DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people come to your home for the first time for a social engagement, are you supposed to give them a tour of your home?

GENTLE READER: Only if they are moving in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her family were recently the subjects of an online campaign set up by a friend to benefit them while they go through a very rough surgery with their young daughter. The campaign was very successful, and some donors left their name along with their donation amount.

She is struggling now with how to thank these people for their incredible generosity and support, and has asked me for advice. I have no idea how to handle this. She does not know everyone who donated, let alone their addresses. What is the proper “thank-you” for such a situation?

GENTLE READER: The situation you describe, of benefiting personally from a wide group of benefactors, is becoming more common, whether for causes as urgent as your sister’s or as questionable as the wealthy bride who wants a honeymoon she is not interested in paying for.

One thing they all have in common is that another person -- a friend, a relative or a total stranger -- has done you a kindness, and for this they deserve thanks. People whose names and addresses are known can receive individual thanks, and anonymous donors can be thanked in bulk through the same medium in which their gift was solicited.

Miss Manners is immune to the argument that such an activity is like a formal charity, which values donations by the amount given. And even charities have found the sense in thanking those who contribute to the cause.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I asked a woman I know professionally if she would be interested in getting together for lunch. She said yes, she would enjoy it.

We had a lovely lunch and when the bill came, I suggested we split it. I could tell she was uncomfortable. She suggested I put the bill on my business expense account, and I said it wasn’t a business lunch so I could not do that. What was a very nice lunch became uncomfortable for me.

When you suggest getting together for lunch, is this the same as inviting someone to lunch and paying for it? I’ve done this before and paying separately has never been a problem. Do I owe this woman an apology?

GENTLE READER: It was not unreasonable for the lady to expect that you would pay for lunch. She thought you had extended an invitation and were therefore acting as host. How was she to know that you considered it something less? While an apology would not be unreasonable, Miss Manners would understand if your incidental discovery about her business ethics makes you disinclined to pursue ... whatever you were pursuing initially.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had a few people question my home mail deliveries. First, my postman asked me if I worked for the company that sent me so many packages. My neighbor asked if I worked from home because I get so many mail deliveries.

Personally, I do not think I get many deliveries. I get a few packages a week. To me that is not much, but I guess to my postman and neighbor, it is. What is a polite way of answering this question without going into detail about my deliveries?

GENTLE READER: There’s not much going on in your neighborhood, is there?

Of course you should not have to explain or defend your mail. Miss Manners, who is not unfamiliar with the prevalence of nosiness, is only surprised at the subject.

As a response, you could say, “I believe that more and more people are shopping online these days.” Whether that applies to your packages is irrelevant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a retired teacher of creative writing and a blogger offering advice and encouragement on the subject, I am often presented with published books by, and from, former students.

I usually read these literary gifts, which range in quality from punk to pretty good. I try to thank the author, and I can always find something encouraging and enthusiastic to say about their work. Usually the generous author thanks me and goes back to the computer to carry on with writing his or her next book.

Sometimes, though, my kind words force me into a moral dilemma. For example, I recently read a mystery novel by a mediocre writer, and I told the author that I was entertained by her suspenseful yarn.

Her response? She told me I should buy and read the other books in her series and her two standalone mysteries, too. And she urged me to review her books on Amazon.

My dilemma: Should I forget about her request and hope she will let the matter drop, or should I go on Amazon and give this former student of mine the two stars (or fewer) that her novel deserves?

GENTLE READER: Different sets of manners apply here, but your situation keeps changing so rapidly that Miss Manners can hardly blame you or your former students for being confused.

As their teacher, it was your job to criticize their writing. But now they are published authors whose books -- as you understand -- were given to you as presents. That puts you in the nonprofessional, social position of mustering what positive comments you reasonably can, in order to be gracious. In any case, these particular books can no longer profit from your criticism.

But -- aha! -- perhaps their sales could. It is not surprising that this occurred to their authors.

Yet offering public endorsement would mean using the weight of your professional standing. Thus, you should not commit yourself to an evaluation beyond what you believe the books merit.

So yes, the most tactful way to avoid this is to ignore the suggestion. Should you be pressed again, you can honestly say, “Well, I’m no longer your teacher, but I wish you success.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you treat someone to a cup of coffee at an expensive coffee shop, should they choose a smaller size?

GENTLE READER: Ah, but which is the smaller size? In today’s cutesy coffee shops, it is unlikely to be called “piccolo.”

“Order from the middle of the menu,” nice ladies were taught, back when gentlemen always paid the bills. But Miss Manners realizes that this would be challenging in a shop that uses pseudo-Italian nomenclature, or where “jumbo” might be the most modest choice.

She suggests that a frugal host order preemptively by saying, “We’ll have two mezzos” (or whatever they are called), and then graciously inquiring of the guest, “How do you take yours?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was conceived while my father was married to a woman who is not my mother. He and his wife are still married and have several kids and grandkids. I have met his wife and my half-siblings; she was polite to me the last time I saw her.

I have only seen my father a handful of times in my 30 years, but he did pay child support and gave me $100 per month while I attended college. Now we exchange birthday and Christmas cards. We’re actually Facebook friends, which is how I learned he is in poor health.

What should I do if he dies? I am grateful for his support during college, but I don’t want to further stress out his wife and children during what will obviously be a sad time. If I do not attend, I’m afraid they’ll say, “Why isn’t she here? He was her father.” If I do attend, I’m afraid they’ll say, “Why is she here? He’s only her biological father; he didn’t raise her.” Also, what if he includes me in his will, but I don’t attend the funeral?

I’d like to take the smoothest path, but I’m not sure what that is. Should I attend his funeral when he passes?

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to consider the feelings of the widow and her children, but yes, you should attend your father’s funeral. They have been aware of your existence, and can surely understand that this is an act of piety on your part. Whether you are mentioned in the will should not be a factor.

Where Miss Manners believes that your delicacy should be shown is in not making yourself conspicuous. Other mourners may not be aware of your relationship, and this is not the time to make it clear. Whether you want to skip any reception that may be held after the ceremony, or just hang back, you do not want to set everyone abuzz with gossip when they should be focused on the life of the deceased.

Note that Miss Manners is not addressing the question of whether you want to be in touch later with your half-siblings or other relatives you may have seen at the funeral.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)