DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you calculate the value of a gift on its retail price or on the actual price you paid for it?

I work for a designer and have access to high-end merchandise at 25 percent of the actual cost. I can gift someone a $200 handbag that I purchased for $50.

Now, I do budget how much I will spend on family and friends; it’s the not-so-close friends I have an issue with. If I allocate to spend $40 to $50 on such a friend, but buy her something that retails $120 (but costs me $30), have I shortchanged her?

The reverse gets me in trouble, too. My group of friends does a gift exchange at Christmastime. We set a fixed budget of $50 each. I’ll spend $50, but buy something that retails for $200. The receiver doesn’t complain, but some of my girlfriends in the group complain that I overspent, making my gift more valuable than theirs.

GENTLE READER: Calculating the value of a gift -- retail, actual, wholesale, discounted or bulk, or marked up, down or sideways -- is not an activity Miss Manners finds to be either delicate or rewarding.

Your friend with the $30 or $120 handbag was not shortchanged because (we hope) she values the gift as a thoughtful gesture coming from you, not for its fetching price on the open market. The dollar limit on your Christmas exchange does serve a purpose, which is to limit the expense of the gift-giving from becoming burdensome. Your discount has accomplished this, an explanation that your friends should understand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a large library system in a major city. There is a central library that houses administration and customer service, as well as 33 branches spread out over the county.

The other day, a person fairly high up in administration sent out an email to all staff saying one of the library’s partners had generously provided several dozen doughnuts, and they were in the central library staff break room. As the closest branch was over a mile away, and many branches were as far as 30 miles away, I felt this was rude to the people that read about the free doughnuts of which they were unable to partake.

Later, another person at the central library sent an email out reminding everyone there were still doughnuts and INCLUDED PICTURES. I found this to be incredibly inconsiderate of anyone not able to drop everything and travel to the central library to enjoy the food. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are wrong in escalating the seriousness of the violation to “incredibly” and capital letters.

Miss Manners recognizes, without understanding, how seriously employees take offers of free food. But she doubts that either the originating administrator or the replying photographer intended for anyone to drive half an hour for a free doughnut. They addressed their emails to recipients invisible to them, forgetting that some would not be within walking distance. This was thoughtless, but is best ignored: Even a lighthearted correction -- ”Looks delish, but some of us work across town” -- is likely to be seen as petty.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an American married to an Englishman who is a college professor, and who has lived in this country for about 35 years. I will be moving with him to England when we retire.

My husband, who is from a lower middle-class background like myself, has been knighted! He still answers his office phone as “Pete Smith.” He never corrects people in the way they address him. The name on his business cards is “Peter Smith, Ph.D.,” plus a string of other letters including his knighthood, but of course most Americans can’t make heads or tails of that.

I admire his modesty, yet, perversely, I want to be “Lady Smith.” Will Miss Manners allow me to get away with this? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, honors do not come with instructions for use, but your husband has the right instinct. In class-stratified societies, such as England, it is considered, well, low-class to refer to oneself using one’s title. And in an officially classless society, such as the United States, citizens do not use titles.

That said, Miss Manners would like to indulge your amusing yearning. Perhaps your own field of expertise is 19th-century British literature, and you grew fond of its designations.

Her advice is to make a little joke of it: “Well, actually, that’s Lady Smith, but you can call me Pamela.” Or, “Technically, I’m a lady, so I try to behave myself.” Or, “Sir Peter, I’m afraid it’s time for us to go home.”

Someone is bound to ask you what you mean. Then you, too, can be modest, and say, “Well, of course it’s not something we make a point of, but we do tease Pete about becoming a knight.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The former office manager in the medical office that I work in has terminal pancreatic cancer. She is not doing well at all, sadly, and we are told she could pass any day now.

My co-worker is very close with her, and our former boss knows how much my co-worker loves to give out cards and how very important the birthdays of her loved ones are. Our former office manager’s birthday is coming up, and those of us in the office would love to let her know that we are thinking of her by giving her a birthday card.

However, we are uncertain as to what the correct protocol would be in a situation like this. Is it considered rude or disrespectful to show celebration of the birth of someone we care about when her life is so close to being cut short?

GENTLE READER: Cards are written by strangers. And while people may enjoy finding one that is particularly appropriate to the targeted recipient, or just sending a conventional statement with an illustration, these are form messages.

What you want to say to your co-worker is not a mere “Happy birthday,” which could indeed seem callous, but “We’re all thinking of you on your birthday, and we miss you.”

So Miss Manners recommends finding a pretty blank card and writing that out.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I decided to hyphenate our names when we were married. However, people still address me, both in person and in writing, as “Emily Jones” or “Mrs. John Jones,” even though my preferred title is “Ms. Smith-Jones.”

When this happens, I usually smile and say “Actually, it’s Smith-Jones.” Most people apologize and immediately begin using the correct name from that point forward, but some continue to refer to both me and my husband as “The Jones Family” or “Mr. and Mrs. Jones.”

What can I say or do to get people to call me by my name?

GENTLE READER: Not much. Miss Manners advises that you accept that these people are either forgetful, or are slaves to the patriarchy and trying to keep you down. (She suspects that you have concluded the latter, and cautions you against invoking any subtext or smugness in that initial, smiling correction.)

In any case, pressing the matter beyond your smiling correction is likely to result in an unpleasant and ultimately futile conversation.

There are so many possible name combinations in modern-day use that it is difficult to keep track. And while that does not mean that we should not all still make the effort, slip-ups should be forgiven, probably ignored and definitely excused without taking offense. So introduce yourself and sign your preferred name, but resist correcting anyone more than once.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend from high school who has become a professional artist in NYC. I haven’t spoken to him in years and we were never particularly close, but I’ve been following his career through our Facebook friendship and I genuinely love some of his work.

I like it so much, in fact, that I am considering purchasing a piece. However, I have no idea what it’s worth and I don’t know the right way to broach the subject.

I’ve never bought art before, and don’t know what to offer or how to ask. I don’t know what any of it has sold for. I’m afraid if I offer too little he’ll be offended, but I’m also afraid he’ll tell me it’s worth more than I can afford, which would also be embarrassing. How should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Ask him. This is a business transaction and not a social one -- an important distinction that Miss Manners finds more frequently violated in the reverse (with hapless co-workers forced to socialize in the name of “good business”).

If your friend is truly a professional artist, then he is used to these proceedings. Or would dearly like to be. Tell him that you have fallen in love with one of his pieces and want to purchase it. Then ask him how much it is.

If it is out of your price range, tell him so. There is no shame in this. But if it also inadvertently turns into a bargaining tactic, so be it. Attention to the social situation merely dictates that you just not enter the negotiation with that intent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)