay for our dinner, as if she expects us to reimburse her.

Was that right of her to chastise us? I understand her disappointment, but she took it too far by telling us her cost due to our absence, and by still reeling over it a month later.

I found out there were 17 others who did not attend. That is the chance one takes when having an event. You invite 150 people, and only a percentage attend. It’s expected; am I wrong? I wonder if she asked anyone else who did not attend that same question.

She should be concentrating on her marriage. I wonder what her new husband thinks. It’s her second marriage, by the way, with grown children.

GENTLE READER: Your cavalier attitude about both missing the wedding and the percentage of guests expected to be absent has canceled any sympathy that Miss Manners would be otherwise expected to have toward someone treated as crudely as you were. Especially as it is not clear that you alerted anyone to your impending absence or apologized for it afterwards.

Without excusing the bride, this situation would try even the most sane hostess -- not just for the monetary loss, which your family member is obviously focused on -- but for its rudeness.

While you do not owe this bride for your missed dinner, you do owe her a proper apology. But only if you want her to let you concentrate on anything other than this situation for the foreseeable future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was at a playground with my grandchildren, I witnessed a father trying to force his son, about 4 years old, to go across the monkey bars. The little boy was terrified. He was screaming and crying out that he didn’t want to do it. The father, at one point, even called him a sissy. The child’s mother was visibly upset, and whispered to the father that everyone was staring at him. He loudly yelled, “I don’t care who’s looking!” He continued to force his son to hang from the bars. Finally, the father gave up in disgust with his son.

I wanted so badly to interfere and help this child, but assumed the father would yell an expletive-laden “MYOB” at me. The child did not seem in imminent physical danger, but he was in a lot of emotional pain. Is there anything I should have done?

GENTLE READER: Assured your grandchildren that they will never by treated similarly. And then encouraged them to go play with the poor boy afterwards.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)