life

Sharing a Ride, Not an Intimate Conversation

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In today’s “sharing” economy, there seems to be a level of expected niceties. I frequently find myself in a car on the way to an airport, wondering how to escape a lengthy, forced discussion. I imagine that the driver is also tired of the same conversations and would enjoy a chance for a moment or two of silence.

At times, I am working. At other times, I am communicating with whoever will be expecting me at my destination, or am coordinating my ID, boarding pass, etc.

Earlier this week, I found myself forced to explain the medical details of why we were heading to a health care facility!

Is there any polite way to avoid the awkward and unnecessary conversations that come with the conveniences of today’s economy?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, conversation seems to be a commodity in these ride-sharing programs.

Miss Manners has found that most of them have a ratings system where you can express your opinion of the driver -- and it often includes rating your conversation. She urges you to share your opinion to the contrary with the company, but until the system is rectified, you may give its drivers polite, limited responses to their inquiries. If that does not work say, “I am so sorry, but I have to get some work done/take this call. Perhaps we can chat later.”

life

Miss Manners for February 24, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in my line of business for about 10 years, and am increasingly dealing with higher-level management clients at large companies. Clients can be more or less agreeable, but there have been only two instances in my career that a client has crossed a line firmly into the unprofessional, becoming verbally abusive or shouting at my team and me.

Both times, I was so surprised that I did not know what to do, so I just stared at the client in great surprise, waited a beat, and then kept talking about the business issue. One time, the client apologized afterward; the other time, the client issued a half-apology.

I do not anticipate many such situations in the future, but does Miss Manners have a better way of responding to situations such as this? In retrospect, I wish I had told the client something that indicated I would not tolerate this behavior. I do not mind losing business if that is the outcome -- my team (often young women) and I deserve professional treatment at all times. I could try practicing proper responses, just in case.

GENTLE READER: You would be justified in saying exactly that, in measured tones that both model good behavior and make your point. But your previous method of a confounded and lengthy stare seems to have worked well, too.

You should not be deterred by the stare’s half-hearted response. It seems to Miss Manners that anyone who is willing to shout and become verbally abusive is not likely to do more than give a half-apology for that behavior. Quietly terminating the business relationship, however, will likely be even more effective.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

How to Invite Guests to Someone Else’s Party

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some old friends of mine are fond of giving large parties with an eclectic mix of guests reflecting various occupations: arts, education, business, etc. They have asked me to invite some of my interesting acquaintances to their next one.

I’m glad to do so, since I DO know a number of interesting people whom I think would enjoy meeting others. (Let me add that these occasions do not involve fundraising or sales, but are simply for socializing.) The hosts have told me I may invite as many as I wish; I plan to ask maybe four or five.

But I’m unsure how to extend the invitations to them without it sounding as if I were delivering them up to strangers as “fresh meat.” Since some are couples, I can’t bring them as my date, and since they don’t all know each other, I can’t herd them in a group like a scout troop.

It seems incorrect for me to extend invitations to somebody else’s private party. Should I give my acquaintances’ names to the hosts, who can then add a note to their invitations along the lines of, “Mary suggested we invite you”? Or is there already some protocol for this kind of transaction?

GENTLE READER: While it is generous of your friends to extend an open invitation, it is in everyone’s best interest that they know who is being asked into their home.

What you propose, giving the pertinent names to the host and having them extend the invitation, is charming. Miss Manners is also immensely relieved to hear that these events are purely for socializing and do not have a price tag attached. Invitations to those, under the guise of meeting new people, are not so charming.

life

Miss Manners for February 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a gift from a client who has sent other small things before. But this one happens to be very thoughtful: a monogrammed wine chiller bucket. I don’t entertain much, so I don’t know how much real use I will get out of it, but it’s very elegant, nonetheless.

The problem is its monogram: The initials are in the wrong order. My initials are (say) ABC, so a proper monogram should be “aCb.” However, this one is “aBc,” where my middle initial is the capitalized letter.

What to do? Do I broach the subject with the client? I can’t imagine the company let her do it that way, but I am unsure. Do I just use it and keep it turned backwards? Or, if I ever actually use it, just make it part of a nice, amusing story?

GENTLE READER: Call the company. Tell them the situation -- without placing blame -- and see if they are willing to correct it. If not, let it go and turn the bucket around as you suggested.

Miss Manners discourages you, however, from making the story an amusing anecdote. There’s not much story there, and the amusement value is mostly at your client’s expense.

life

Miss Manners for February 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely tell my neighbor that I have already called AAA and don’t need to hand her my car keys and pop the hood? She refuses to take no for an answer.

GENTLE READER: “Thank you, but I don’t want you to get dirty. My car is particularly filthy today.” Say this while holding on tightly to your keys.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Deciphering Gentlemen’s Nonverbal Vocalizations

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 22nd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an attractive female in my late 60s. I happen to be tall and large-boned. More than once, I have had men of all ages pass me by while making noises such as grunts, groans, clearing their throats or purposely coughing. This really annoys me that someone would do this. What are they saying?

GENTLE READER: Such noises are generally not considered lascivious, but indications that something requires your immediate attention -- something that it would be rude or embarrassing to name explicitly, perhaps a missing button or an abandoned shoe.

That this is happening repeatedly would give Miss Manners herself pause, as the number of possible problems requiring such attention must surely be limited.

life

Miss Manners for February 22, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 22nd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a developing controversy in our house regarding what could be classified as good manners toward drop-in guests at the door -- specifically, what to do once the critical mistake to invite them in has been made. (Oh, all right, it’s not always a mistake, I guess. But close.)

One side says thus: You must drop whatever you were doing immediately, including any conversations of any nature, unless there was a critical emergency of some kind at the time. It is rude to your “guests” to do anything other than this.

The other side: You would be within your “rights” -- as distinct from within good manners -- to ask them politely to have a seat while you finish whatever activity or conversation was occupying you when they appeared at your door without calling.

Anything short of that, then, would be good manners, in that it involves not the assertion of a “right” but the intention of civility, even where it would be reasonably justifiable to be a good deal more firm.

One reasonable and actually gracious solution might be, for instance, to say something like this: “So good to see you. Please sit down. If you’ll just wait maybe two minutes until we finish this one point in our conversation so we don’t lose track, we’ll be at a stopping point and can finish it later.”

Or: “If you’ll just wait until I finish vacuuming the rest of this room, please. Should take only a minute or two.”

Or: “I just need to finish washing these four or five plates here, then we’re on to whatever else you’d like.” A small delay, maybe. Nothing close to the imposition that an unannounced guest has placed on the host. So now that I’ve stacked the deck, what’s the official word?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette no more recognizes different classes of guests (those welcomed conditionally, versus wholeheartedly) than it allows for the possibility of a husband not supporting a wife’s invitation (even if he disagrees).

Once you have invited them in, you are stuck. The activities you mention cannot politely take precedence over a guest, although Miss Manners can give you a limited workaround. This must be exercised while the invitation is being given and must take the form of an apology: “I’m so sorry, I was just in the middle of giving Johnny a bath. I would love you to come in, if you can excuse me to go dry him off.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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