DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law likes to help out less-fortunate relatives. She is quite generous herself, but she often asks some extended family members to help with additional contributions.

Everyone does acknowledge that the contributions are for good causes (i.e. hospital/surgery bills, medication for elders ...) and that those people indeed need help and are much less fortunate than we are.

However, these fundraising events happen quite often; my MIL is often pleading for money (even if not for herself), putting others in the awkward position of having to say “no” to the fourth fundraising request of the year.

Since we have quite a large extended family, is it OK if we suggest minimum required contributions for all able family members every year? The minimum amount should and will be discussed and agreed upon by all family members. That way, my MIL would have a certain set amount to work with and would avoid awkwardness for herself and others.

GENTLE READER: Being a pest for a good cause does not excuse the underlying rudeness. Someone needs to talk to your mother-in-law and ask her to stop annoying the relatives. While the extended family might be willing to agree to an annual tithe if it would rein in your mother-in-law, the fact that you are only proposing a “minimum” contribution makes Miss Manners suspect that even you do not believe it would work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking behind a group of people and happened to hear one of them suggest that they go to a particular coffee shop about half a mile away.

I knew that that coffee shop was closed for the season. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to admit I was listening to their conversation (although it was not intentional), but now I wonder whether it would have been better to speak up and save them a trip.

GENTLE READER: The phrase you want is, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing ...”

Miss Manners trusts you not to use it when you overhear people discussing their love lives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I bring to an informal dinner at a friend’s house? I have taken them wine (which neither drink), cookies, cookie mix, sausage and cheese, etc. Recently we went for snacks and tacos. I took a pack of the nice dinner napkins. She seemed offended. Was this appropriate?? I am running out of ideas.

GENTLE READER: One idea would be to stop bringing gifts to dinner. Etiquette does not require them -- the quid pro quo, if you must have one, is the dinners you host for your friend. Miss Manners realizes that your most recent gift was not meant as a criticism of your friend’s linen, but this is the problem with inventing your own etiquette -- in this case, the idea not only that every meal deserves a gift, but that each gift must be unique. The recipient has no idea what you are doing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I patronize a nail salon where all the employees are Vietnamese and speak only a little English. They do nails very well, their prices and location are good, and I’m not inclined to go anyplace else.

But I find it terribly awkward not to be able to chat easily with someone who is performing a personal service for me. I’ve seen other patrons there who come with friends and chat with each other, or listen to headphones, or sit with their eyes closed, perhaps meditating.

I don’t have a friend to go with, and the most obvious thing for me would be to take work-related reading and indicate that I “must” get some work done. But I can’t hold reading material when my hands are occupied, and there is no place to set it.

I have started requesting the same manicurist each time, since I think she is especially good, and she seems very friendly and sweet. I always tip her well. But after I have made sure her two kids are fine and we agree about the weather, there is nothing more we can talk about that isn’t too difficult.

I don’t know why this makes me so uncomfortable, but it feels like I’m being rude or I should try harder, and I actually get stressed about my appointments.

What I would most like to do is sit quietly and think my own thoughts. Is there a graceful way to do that?

GENTLE READER: And perhaps the manicurist would like to think her own thoughts.

Miss Manners is confused about whether you believe you should be entertaining her (and are rude not to), or that she should be entertaining you (and help more to carry the conversation).

In any case, chit-chat, beyond the exchange of pleasantries, is not part of the deal. And while some patrons and some workers enjoy that, it should be voluntary on both sides. While there are sometimes confidences exchanged between them, both workers and their clients sometimes complain that they would prefer some quiet.

Since you are happy with the work, the price, the location, and crave quietness, Miss Manners fails to see your problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his then-fiancee sent save-the-date cards to various friends and relatives. They have since called off the wedding, some eight weeks before it was to occur, and before actual invitations were issued. What is the etiquette for informing the recipients of those cards not to make plane, hotel or other reservations?

GENTLE READER: It is time for another mailing. You can’t just leave these people saving the date, much less making travel plans.

Had you sent invitations, there would be a similarly formal announcement that “the marriage will not take place.” But as the save-the-date card is informal, a similarly informal style may be used.

However, Miss Manners strongly recommends retaining that sentence about the marriage not taking place, rather than offering any explanation. You will be besieged with questions soon enough.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wanting to purchase new flatware. The dinner knives and butter knives both come in serrated and non-serrated options. Is there one option that is more appropriate than the other, and why?

GENTLE READER: Serrated butter knives? How tough is your butter?

Miss Manners has to keep reminding people that flatware exists to provide tools for eating without excessive difficulty and mess. A plain sharp blade is adequate for serving most food, but if you are serving more challenging dishes, you might want those steel teeth. The idea is to arm the eaters to attack the meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I host quite a lot of people in my house, a large number of whom somehow feel obliged to give me “hostess gifts.” The majority of these are things I do not want and would never use, but I have been accepting all of them with graciousness for fear of hurting their feelings.

Furthermore, I feel obligated to keep these things I do not want -- house plants, an entire set of china, tablecloths, etc. -- for fear of hurting their feelings again if they repeatedly show up and do not see their objects in the house. I am not a materialistic person, and do say, always, when accepting a gift: “Thank you; you really don’t have to do this, you know.”

Is there some sign I can put up at the door or on a dish towel, some way of politely letting visitors know I don’t want things, just the joy of their company?

GENTLE READER: This is a minor instance of a pervasive problem: the unappreciated present. The simple answer is that those should be accepted graciously with thanks, but that they then become the property of the recipients to dispose of as they wish.

It is unseemly to search for, let alone ask the fate of, such presents. You should silently let them assume that these things are in your cupboard, beach house, on loan, or otherwise merely absent from view.

But the search for a larger solution to the “wrong present problem” has led to various customs that Miss Manners finds unpalatable. Worst of all is announcing dissatisfaction to the donor, and even asking that person to exchange the offering. There is no excuse for such a response to generosity, however much it was unintentionally misdirected.

The two most popular responses are to have the recipient, rather than the donor, choose the presents -- the gift registry -- or to skip presents in favor of giving money, either directly or laundered in the form of gift certificates. And indeed, these serve the practical purpose of eliminating the unappreciated present. But they also eliminate the point of exchanging presents, which is not to meet practical needs, but to symbolize warm feelings.

In any case, no, you can’t hang up a sign on a dish towel. But you might want to make it known how much you love flowers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)