life

Hostess Wants Guests Off Her Bed

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 2nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a studio flat, so, as you can imagine, our bed is out in the open. It’s next to the kitchen and at a good angle for people to watch TV. We also have enough chairs for people to sit on and a very comfortable couch, all of these at good angles for people to make conversation and watch TV.

My parents always taught me to never enter someone’s bedroom without permission and never to sit/lie on someone else’s bed, especially couple’s beds (though it was normal for me sit on my friends’ beds during my childhood/teenage years, and the other way around).

But now that I am a married woman, for me, our bed is almost a sacred place. And just because it is in the same room as everything else, that doesn’t justify people using it when there are other comfortable places to sit down.

Is it just me? And how can I address this with my husband’s and my own friends?

GENTLE READER: Without making a laughingstock out of yourselves?

You can’t.

Your marriage is sacred, your privacy is sacred, but your bed is a piece of furniture right there in the room in which you also entertain guests.

Miss Manners supposes you can park serving trays on the bed, if using it as a table doesn’t violate its sacredness. Or you can keep saying, “I think you’ll be more comfortable over there.” But she begs you not to address your friends with your reasoning. You will never hear the end of it.

life

Miss Manners for October 02, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 2nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to leave one of anything, such as one Oreo, or should you just finish the package and throw away?

GENTLE READER: Have you never heard the expression that was once routinely taught to children to discourage them from taking the last of anything?

It was “Leave something for Miss Manners.”

But never mind. Miss Manners is trying to stay away from cookies and does not begrudge your having that last one.

Unless, of course, you are sneaking into someone else’s cupboard. Because if it is your own cupboard, you can do what you like, and if you are being offered cookies elsewhere, they should be on a plate, not in the package.

life

Miss Manners for October 02, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 2nd, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there protocol around whether someone should wait to announce their wedding date (when newly engaged) if a friend had announced their engagement six months before, but has not yet announced their wedding date?

GENTLE READER: Is this a competition?

That unpleasant suspicion arises because Miss Manners has received letters in which weddings are presumed to be staged in even fairly remote proximity in order to detract from other weddings.

She would prefer to believe that you are asking about a situation in which the bridal couples, being friends, are hoping to schedule things so that they can attend one another’s weddings. In that case, and if the timing is somewhat flexible, it would only be necessary to talk over the respective dates under consideration.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

How to Say ‘Don’t Waste My Time’

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 30th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I advertise online for models to use in my artwork, with expectedly mixed results. If I’m lucky, about 30 percent of the respondents are suitable subjects and/or are actually interested in posing.

Is it too severe to state in my ad, “Serious only; please don’t waste your time or mine” in (probably vain) hopes of avoiding flakes? Might another form of words be more effective?

How should I reply most tactfully to people I don’t wish to work with? “Thanks for your reply, but no thanks” sounds too bare and cold.

GENTLE READER: All teenagers with camera phones probably consider themselves to be experienced models, and therefore feel justified in padding their resumes.

But this is a business transaction and should be treated as such. To guard against unwanted applicants -- and to protect yourself from accusations of subjectivity -- Miss Manners suggests that you put in your advertisement: “Professional experience required. Serious inquiries only, please.”

You then may make your own judgment of what “experience” entails. And if your applicants do not pass muster, you may simply say, “Thank you for your inquiry, but we are unable to use you at this time.” No need for apology or explanation -- especially since no good can likely come from either.

life

Miss Manners for September 30, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 30th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called me to say she and her husband “had an extra ticket” to a theater production that night (their daughter had canceled). Would I like to join them? We would go to dinner first and then proceed to the theater. The play was not one I would have chosen, but I readily said yes, as I had no plans and enjoy these friends very much.

The dinner bill came and of course I expected to pay my share. However, as the husband hovered over the bill, he mentioned that I should also add in the price of the theater ticket (his wife was nodding).

I was shocked and uncomfortable, as no mention had been made about me reimbursing them for the unused ticket. In my experience, an extra ticket is normally freely given at the last minute, or at the very least, the cost of said ticket should be mentioned upfront when “inviting” someone to take it. When I have been a recipient in the past, I have silently noted the generosity and found a suitable way to reciprocate later.

This ticket was expensive, but I readily paid the total amount. Frankly, I felt a bit used and did not entirely enjoy the rest of the evening. I am single and get by OK, while my friends are quite wealthy. Where did they, or I, go wrong from an etiquette standpoint?

GENTLE READER: If your friends expected you to pay, then, as you said, they should have mentioned it: “We have an extra ticket to sell. We thought we would offer it to you first.”

Since they did not do this, Miss Manners agrees that you were justified in feeling put out. To avoid this happening again, she recommends that the next time you are invited to a paid event without a mention of price, you could ask, “How much do I owe you?” in the hope that the issuers would demur politely. And if they did not, at least you would be prepared to demur politely yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Don’t Apologize for Beautiful Ring

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 29th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my fiance and I got engaged, I told him that I did not need a ring. He insisted that he wanted to give me one, which I was fine with -- I just didn’t want him to feel obligated to buy me an expensive ring.

Ultimately, he was gifted a gorgeous ring from his grandmother to give to me as an engagement ring. I am so very in love with this ring, for both its beauty and its source.

Moreover, I am often told that it is very fitting to me. My fiance spent a lot of time looking at rings before his grandmother told him she had something he might be interested in, and not until he saw her ring did he think anything he had looked at “fit” me. In short, it’s perfect.

While not ostentatious or gaudy, the ring is larger than I ever would have dreamed, and frankly larger than he would have been able to afford. Because of this, there is a degree to which I am sometimes (especially among certain less-affluent friends) a little self-conscious of its size. Frequently, after receiving a compliment on the ring, I explain that it is an heirloom, thereby cutting anyone off from thinking about its cost to my fiance.

I remember learning in French class that when the French receive a compliment, they respond with some version of “Oh, this old thing?” Is my response to compliments on my ring rude in American culture? Is it just another way of bragging (if I am honest, I am quite proud)? Is it rude or disrespectful to my fiance?

GENTLE READER: America has appropriated many countries’ practices to varying degrees of success (often for their monetary incentives), but Miss Manners has always disliked this particular one, although she hardly blames it solely on the French. She finds it not necessarily rude, but simply unbecoming. The supposed modesty in insulting the very thing that another has just complimented is misplaced. After all, are you not then insulting that person’s taste for liking it?

Your response should simply be, “Thank you.” If the subject invites further inquiry -- or a long pause in conversation -- you may proceed and explain its charming origin, as long as this is done so anecdotally, not apologetically.

life

Miss Manners for September 29, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 29th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I introduce myself to someone I believe I have not met, but they reply that we have met, what is the proper response?

Sometimes I apologize and say I’m terrible with faces. Other times, I feign recognition. Still other times, I feign dim recognition, followed by a query about how we met, so that they’ll fill me in and I won’t be conversing blind. What’s right?

GENTLE READER: As you realize, all answers to this question are awkward. Therefore, Miss Manners advises turning it around and saying “You’re so kind to remember me.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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