DEAR MISS MANNERS: A rather odious problem: My sister-in-law posted something on social media that was quite disturbing. She made a disparaging remark about my brother, which referenced their intimate (or lack thereof) relations and made a shocking and vulgar comment about my brother in that regard. Several family members saw the posting, one of whom asked her to remove it, which she did.

My brother does not know about this. He doesn’t use social media, and no one wants to tell him. I think he should know, but I can’t bring myself to tell him, and I’m not sure if I should.

Can you advise me? Should one of us tell him about this unfortunate event? If we tell him, I doubt he will be able to forgive her. I know I can’t. I’m about to make a trip home (I live in a distant city). I’m looking forward to seeing my brother, but I really don’t want to see my sister-in-law, and I’m not sure how to deal with this. Please let me know what you would do.

GENTLE READER: Stay as far away from the situation as possible. Miss Manners insists that no good can come from being the messenger here. Especially since the posting has since been taken down, there will be trust issues on all sides if the family accuses his wife of something that he can no longer witness himself, and that she can always deny.

It will be far easier -- and less expensive -- for your brother to engage in a lasting fight with his relatives than with his wife. If your brother does, at some point, find out and chastise you for not alerting him, you can rightly tell him that you thought it was none of your business. And alert your sister-in-law in kind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Save-the-date cards for my upcoming wedding went out several months ago, and we’re preparing to send formal invitations in a few weeks. One of my fiance’s lifelong friends emailed me to confirm that he and his wife were still invited because, he said, “budgets and venues change.”

I was a little taken aback that he felt the need to ask. We considered all the major details final, including our guest list, once save-the-dates were out; we thought the save-the-date was itself a form of invitation. Are we correct in assuming that? Does rescinding a save-the-date, as our friend implied we might do, actually happen?

GENTLE READER: Probably, but that does not make it correct. Save-the-dates are binding on the part of the issuer, but not on the part of the receiver. They were created out of convenience for guests who need to plan their schedules and travel arrangements, not for hosts who might have changed their minds about their guests. If for no other reason, Miss Manners urges hosts to remember the travel arrangement part when they play fast and loose with their own financial decisions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who throws parties throughout the year and I’m always invited last-minute.

These gatherings are not very formal, so she frequently uses online invitations. The issue is that I can see messages from her preferred guests dating back a month before the party. I’m invited a week or two before the event.

I understand she is probably trying to control the number of people at the party, but I don’t like the feeling of being a consistent Plan B. Maybe she is hoping I already have plans and won’t be able to come, or maybe she does not want me to come at all. If that’s the case, I’m confused why she sends an invitation.

Should I consider not going to any of her events since I don’t feel truly welcome?

GENTLE READER: Clearly, it is up to you if you want to attend or not, but burdening yourself with subtext of how wanted or not you are will likely render the event far less enjoyable. On a highly related side note, Miss Manners encourages hosts, if they must issue invitations electronically, to keep the guest lists private just for this reason.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the youngest of four children. My brother and two sisters are all married and have children, so over the years, I have bought numerous gifts for my family members. Mind you, my niece and nephews are now getting married and having children -- so that means more gifts.

I am 46 years old and just have not found the “right one” yet. I also have no children and do not see it happening in the near future. I am moving into my first home. Can I register for gifts at a housewarming party?

GENTLE READER: No. As much as it may seem that people only get married and have children for the loot that results, that is not actually the intended purpose. However, Miss Manners will allow you to host a housewarming party, as long as you do not demand gifts in the form of registries and shopping lists (which, she feels compelled to add, your siblings should not have done, either). If presents do materialize, you may accept them graciously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I got married in 1979 but separated for 10 years in the ‘80s, do I celebrate my 38th anniversary this year, or my 28th?

GENTLE READER: If you were technically married during that time, then 38, if both of you so wish. Clearly, those 10 years were important to the marriage. But Miss Manners recommends that you defer to the number of years that one of you feels most strongly about -- lest you lose another 10 in the deliberation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When an invitation to a birthday party says 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., can a guest come at any time between 2 and 4?

GENTLE READER: Not without wasting a good deal of effort. A party that has a set time period means that it will start -- and more importantly, end -- promptly. However, since hosts are only able to actually enforce the ending part, Miss Manners assures you that you will only have yourself to blame for the missed fun and squandered energy in getting there if you choose to come late.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wonderful husband is everything I could want; however, his one flaw is his table manners.

My profession requires me to attend upscale business dinner meetings, and we are asked to join friends for meals as well. Unfortunately, most people we encounter at these events are completely turned off by my husband’s table manners -- which also, for some reason, reflect badly on me. We have lost many friends and I’ve lost business contacts as a result.

I am used to it, but others are not! He likes to eat with his fingers rather than use dining utensils, even greasy foods that get all over his hands and face. If he does use a utensil, it’s a tablespoon to scoop up the food all the faster. He will ask the server for a tablespoon the moment we are seated, even though nothing requiring one is on the menu. He also drinks soup by picking up the bowl and slurping it down, and stares at other people’s plates if they contain food that he enjoys, waiting for them to put down their spoon for a moment and then asking if he can finish the food on their plate.

At one business dinner in a very upscale hotel dining room, we were seated eight to a round table. Desserts were placed before each diner, and after “inhaling” his chocolate cake, he went around to everyone at the table asking if he could have their cake if they weren’t planning to eat it! Most of the diners at the table intended to enjoy their dessert, but at a normal, leisurely pace -- which he assumes means they don’t care for the food placed before them.

The shock on their faces showed that they didn’t know how to respond, and most inched their dessert toward him. He happily sat at the table with six other desserts in front of him, tackling one after the other, while everyone looked on in disgust. Then he excused himself from the table, announcing he had to “go wash up” since the grease of the steak dinner was all over his hands and face.

Needless to say, I lost all further contact with any of my associates who dined at that table with us. Gently suggesting change does not work! Neither do dirty looks or reprimanding statements. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Your husband’s behavior reflects badly on you because ... he is your husband. The sole reason for his inclusion at business functions is in that capacity. But even in social situations, you cannot expect to avoid some measure of censure.

His behavior is abhorrent, but you are the one most able to take corrective action. You -- or rather, he -- therefore have two choices: Reform his manners or cease to include him. This will be easier in your business life than your personal life, since you can tell your husband you have to avoid further damage to your career -- ”business people are so unforgiving” -- and you can tell your business partners that your husband was unavailable.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)