Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wanting to purchase new flatware. The dinner knives and butter knives both come in serrated and non-serrated options. Is there one option that is more appropriate than the other, and why?

GENTLE READER: Serrated butter knives? How tough is your butter?

Miss Manners has to keep reminding people that flatware exists to provide tools for eating without excessive difficulty and mess. A plain sharp blade is adequate for serving most food, but if you are serving more challenging dishes, you might want those steel teeth. The idea is to arm the eaters to attack the meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I host quite a lot of people in my house, a large number of whom somehow feel obliged to give me “hostess gifts.” The majority of these are things I do not want and would never use, but I have been accepting all of them with graciousness for fear of hurting their feelings.

Furthermore, I feel obligated to keep these things I do not want -- house plants, an entire set of china, tablecloths, etc. -- for fear of hurting their feelings again if they repeatedly show up and do not see their objects in the house. I am not a materialistic person, and do say, always, when accepting a gift: “Thank you; you really don’t have to do this, you know.”

Is there some sign I can put up at the door or on a dish towel, some way of politely letting visitors know I don’t want things, just the joy of their company?

GENTLE READER: This is a minor instance of a pervasive problem: the unappreciated present. The simple answer is that those should be accepted graciously with thanks, but that they then become the property of the recipients to dispose of as they wish.

It is unseemly to search for, let alone ask the fate of, such presents. You should silently let them assume that these things are in your cupboard, beach house, on loan, or otherwise merely absent from view.

But the search for a larger solution to the “wrong present problem” has led to various customs that Miss Manners finds unpalatable. Worst of all is announcing dissatisfaction to the donor, and even asking that person to exchange the offering. There is no excuse for such a response to generosity, however much it was unintentionally misdirected.

The two most popular responses are to have the recipient, rather than the donor, choose the presents -- the gift registry -- or to skip presents in favor of giving money, either directly or laundered in the form of gift certificates. And indeed, these serve the practical purpose of eliminating the unappreciated present. But they also eliminate the point of exchanging presents, which is not to meet practical needs, but to symbolize warm feelings.

In any case, no, you can’t hang up a sign on a dish towel. But you might want to make it known how much you love flowers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you get two conservative Christian Republican men who have sprung out of the closet and announced they are getting married?

I’m really confused. But as I have social and business ties with them, I must attend and not offend.

GENTLE READER: Was offending them otherwise your plan?

Your confusion as to this couple’s union seems highly irrelevant in selecting a present for them. (And certainly, you do not really need Miss Manners to explain to you how any two people could possibly fall in love and get married.)

If you have social and business ties to them, then you probably know something about their tastes. If you do not, then ask someone who does.

But please do not create a theme (like “How could this happen?!”) where none is warranted. This would hardly be the first couple whose guests wondered at the suitability of their match -- but under no circumstance is it anybody else’s business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invited a friend to a dinner party, she asked if she could bring some berries for guests to put in their salads, and whatever was left over, I could keep. When I saw the large amount of berries she brought, I was looking forward to making a pie.

After the main course, when everyone was sitting around and conversing, she went into the kitchen and brought out the bowl of berries. She told everyone how good they were for you, scooped up handfuls for herself and her husband, and insisted others try them.

I quickly offered homemade dessert if anyone had room for it, but everyone declined. I did eventually bring my dessert out and it was barely touched.

Was I wrong for feeling my guest should not have taken over my menu? I spent time and effort making a lovely dessert, which no one touched except my husband and myself. I was also disappointed with the diminished “gift,” which was only enough for topping my bowl of cereal the next morning. What could I have done differently?

GENTLE READER: Not much. You were duped. Your clever friend brought the berries under false pretenses by making a reasonable offer that you -- and then your guests -- could hardly decline.

Next time, Miss Manners suggests that you politely demur, stating that you have your menu already planned. And if your friend brings the berries anyway, you have every right to omit them from the meal and proceed with your plans: to take them, bake them and put ‘em in a pie.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it is tacky to give a lovely, wrapped birthday gift, but forgo the birthday card?

I find that cards are increasingly expensive, and have opted to give nice, thoughtful and beautifully wrapped gifts with a simple tag (given in person, at a gathering to celebrate) rather than adding a $6 card to go with it. Is this acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Printed wishes from the giver are optional. Written thanks from the receiver -- and therefore the aforementioned tag that ensures their proper destination -- are not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who shows up every morning with her two toddlers, whether I asked her to or not. She doesn’t understand that I don’t have children and am a little slower to wake up in the mornings. I think it’s rude that just because she texts and I don’t answer, she feels she can just show up.

Am I wrong? What should I do? I tried to explain my situation to her but she just got offended and left.

GENTLE READER: Thereby, it seems to Miss Manners, solving the problem. However, if you would like to keep the friendship and mend fences -- while also keeping them firmly in place -- you could say, “I am so sorry, but I’m afraid that I was half asleep and do not remember your visit. Please forgive me if I was brusque, but perhaps we should just stick to making plans in advance instead of spontaneous visits, so that I do not again act rashly out of sleep deprivation.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have one sister and no other siblings. She has two sons. One had a birthday a few days ago; the other’s birthday was a few months ago.

I am only invited to their house for holidays. When I extend an invitation to them, it is always declined. Because of these spread-out holiday celebrations (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas) I brought birthday gifts for both nephews to the Easter celebration, at which much of my brother-in-law’s family was present along with me. I presented the nephews with their gifts.

When they were opened in front of the family, my sister exclaimed, “I don’t know why you got them that. They’re not going to like it. I don’t know why you didn’t buy what I told you to buy. Now I have to spend my time returning them.”

She then directed the nephews to put the gifts aside so she could return them. She also stated that she didn’t know why it took so long for me to get their gifts to them when I could have easily mailed them.

To say that I was humiliated and embarrassed is an understatement, though I said nothing. What type of response, if any, is appropriate in such a situation? I don’t want to cause an irreparable rift in the family.

GENTLE READER: While you are correct not to take out on your nephews the appalling behavior of their mother, clearly you are not going to impress upon her what it means to give a present. “My intention was to please them,” is all that you need say.

After that, Miss Manners suggests that you quickly develop a separate relationship with your nephews so that you can have direct communication with them about their (reasonable) likes and dislikes in the future -- without your sister acting as go-between. This may well have the added bonus of driving your sister crazy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)