DEAR MISS MANNERS: A work colleague has posed that we give an impromptu holiday gift to a cleaning staff member in our building. The “minimum donation” is far above what any of us at work feels comfortable giving.

One of us politely let him know that his request borders on extortion, especially given the aggressive nature in which he posed his request (e.g., threats that non-participants will be labeled “anti-immigrant” and “anti-Christmas”).

I don’t disagree with my colleague’s impulse to be generous in the holiday season, but I’m deeply disturbed that he’s perhaps using this act as a way to demonstrate his leadership skills and power in the office.

I’m wondering if there’s an alternate way to express our gratitude to the cleaning staff, rather than through large sums of money.

GENTLE READER: Gratitude to employees is best expressed with money, although the amount must be determined by each contributor.

But Miss Manners assures you that you needn’t worry about your colleague’s leadership skills -- he doesn’t have any. Issuing bills and adding threats is no way to lead people. And to remove any sense of power, you need only ignore this and contribute what you see fit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am frequently invited to one-on-one lunches by representatives of various alumni and charitable organizations that I donate money to.

While I do try to accommodate these requests, which are essentially fundraising overtures for the organizations, I find myself at a loss as to who should pay the bill.

I’ve always thought that the person extending the invitation should pick up the check, and most of the time they do, but there have been a couple of awkward occasions when my lunch partner left it to me to pay. What’s the correct thing to do here?

GENTLE READER: You can hardly avoid paying if you are left with a silent luncheon partner. But you can resolve not to be caught again.

Miss Manners imagines that the representative justifies this as not adding to the organization’s expenses. But you may equally well justify it by subtracting the amount from your donation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year, my husband and I host a potluck Christmas party in our home. We spend considerable time sending out written invitational flyers and decorating our house.

We ask that everyone RSVP, and many do. However, there are some who do not acknowledge the invitation and do not attend. Others do not acknowledge it, but then they do attend.

With all the various avenues for communication these days (phone, text, email, Facebook message, etc.), do you find it unacceptable that people ignore the RSVP? Should I remove them from the party list?

GENTLE READER: Sure. With those who ignored both the invitation and the party, you’ll achieve the same effect as if you had invited them.

As this is an annual party, Miss Manners assures you that the errant guests will complain that they have not received invitations. Then you can say, “Oh, would you like to attend? My list says you didn’t respond last year, so I didn’t think so.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance is about to buy my engagement ring. He knows I like jewelry, so he always gets me that as a gift.

That being said, he apparently doesn’t really understand my taste. What is the polite way to tell him if I dislike the ring, or should I even do that?

GENTLE READER: Not if you want this engagement to lead to marriage, let alone to more jewelry.

As you know the ring is forthcoming, Miss Manners suggests that you set about quickly complimenting the things that you do like about the jewelry your fiance has already given you. Specifics that are also sufficiently vague -- like “I love round stones” or “I prefer a classic style” -- are useful, while also giving him some room to make his own decisions. Or he may give up in desperation and ask you to take over. Seemingly your preferred option.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the middle of my speaking to my boyfriend, he will walk out of the room. I have told him it is rude and bad manners. He says he can hear me, therefore it isn’t rude.

GENTLE READER: If you want to test his theory, Miss Manners suggests that you try lowering your voice when he leaves the room. And then acting puzzled when he returns to find out what he did, in fact, miss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are getting ready to celebrate my daughter’s quinceanera, and have decided not to serve alcohol for many reasons. My mother was mortified when she learned this, and keeps pressuring me to provide alcohol.

She does not drink; however, she insists that the only reason guests attend such celebrations is to drink, and that guests will be disappointed.

Although I have put my foot down on the issue, I want to know if it’s rude not to offer alcohol at such events. Should I let guests know in advance so they can make the choice themselves, and not be disappointed when they arrive? Should it be printed in the invitations?

I say that if guests truly care about my daughter, they will attend regardless, and if they only want to attend for free alcohol, then we are probably better off without them. Of course, nonalcoholic drinks and food will be served.

GENTLE READER: How pitiful that your mother thinks that the only reason your family would celebrate your daughter is free liquor.

If it is possible, hold this event during the day and call it a brunch or a tea. Alcohol will be less expected. Or if it is a less formal occasion, word the invitation with what is being offered, rather than what is not: “Dinner will be served, along with soda and juice.” For those bold enough to object to this situation, Miss Manners suggests that you politely remind them of the reason for the celebration -- and that the guest of honor is not yet of drinking age.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Uncle Horace owns a cabin that my father’s entire family has been using for years. I myself have been going since I was a baby. Anyone in the family is free to use it. We often had girls’ weekends there, and on other holiday weekends, the whole family would go up. We always had a good time and relaxed.

However, my Aunt Belle (his sister) bought a cabin a five-minute walk down the road, and she insists that we have girls’ weekends at her cabin every year from now on.

She is cheap, bossy, and nobody feels comfortable or has much fun while we are there. She assigns who is going to sleep where, what everyone should bring, what we should be doing and when we should be doing it. I got yelled at for accidentally taking an extra paper plate last year! Then she hid and kept all the snacks and bottled water I brought for everyone.

I have gone twice and regretted it both times! It is not relaxing. Most people complain about her the entire time we are there.

This past year I couldn’t go because I couldn’t afford it, and everyone complained and yelled at me. They say I need to go so everyone can have fun. They call me a party pooper, and always dismiss whatever reason I can’t go. My Aunt Belle will even move the weekend just so I can come.

We have another girls’ weekend coming up and I don’t know what to do. If it is at my Uncle Horace’s cabin, I would love to go! I know we will have fun and that there will be room for everyone.

If it is at my Aunt Belle’s cabin, I definitely don’t want to go. When I bring up having it at Uncle Horace’s, my Aunt Belle complains she already has “everything” at her cabin and she would rather have it there so she doesn’t have to pack a bag. Everyone else agrees with me, but will tell Aunt Belle they “don’t care” because they say it’s not worth a fight.

GENTLE READER: Is it not possible to do both? As the cabins are only five minutes apart, could you have half of the people at your uncle’s house and half at your aunt’s? You could do this under the guise of not wanting to burden her with the full guest list. Or perhaps eliminating the gender divide could render this necessary: “Oh, let’s have boys and girls this time. I think I will stay with Uncle Horace so that I can help out with the hosting duties over there.” With any luck, Miss Manners hopes that the chaos will confuse Aunt Belle into silence -- and even if it does ultimately end up being only the girls, your plans will have already been set.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sitting at a table, from which side of the chair do you enter and exit?

GENTLE READER: The one that does not have someone else’s knees firmly perched up against it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)